Am I being unreasonable?

[Deneszen]

I’m 50 and my sister is 62. I told my her about something to do with my health in confidence and specifically asked her not to tell my nephew's. She actually replied with “it’s your health and your news to tell not mine”.

I was gobsmacked to hear my nephew asking me questions about this health condition when we were all sat in a room together. I said nothing instantly because not only was I shocked but it’s not my nephew's fault and I didn't want him to feel bad in any way that he shouldn't have mentioned it.

I messaged her and told her she had broken my confidence and that I was very upset over it. She completely blanked the message and did not reply. Today (three days later) she then came to my area (half hour away) and met up with my nephew and his wife for a Birthday meal leaving my nephew and his wife wondering why my she had not mentioned it to me.

I also know from past experiences similar to this that she will cover my non-attendance by saying “I don't know I haven't heard from her, she's in a mood”.

I'm not in a mood, I've cried for three days and I feel broken, I'm so upset. I thought I had a best friend in my sister. Can anyone please advise, am I being unreasonable in expecting an apology for breaking my trust or should I just let it go. Thank you to anyone who replies and apologies if I've posted this incorrectly. Be gentle, it's my first post.

Unfortunately your sister has demonstrated that if you tell her something, she'll tell her children. I think you have to accept people as they really are.

Is the bigger issue that the health issue is very embarrassing, or is it that your sister broke the confidence?

am I being unreasonable in expecting an apology for breaking my trust or should I just let it go You're being unreasonable in expecting an apology. It doesn't sound like you'll get one, and there's nothing you can do to force it. But you don't have to let it go, by which I mean your feelings of disappointment are valid, irrespective of whether your sister accepts them.

All you can do is try to learn from this. You can take more control going forwards by being realistic about her approach to confidences. You said I also know from past experiences similar to this that she will cover my non-attendance by saying “I don't know I haven't heard from her, she's in a mood” which doesn't sound good. Maybe, however much you love her, it'd be helpful to be realistic about how she is.

If you have experience of her similar to this as you say then why did you tell her something to be kept in confidence and why is your adult nephew asking you about your health when you've not introduced this to the conversation . Why can't your sister have a birthday meal with her son without you , without it being a big deal? What do you want the outcome to be ?

I think sometimes we need to keep some things to ourselves only. I've learned that too

Apologies if I'm doing this wrong, I'm not sure how to tag or reply someone - I bet I find it now after posting this. My sister is entitled to have a Birthday meal without me. Our family dynamic since her husband was caught having his last affair changed. She disappeared from my life really when she married, I was 11. Every time he left her I would be the first person both nephews called to go to her. Christmases picking her and the boys up when he left days before then she would go back to him and disappear from my life again. This last time, divorce now finalised I spent nights and nights awake until 6am with a listening ear and helping with paperwork. I know a lot about my sister that I will take to my grave, maybe I was expecting too much to expect it in return. During this time we also lost Dad to cancer. Mum was then diagnosed with Alzheimer's / dementia six months later and I cared for her until we sadly lost her in 2023.

My issue is not that my illness is embarrassing, more that I wanted time to come to terms with it before more people knew. I made this clear to her. It's the fact she broke my trust that has upset me.

The ex-brother in law doesn't bother with either nephew, he says she is controlling and turned them against him. Both nephews only have my sister and myself as immediate family from their side now so therefore want the small circle of family they have to be at a celebration. In this instance he assumed his Mum had told me where to meet and was expecting me to be there.

My nephew and his wife live around the corner from me but she seems to get jealous if, for example, if they want to come for a walk with me and my dog one afternoon. So much so that I don't want to cause issues or have a sarcastic comment such as "well I wasn't invited" so we no longer meet up.

Have you always had a difficult relationship with your sister? I feel there is a big back story here. Was she an only child up until the point you arrived 12 years later?

Yes she was an only child. She was engaged when I was around 4. He cheated then she met ex hubby. She moved away when she marrried (I was 11) and moved back around half hour away when I was 16. While they lived away I visited them when I was around 14. He was a masseur and I was persuaded by both of them to go upstairs and have a massage because it would make me feel good. We didn't speak up back then. My parents always told me I should be seen and not heard - so I went along with it. His hands were all over me, I couldn't wait to get home and have never had a massage since. I know a massage is hands over you. I mean comments such as "you're growing into your womanly body now" and hands very high up the thigh with words like "you will have to get used to being touched now you're becoming a woman".

Her life was him! Noone came close. Now she gets out of talking to me about any differences by saying "I lived by his emotions for years, I'm not living by yours or anyone else's emotions". I then feel I am not valid in feeling upset.

One of my close relatives is like this. She's a good person, but god she's a loud mouth

Thank you so much everyone for your replies. x

I understand you feel betrayed at this difficult time. I think the key thing is how she actually said 'its for you to tell people, not me'.

If she hadn't have said that and expressed that she'd try not to say anything to anyone, but as she's upset and cares about you deeply she may need to share the news with her children just for support. That would at least be more honest.

I'd say she didn't do it in malice. It can be hard for people if someone is sick not to need to talk to someone else about it. But she obviously couldn't keep this particular secret, for whatever reason.

I hope you don't fall out over it if she really is just concerned for you and kind of blurted it out.