My life feels like it is falling apart!

[Bear91]

I don't even think I know how to construct this post to fit everything in about what's going on and how I'm feeling. All I know is I am feeling very trapped and very low! I am sad, angry, lonely, numb, detached and a complete mess. My house looks like the inside of my head. Very very messy! I am struggling to be organised and get on top of anything.
I have 4 daughters a partner and animals, life is busy but I really am struggling.
I have autoimmune diseases and still have health investigations pending, I'm always tired, sick looking and feel unhealthy. I have gained weight and struggle to loose it because I am incredibly up and down in motivation. I have tried but not hard enough. Sometimes I wonder if my auto immune diseases are even causing my symptoms anymore or am I just incredibly burnt out and in flight 24/7.
I have always struggled with my moods but now I'm 33 I don't know something feels different, it feels more hopeless and I am not really a hopeless person. I always try and find the positive in the negative but I just struggle to get myself back on track.
If things are off or out of place like in the house for example "can't locate clothing " or everything is unorganised I will become overwhelmed to the point I just give up on the day. Sometimes my kids have missed school because I just can't get it together. Pathetic I know!
I feel like there is this part of me that is cringing at the version of me now and is so desperately trying to take over and kick this bad side out the door!
My kids are hard-work, I know all kids are but my kids are sometimes terrible. They scream all of the time when they cant get their way. We have had neighbours call the police out. I sit there and want to loose it because I can see my kids screaming sounding like they are being abused yet they me and my partner are standing their not even touching them. It is really hard on my brain, especially at the moment.
My eldest is in and out of school, sometimes when she wants to go but when she doesn't you cant get her in and I am too exhausted mentally to argue with her.
I am really trying not to sound pathetic and weak. I think I have given up mentally with myself, my children, my partner and my life.
My partner is gentle and I can't believe I am saying this but he has never been rude to me or said a cross word EVER even when I have lost my head and buckled to the pressure BUT and here is the but he has this alcohol thing, drinks probably 4-8 cans a night and at least 2 ciders. Is never rude or aggressive but he is just what can I say different to when he hasn't had that much. His behaviour becomes dopey and he drives which makes my blood boil. He has normalised it so much that he seems to have no morals. He thinks because he feels fine he is there for fine to drive. It is incredibly frustrating.
I have been speaking to him about my feelings to do with the alcohol for years and I have approached it in all ways. I have been angry, critical, supportive, compromising, non judgemental and judgmental. It doesn't matter what I say or do or if I cry or don't, if I lose it or don't loose it, nothing I say ever changes anything.
I have told him that although he isn't 100% the cause of my sadness and loss of self he is contributing to it. I feel disrespected and frustrated, worthless like I don't deserve to be heard. It is draining me.
He is working in building and I find when he is around others who are like that he seems worse. I feel he almost gets this peter pan affect and goes into this boy because he seems more drunk when he gets home. I can literally smell it on him.
When I have had a day of it the last thing I want is a partner coming home 2 cans and 2 ciders down already before he has even crossed into the house to then continue to drink throughout the evening.
I feel like I can't emotionally connect fully.
I feel trapped because I don't want this relationship this way but he doesn't really give me an option to walk away. If I speak realistically he just doesn't get it.
Anyway he isn't fully to blame for the way I feel. I am completely detached from life and who I am. People tell you to go to the doctors but they just want to medicate you and half the time they are looking at the time. People say meet people, easier said than done and to be honest most people are just not my people.
Not tyring to make excuses and put barriers in the way of every bit of self help advice but I don't think most people really understand how I feel.

I picture myself a lot and it isn't where I am now, I am somewhere else and I am happy and free, my life is less complicated and happy. It is peaceful and I don't feel like I have been stuffed with sludge. I feel ugly and I don't mean "looks" I mean my mind. It is ugly and angry and I hate it because that is not me. I can't seem to shake that feeling or move that dark cloud above me.

I often say "I don't want to be here anymore" but I fear death and I actually love life so I know I would never do that but I can't really imagine going on like this.

I don't really know why I am writing this post. Maybe because I don't really feel I can talk to anyone. Or maybe I am telling the wrong people. The people who don't seem to really grasp the level of severity and how low I have sunk.

