Hi all
I hope this makes sense. I'm writing this out as I don't have anyone I feel I can reach out to in person on this.
I'm a first time mum with a 1.5yr old working full time. I live 2hr from where I grew up with no real friends here aside from a few work colleagues that I don't really tend to meet outside of work or that I could rely on in any major way. My friends either live in my home town or abroad and although we are in close contact online and on phone, it is not the same as in person. I feel very lonely at times.
It's fair to say I found the transition to mum life difficult and while I absolutely love my DC with all my heart, I don't understand who I am anymore and I feel so lost with where I'm going in life. I have a supportive DH who knows I'm feeling this way but I try not to put all this on him as I know he worries.
I feel very stunted by mum life, I used to travel a lot for work, now I can't because logistically it's impossible. I used to be a real career person and I feel I still am however I feel stuck in my career and I can't move because I'm in a niche industry with no opportunities in my area yet I can't move because of my family situation.
I am late 30s. I had a MC this year and my body has felt the toll of this with general ill health and being run down since. I desperately want to be pregnant again and feel so confused over the loss, however I don't feel in a good mental state to go through it all again either (pregnancy successful or not) yet I don't have the time biologically to figure it out either.
I briefly went on antidepressants postpartum but felt I didn't need them anymore - I'm now starting to wonder if I need them again as I feel so overwhelmed by life right now. It just feels like there is nothing to look forward to, life is a constant slog and I'm not fun anymore, not carefree, I look awful and I don't do many things that set my heart on fire anymore. I did have counselling postpartum too, I found it ok.
Recently there have been two bereavements in my family circle. Not immediate family but close to feel the impact of this, however I wonder if my reaction to such things are disproportionate. I'm terrified of my parents, husband or kids getting sick. Ultimately the chances of this happening to my parents is high eventually never mind anyone else and I don't know how I'll deal with it. Does anyone have any tips on how I can try to rationalise these things so that if/when it does come I am better equipped to deal? I need to become more emotionally resilient. I am not at all. Interestingly enough, I am very effective in my job at work and have a completely different persona there - I think people at work would be shocked if they knew I felt this way. However it's outside I crumble.
I just want to be happy. I should be happy - I have a fantastic husband and baby. I just can't seem to shake myself out of this fog and I really want to. I don't want to numb myself with medication if possible.
My first experience of bad mental health was during Covid when I was impacted significantly financially by losing my job. To be honest I don't think I've been the same since that and ultra sensitive to life challenges that previously I would have been stronger about.
Sorry for the rant. I just feel very alone right now. I'm looking at my phone too much, my sleep is crap and I just want to be rested and enjoy life more.