Hi everyone
So I’m a male, and after some recent trauma it’s opened I guess Pandora’s box, I was recently diagnosed with ptsd due to a traumatic event that nearly resulted in me losing one of my sons.
its been difficult because im what most would call a man’s man, im a powerlifter some say i can seem intimidating because of my size general face (lol) but im extremely friendly and suffer with anxiety, i was raised pretty tough and got beat a lot as a child, locked away in my room for days, my dad left when i was young and my mum was very unstable, i could write pages on it all but i want to get to the point, so since being diagnosed and having a mental breakdown, i found myself crying a lot, then out of nowhere this memory pops up, when I was 9 my older sisters friend who was 15-16 would play with my privates and would get me to do it to her, i didn’t understand other than it felt nice i guess, i cant get my head round it, ive only told my sister and she says that i was abused, but i cant seem to grasp that is the truth.
i guess i just wanted to vent without people knowing who i am, im not sure if anyone will read this but it feels good to write down.
being a dad has given me so much purpose and happiness, i work hard and all I want in return is my children to be safe secure and have all the love and support I missed out on,I want to protect them from anything I went through, I would die for my children, sometimes i feel like im worthless, but my job is to raise my children in a home that feels like home, that’s all i ever wanted as a child you know.
once they’re grown up, I just feel like I don’t need to be here anymore you know.
anyway if you read this thank you and take care.