Anxiety with being homeowner and responsibility

[Gazno7]

Hi everyone, I hope I can be on here as I'm Dad who is now separated after 24 years, 2 beautiful children but I'm struggling with Anxiety.

Especially with running a house myself. I have read a few similar threads but wasn't sure if they were too old to comment on.

I bought my home 6 years ago, 1910 house, terraced and a townhouse size. My children love it. Me and now ex partner bought to decorate but unfortunately she left 2 years ago. Since then I've had so many problems... the 2 ongoing are dry rot in a party wall.... spans long of hall and kitchen... had joists out , sprayed, damp course but it's still coming back. They are coming back again this week but it's cost me thousands so hopefully they find the source.

My skylights are being transferred over to new ones and the roofer can't seem to seal up the frame awaiting glass.... its a felt roof so shouldn't be hard.... its literally pouring in when it rains.... this is ongoing with him..

My question is, does anyone else get anxiety of things going wrong in a house on this level?? It's made me quite poorly and I have a counsellor who is helping me address my anxiety. Sometimes it's just unbearable when the thoughts just catastrophise.

I have a full time job, my son lives with me and I have my daughter at mine 4 nights a week. I'm a good dad, I'd say great dad but the anxiety about my home is making me depressed and poorly.

Sorry for long thread.... I just wondered is there anyone out there in a similar position? Any help?

Thank you

People feel anxious about a huge range of issues but there's often a common theme of feeling/being out of control and I'd guess that's what's happening with you. Not knowing what the problem is, and therefore how to fix it/how long it will take/how much it will cost must be massively stressful but you WILL get past this. Google box breathing for when you feel yourself about to spiral.

On a practical front do you have a surveyor or architect you can consult about the project - someone who can deal with the issues and tradesmen on your behalf?

I think some feelings of anxiety are quite normal when there are problems with our housing. Having a safe roof over our head is one of our most basic human needs.

The good news is that after many years of homeownership and refurbishments, I can say with some confidence that none of your problems are insurmountable and none pose an immediate threat to you or your home. You and your children have a safe home and you are doing great.

As Eyes says, having a problem and not having the skills to diagnose and fix it is very stressful. It feels very out of control especially regarding cost and further damage that it can cause.

I've had big house problems and was ill every time. I realised that diagnosis is half the cure with houses. Plus, the problems you have are not unique, others have had them before but it's just new to you. So lean on the experts - although trying to find a reliable and good is half the battle.

Yes, anxiety over house maintenance is a thing and is common. Be proud of the home you have, maintenance and repair is part and parcel of ownership. It's a process to sort out but you will work through it - it can be trial and error. Two problems don't make it a bad home - I'm sure there's lots of positives. Well done for plodding on, you will get through it and become a mini expert on the subjects in the future to help others.

Hang in there OP

Thank you so much for replying eyesopenwideawake. You have certainly given me some hope. No I don't have a surveyor.... how and where does that work?
Sorry for being simple

Thank you very much for the support. I was very nervous posting as its my first time. It is very reassuring that people are like minded. I'm having therapy for my anxiety ( person centric) and it's going well.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am trying my best to keep my chin up but sometimes this is difficult. Anxiety is an awful thing and it's only recently got to this level. I'm having private therapy and working with my doctors so I am absolutely serious about getting rid of anxiety

Ladylola thank you for replying. Just hearing that other people have been in the same boat does make me feel a little less isolated.

It's just the unknown aspects....further damage... the cure... the cost and spiralling are all feelings and thoughts that can completely consume me. Is that anything you felt?

Yes Gaz, I've felt the same many times about my house. Then I think to myself imagine how stressful it is inheriting a mansion or a castle and the pressure of maintaining it like the generations before me and keeping it in the family.

When I see large beautiful houses I think "wow" and then "but would I want the responsibility?"

But realistically I come across people day to day who quite frankly I'm amazed can even tie their own shoe laces on their own. If the likes of them can maintain a house then I sure can. However, I need to keep the anxiety in check. It is just a feeling though. Acknowledge it, get a plan together to sort the problem and execute. That way you're in control as much as possible to reduce the anxiety.

Ladylola , you are fantastic... you would make a great counsellor! Thank you. This is the first time I've tried to seek support and advice on a forum ( stumbled on mumsnet whilst goggling my own questions). I am doing everything you are saying.... acknowledge, plan , execute. Its just hard when the anxious " dread" grasps you.
I can't thank you enough that my own feelings are understood and are actually, dare I say, normal .

Hi OP. I 'only' have an apartment but I feel the same. It really unsettles me if something needs doing all of a sudden and I can't do it myself or can't figure it out and then have to rely on trades people. It also never ends. There is always something.

Hopefully therapy will help ease this anxiety a bit soon, I'm actually trying the same. It's getting less (used to be v extreme) but it still feels way too much. I agree some anxiety is normal, but the cause for mine is in childhood, if that's something you feel you want to explore.

Hi and thank you for posting back.
I am sure we will get deep into it with therapy. I had therapy and I was doing so well , I had the dry rot issue at a more comfortable state in my mind , still not completely ok with it.
The skylight roof leaks due to cowboys sent me over the edge and this time it was worse, I mean I was heaving and had pins and needles in my arms ( was told this is part of fight or flight in anxiety.

If I may ask, is that the kind of reaction you have had?
Living on my own with the kids makes the pressure seem...well . .more

@Gazno7 I tend to get PTSD like symptoms. It sounds wild now, but is totally real in some of these situations. It is the suddenness and not immediately knowing what to do that triggers those. As well as being at the mercy of trades men.

