How do I manage being a mum, mum to be and DP with depression?

[CheekyMonkey1989]

The question is just that really, how do I manage being a mum to DD7, being 6 months pregnant and dealing with a very depressed DP.

My DP has recently been diagnosed with possible long term depression and is currently on anti-depressants. I feel really selfish saying this, but I’m really struggling to manage all of the above without crumbling. I really want my DP to be better before the baby arrives, it makes me so sad to think he may not be. I try to be as strong as possible in front of my DP and DD7 in the day and just let all the tears out when I’m in bed at night and I know everyone is asleep.

I’m scared if I open up about this to my midwife, she might start raising alarm bells about DP not being fit to farther another child. My DP is a very proud man and doesn’t want to tell any of our family and friends. I just feel so alone.

I think you should tell your midwife. She’s not going to think he isn’t fit to be a father, she will just want to support you. He’s showing he’s going the right things like going to the GP and taking anti depressants. I hope you’re ok, you do need support x

Is he fit to father another child, support the one he already has and you, in all honesty?
Support can be put in place for you, but only if people know about it.

Honestly, he is brilliant father! My DD is always telling me Daddy is her favourite.Of late, he has spent a lot of time in bed and when we have spent time as a family he doesn’t seem to be happy, but those are all the symptoms of depression. This baby is also very much wanted by both of us.

I just want to cry on my mum’s shoulder and get a big massive cuddle. I know whatever I tell her would never get back to DP, but I would feel like I’m betraying his trust in me.

Sorry but you need support. If your DP can’t provide it at the moment, you need to get it elsewhere, from your midwife and your family. He probably can’t appreciate right now how unfair it is to expect you to keep his depression a secret when you need the support of others. I think when he is feeling better, he will understand that. Treating depression like it is a shameful secret doesn’t help anyone, and at least he is taking steps to tackle it, which is a great thing. Best of luck to you. Hope you get the support you need.

For goodness sake OP, this is ridiculous.

Your partner needs to tell someone about his mental health struggles - at least one person who isn't you and isn't his GP. (Is he doing talking therapy as well as taking antidepressants btw? You can self refer for CBT on the NHS - long wait of course - and some employers offer counselling as part of their benefit package.)

And you MUST talk to your mum about it. Tell him you're going to do it, don't ask him. You need support or you will also fall into depression. You are vulnerable with all the extra hormones in pregnancy, as well as the physical exhaustion, plus you are presumably doing more of the parenting and chores while he is out of action.

It's a cliche but that saying about putting on your own oxygen mask first is so true. Do it. You need to look after yourself and your child first and foremost, prioritise that, and his job is to do his best to get better. You can of course encourage him, and show him that you love and care about him, but fixing him is NOT your responsibility.

I say this as someone with experience of depression, btw, but also as a mother, so I can see both sides. Talking to people is key - the two of you can't get through it if you can't talk to your mum or a friend or another person you trust about things.

@CheekyMonkey1989 Definitely tell your midwife how you are feeling. I was referred to perinatal team at the beginning of the year and they were brilliant. They definitely won’t think anything bad of your husband they will be pleased you reached out for support x

Omg. Get the support from your mum... She'll understand and if you say you need her to be discrete I'm sure she will...
If you break, what then!?
Don't try and shoulder this alone to protect his pride. Sure he may feel he'll lose face, but if you go into new baby crushed you'll have a tough time... He surely wouldn't want that, if you said it's your pride or my sanity.
And you've got to be able to carry the family if he can't... Don't try and do it alone