In such a bad place, what do I do

[BrightJadeShaker]

Ok where to start. I’m in a very bad place right now, I’m actually scared of how low I’ve gotten.
I work long full time shifts and my ex no longer wants to work around it. I used to really enjoy my job but with all of this I’m am so stressed and low in confidence I am thinking of leaving now to spend time healing. I have to pass some exams to keep my job and work have given me an ultimatum essentially as I’ve fallen so far behind. This means I need to spend every spare waking moment studying when I’ve just moved house and my To Do list is ridiculous. I feel like a bad mum as I’m so depressed and disorganised.
Ex is controlling and domineering it’s honestly easier to just do what he wants. This upsets my friends as I get feel I should be stronger.
I have money from my house sale which I will end up having to live off. I had it from a previous property I worked hard to get before I met ex. He is very angry he didn’t get more of the money, he had racked up debts and likes to live beyond his means.
Things between us are difficult, he likes to make things all about him and sends me argumentative emails, and the children suffer as it spoils my time with them. He doesn’t want mediation unless I pay which I could but not sure if it will do anything?
He cheated, lied, always kept secrets. Not a bad dad but an irresponsible one in terms of making bad selfish decisions that negatively affect the family.
I have just been given anti depressants by the doctor. I am close to suicidal now to be honest. I have little / no support and the people i do have are naturally getting fed up of all this now.
We haven’t finalised the financial order, he’s pushing to do it. He earns £55k working 4 days pw, I earn about £22k after taking time out to raise chiidren while he worked and studied 2 masters degrees (now doing a PhD). He has a pension of about £9k. He used to cover the mortgage but just dropped me and now gives me nothing as he has the children half the time. The house was almost repossessed.
Honestly I don’t know what I’m asking except please give me some advice of where to go with all this.

First you put your ex in a metaphorical box and look after yourself. Your ex is pushing things to suit his agenda - if you have legal advice then ask them to sort the finance order things for you. You probably need to go through CMS so that you have a regular income for the children. Then you need to concentrate on your job and what is needed to complete your exams. It might be stressful now but it will get easier and it will help you maintain your independence if you have a job.
Contact the mortgage company and let them know that you and your ex have split and you are working out the financials and what can they do to help you?
Regarding the chaos at home - think about what will make your life easier. How much of your 'to do' list is really important? If everything is still in boxes - move them all to one area and deal with them one at a time. It always takes time to settle into a new home as things may not be right in a particular cupboard or place until you have lived in it. Your 'to do' list is just that - a 'to do' list - what does it matter if things are done today or next week or next month? You will do it in your own time. You don't say what ages your DCs are - can they do things to help?
Your ex is making your life harder just because he can - you say it is easier to do what he wants. Actually you can ignore what he wants - he sends emails - don't open them! Or if you do just file them away where you can't see them or alternatively automatically direct all his emails to a file so that you don't even see them until you are ready to deal with them. His behaviour and emails towards you are abusive -so keep the evidence as this could come back to bite him hard!!
Forget the mediation -he's already being difficult and that won't likely improve so save your money and you can't afford it anyway. In other words don't try and fix what is already broken.
Sometimes it is easier to be reactive when you have had time to process things - this is where your ex is trying to keep you on the hop and adding to your stress levels. Try not to let him do this - he is your ex for good reason!! So don't pander to him.
One analogy a friend gave to me once was - How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time!! Try and apply that to you and what is going on around you. Celebrate the things you achieve and shrug your shoulders at what you didn't achieve - there is always tomorrow for the other stuff or another bite of the elephant!!
You can do this - you are on meds - give them time to work and contact Talking Therapies for help on line. Fill in the form and someone will call you. It feels bleak now but it won't always be that way.

Can you get signed off sick? That might give you some breathing space and time for the medication to work. Anxiety UK do affordable therapy which you might find useful. You can also phone the Samaritans it you need to talk and if you are very low contact NHS Direct option 2 for mental health.

Can you apply for CMS? At least then you'd be getting a regular payment.

You need to speak to work about doing these exams if you don't have time. Arrange a meeting with your line manager and explain that you need to organise time to do them, and work out a solution. Speak to your union or ACAS before the meeting for advice.

Regarding your ex. Is there a court order in place regarding contact? Download a co parenting app, it keeps records of everything. You can speak to Gingerbread for further advice or Rights of Women for free legal advice.