I am exactly the same. It's such an awful affliction. Think this is worse with age? I'm 44 and I was always a worrier but not to these levels when I " don't know what to do" things happen.

I completely relate to this! I have a house that I bought by myself and seems to need constant repairs (or at least did in the first year or two, thankfully fewer issues now). It's incredibly stressful, especially the uncertainty over what might break next and how much it will cost. I think its quite common to have anxiety over it, albeit moreso if you are already an anxious person.

My ceiling actually fell in and I still get PTSD- like symptoms about it like others have mentioned.

I try to manage the anxiety by writing out a worry tree if you are familiar? I'm sorry you are finding it so hard but relieved to know I'm not the only one who gets this!

@Gazno7 best of luck.

It's comforting to know that others might understand how it feels.

Yes I take that comfort aswell. I don't know why I'm like this but I don't want it. I know it's only leaks and dry rot BUT it still causes such a feeling of dread, being out of control, and not being able to trust so called " specialists"

Thank you for the reply! This website really is amazing...

I'm exactly the same as you.... its the constant worry of things going wrong and not knowing how to get it fixed , then being at the mercy of tradesmen. I had a cowboy roofer and the damage this has caused me mentally is unforgivable.

I've never lived alone up until 2 years ago after a failed 24 year relationship. My ex partner simply met someone else and I still get upset about this... its just awful and the anxiety on top can be debilitating.

My workplace has been brilliant with me. I have my children more than the ex so working full time and being a single parent is hard. I worry ( as per usual) that my children see me down and it's not fair on them.

New roofer today, hopefully fixed the issue until new glass comes in the skylights.... I very nervous of the rain tonight!! Then attention turns back to dry rot problem

I will look up the worry tree you mentioned.... I will take any help out there to beat this anxiety issue

Ahh you're so welcome, I'm so pleased I've helped you. I am thinking of a second career. A counsellor could be an option.Thank you for the suggestion.

Tarpaulin is your friend with an iffy roof and if there's possible rain on the way. Had that problem a few months ago until fixed!

I try to laugh at it now. But I find one problem fixed leads to another issue. For example I recently got new render on front of the house. When done the tv wouldn't work - ariel had been drilled through. Ariel man comes out to replace, he drills through wall and cracks new render right in middle of front of house. You try getting a workman out to repair after they've been paid and have onto their next job.

Another example, new skylight in kitchen, new ceiling and lights. Then lights don't work, someone's drilled through wiring. New ceiling and plaster had to come down to fix and all be redone again.

Final job on my renovation - stair carpet. Carpet fitter drilled through house burglar alarm wire under top step. So floor boards up and alarm engineer out.

Every job I get done I roll my eyes and think "whats the cost of this job going to be?". And I dont mean financial, I mean hassle from the consequences.

I just put it all down to it being part and parcel of being a home owner. At least I don't own a castle or a listed building! But feel the fear and do it anyway...

Keep us posted on your progress!

Hi ladylolarun!!!!

Omg.... Itcis so refreshing to hear it's not just me!!!!! Update...... it rained tonight in Blackpool.... NO LEAKS!!!!!! THEY LOOK TO HAVE DONE IT!!! I'm fuming I trusted the other cowboys! Just glass to add and I can put a pin in the roof thing!!!

Monday is the day of the dry rot..... this is such a nightmare! Mould in a party wall.... neighbours are lovely though. I will keep you updated.

Thank you so much for replying.... and everyone else who has given kind words. Life is so tough but you have all made me feel a little more .. stable

I also get very anxious about my house. About if there are hidden dangers, what to do if something breaks, if there are major issues that I've missed.

I agree with the statement above a common theme of feeling/being out of control. I feel very out of my comfort zone dealing with house problems. I sometimes can hardly bear to even think about them. When we bought our current house I didn't get as many checks as somebody else might as I was so stressed I just couldn't engage with it (we got a survey but not any of the follow up "you may want to get this checked....").

Other areas of life I can be more calm and competent than your average person, for some reason not houses.

We had some substantial work done and I felt VERY unnerved seeing the "insides" of my house. To me it intrinsically doesn't make sense that it all stays up. I felt very vulnerable seeing the insides.

DH has encouraged me to listen to the experts eg builder, plumber. He pointed out how frustrating it is when anxious people refuse to believe me at work (when I'm the 'expert'). I've now found a number of good tradespeople I trust and I always use them.

We also live in a house cheaper than our max budget, partly because we like it, and partly because I like the security of having spare money for repairs.

I do really wish I could stop worrying. I once read a post on Mumsnet "there's nothing that can't be solved with money and steel" about buildings. I like that thought. I try to not catastrophise and remember that every house problem has happened before and has a solution. My fundamental worry is that my house is beyond help, but that just isn't a realistic worry.

Growing up my parents did genuinely have a stressful house situation. Every leak was something they couldn't afford to fix, and it would get worse and worse. Maybe that's where my house anxiety comes from.

" my house is beyond help"..... that is a thought I wrestle with every day.... this dry rot issue I have.... I've had it treated and joists replaced yet still it returns.... I like the idea that everything can be fixed.

Thank you for replying. I have had posts from a few people now to know I'm not alone. I still just wish , and feel, that if my hoʻuse is in order then I can dare to enjoy myself. I hate not being " carefree"