Got the life I’ve wanted but feel empty

[JustDontKnowWhat2Do]

Please don’t flame me for first world problems as I know what this sounds like. Probably going to be a longish rambling post so sorry about that too. Only read if you understand how irrational brains can be.

Have suffered from depression since age 12, only diagnosed at around 25 years old. Then developed anxiety too. Also have ADHD which was only diagnosed recently. I take medication for anxiety and my depression has subsided a lot after therapy and getting my life on track (for context I used to have suicidal thoughts almost daily and it’s now a couple of times a year when I’m extremely tired/stressed and passes quickly).

About 7 years ago I went back to college and retrained in a new career which I love, and despite my training being interrupted horribly by Covid, lockdowns etc, I have finally established myself in this job, my DH has a good FT WFH job, and I only need to work 3 days a week. No kids. My parents are extremely fit and active 70ish year olds who live around the corner and I’m close with them but they have v busy lives.

One issue with my job is that despite the fact that I love it, I still haven’t fully got over PTSD from a previous, totally unrelated but stressful job that made me ill. So, despite enjoying my work and it not being stressful any more, my brain/body won’t accept this so I throw up and get IBS symptoms on work mornings. I have tried lots of things to try and help this including hypnotherapy but I can’t quite get it to go.

The above means that I still “dread” work days on some level and “treasure” my days off and evenings as the holy grail of good times. But I’m finding myself a bit lost on my days off when DH works . I’m not sure what to do with all this time. So I end up glued to the sofa, surfing Mumsnet and binge watching old sitcoms, almost wishing the time away until 5 when DH finishes work and we can spend time together, eat our tea, settle in and watch a film/TV/play games/chat etc.

I need to force myself to be motivated on my days off. There are a million things I could do. I do no exercise. I have no real hobbies. I find meal planning and cooking a chore. I struggle to exist by myself.

God this is so muddled and I don’t know what I’m even asking. I just feel lost and like I’m wasting my entire life, just wasting it. But I don’t know what I want to do. So I do nothing. It’s hard to get across how scared and upset it makes me feel.

I feel like all my life I’ve struggled through money worries and job stresses and relationship woes and loneliness and trying to get a good career and a house etc and now I have all of this it doesn’t feel like it should ie happiness. I don’t feel happy even though on paper I should be the happiest fucking woman on the planet. And that makes me hate myself.

I just wonder if I’m incapable of being happy.

Hi OP. This sounds hard. I hope you're okay and I'm so glad you've come here to mumsnet because in my experience it's such a supportive community and you'll get some great tips and advice to help you feel better. My best advice is whatever people post try it! Your last paragraph resonates with me because I feel that way too sometimes. I think it's just when you've struggled for so long that it can take time to learn to enjoy again. A while ago when I felt as you do I joined a gym programme of organised fitness classes, a 9 week programme that I've since completed and signed up for again. I'm not a gym type at all but this is different and really has made a positive impact on how I feel. I suggest maybe trying to get into exercising. My other big joy is our dog. Do you have a pet? It you like dogs and have the money/ time/ energy this could be something you consider. Take care of yourself, I'm rooting for you.

I so empathize. There should be tougher laws and penalties for horrible bosses who give people PSTD when they are just trying to earn a living and organisations who enable them and fail to protect employees. I was in a similar position, then changed careers. I moved away from what I did not like in my old profession to something that seemed less stressful. It seems you may have done this too. This in itself is a massive win - please give yourself credit for that.

Also please don’t hate yourself just because you are still in the journey to finding happiness. Don’t beat yourself up because you have not arrived yet. I don’t know if it helps but in addition to traditional success markers (house, career etc), most joy comes from quality relationships, a purpose and a sense of belonging. Maybe look into all 3 to see where you are and where you want to be.

I really appreciate you taking the time to read and reply!

Thanks for the empathy and made me feel like less of a monster. I will make a list of ideas and put some plans into action.

Fitness is definitely top of the list - I’ve always hated exercise etc and when younger was naturally slim so basically didn’t “have to”. But I’m 40ish now and need to use it or lose it! Will have a look as there are a couple of council-run gyms near me that do classes.

Interesting about the “sense of belonging”. I’ve moved around a bit and basically not had a friendship group in about 15 years. DH is my best friend, love my family etc but I do think I’m missing out on being in a group of likeminded people. I love people and although I shy away from social occasions, I always enjoy them when I make myself go.

Lots to think about and it means the world that anyone took the time and thought to respond to me.

A few questions (if you don't mind, feel free to ignore them!)

1. What happened at/before you were 12 to cause you to feel depressed?
2. Same with the anxiety - what was the cause?
3. Were you diagnosed with PTSD from the previous job and what treatment was prescribed?

Figuring out why a person thinks, feels and behaves the way is often due to seemingly unrelated issues (often from childhood) that come together to create a perfect storm just when - in theory - life should be carefree.

Return to therapy, OP. Consider somatic therapy to pay attention to why your body seems to be holding onto stress symptoms, but returning to a more general therapy first might be beneficial. ‘I struggle to exist by myself’ if a pretty serious thing to recognise.

I have adhd and ptsd. The key things are exercise and diet - especially gut health. Also positive social interaction. A lot of my life has been motivated by control of fear so when it's controlled I am a bit lost. Healthy challenge through exercise is great. Start small with things you enjoy.

Happiness is 40% thoughts actions and behaviours so you have a lot to play with.

I used to really struggle with being alone and having unstructured time - I would waste it too and then feel depressed and unfulfilled. I am a big list maker which helps - could you make a list of things to do for your days off? I include things like 'shower', 'breakfast and tidy up' to get some easy wins . Then think about what else you want to add - I advise organising things out of the house. You could add timed tasks to your To Do list - such as spend 15 mins looking on BBC Good Food for a new recipe; spend 10 mins on local facebook group to see if there's anything interesting; spend 10 mins making list of different exercise to try (then try one per week). Good luck OP