Hi all,
I don't know what I am looking for posting here but I have nobody in real life I can say this to.
I keep fucking up financially, I know the consequences but can't seem to stop myself from making silly mistakes huge errors of judgement
I am married but I am the sole earner I manage all the household finances badly. We are not massively financially comfortable but could be so much better off if could control myself.
I hide things from my DH even down to my vaping and consequently suffer with massive anxiety, especially around the time the postman is due.
I know am doing this to myself, I am putting undue pressure on my marriage and as a family are missing out on things due to my poor management. For example we were planning to go away a few weekends ago but as I had underpaid my rent for weeks the letter arrived and we had to pay that meaning we couldn't go away.
I have done budgets and apps etc and separate bank account and seem to manage and get on track then boom I do something silly just as we are getting back to how it should be.
Why do I do this to myself and my family? I am not worthy of them, they don't deserve this, I am not good enough for them and it makes me feel alone and sad, I am not even angry with myself anymore I just feel numb. I am taking SNRIs already.