Maybe one day I will be free XxX

You sound very lost and at the end of your tether.
First things first, you report your partner EVERY time he gets behind the wheel drunk. It’s a no brainer. He could kill somebody and you would be complicit for not reporting him.
Secondly it sounds like he doesn’t bring much to the home. Is it rented? Owned? In whose name?
Thirdly, meds. There is no shame in getting medication from the GP. You might just find it helps. It can make you feel worse at first but if you stick with it, it just might regulate your mood and enable you to manage more.
Fourthly, implement a routine. It will help the kids as they will know what is expected of them. Have set times for meals, bedtime, tidy up time, play time.
Finally, give yourself a break! It’s tough being a parent! Set a timer for 15 mins a day and just tidy one area. Reward yourself at the end. If you feel able, repeat. If not, that’s fine. You’ll get there!

Have you considered whether you could have adhd? A lot of what you've described sounds like me, and I do.

Please could you explain what you mean, because I see a lot of myself in that.

Ok, the autoimmune disease suggests you went through some childhood trauma. At some point you will need to address this with emdr or counseling etc. In the meantime you need adhd medication. They are not a long term fix and they will take a toll on your health if you use them more than a couple of years (because they get you active with energy that your body doesn’t have), but they will 100% lift your mood and get you through this time.
You also need to switch off the fight or flight response, which can be tricky, but try 5mins of meditation if you can. Meditation is tricky for people still in a traumatised state but im
trying to think of things that you can start now and are free

The self-chat in your post was very harsh. Please try to stop that. You are not pathetic.

Those who are jumping to diagnoses have no way of knowing what your underlying causes are. It could be many things causing this.

You have an alcoholic partner too, which brings lots of difficulties.

I think you need outside support. Speak to the doctor. It is urgent you get help because your children need to reliably make it to school.

I felt from your thread you were trying to fight on too many fronts. The priority is getting the kids into a good routine so they can go to school. You can't tackle everything at once.

But please access outside help.

All the above advice is spot on so approaching it from the other potentially controllable bit: Do you have a way of talking to your husband (when he’s not drunk) and the kids without ending up ‘nagging’ (if you know what I mean? Can you get them involved in getting the house more under control. If you can’t then it’s just going to descend into shouting and chaos but if you can at all bribe/ask for help eg can they dust/ sweep/ pick up clothes. Can you pick a room that stresses you out the most and work on it but by bit? Huge hugs op you have so much on your plate. By the way there’s free counselling services to ring and get everything off your plate but also if you have friends or relatives thst you can have a laugh with it’s a breath of fresh air.

al-anonuk.org.uk/

family-action.org.uk/]]" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://family-action.org.uk/]]]]

Op I just wrote out a big long post and lost it. I really feel for you. You have a lot going on with 4 dc, your ill health and a dp who is a functioning alcoholic.

I agree also with pp who says you need to be assessed for adhd too.

Op I think you know that you have to take action now and ask for help. Try ringing the charities above. Get a gp appointment. Ask
social services for advice. Get an appointment with your girls’ head teacher.

Your dc are probably behaving this way because they are reacting to your “fog” and your dp’s dysfunction. They need you both.

Reach out to family, friends, neighbours, church in rl. Tell everyone that you are struggling with your mh and your dp is an alcoholic. You can’t really protect him any more.

OP his relationship with alcohol is not getting better. Apart from endangering people’s lives he presumably needs to drive for work. Pretty soon he will be arrested or will lose his licence and his job. I feel for him bc most addicts drink to blot out something in their past or in their minds but you can’t save him, or carry him. You have yourself and the dc to think about.

I don’t understood when you say that he doesn’t give you the “option” to leave. If he is not violent, what do you mean? Is he controlling you financially?

There is always a choice op, you don’t need his permission.

Being on your own with four dc will be incredibly hard but think
about having more autonomy and control over your own routines and space?

You have youth on your side. You love life when the circumstances are different. You are capable of more than you think.

With regard to the house, have a look at TOMM. They do great clean along podcasts!

For clarity, put headings on a paper marked : my mh, dc and school, housework, dp and alcohol, and under each heading write three or four small concrete specific steps that you can take each day.

Good luck op! Please reach out and ask for help! Don’t feel badly. Anyone would be overwhelmed in your situation. Equally, you can’t sit in a fog anymore because your girls need you 🌷🌷