Really struggling to support DD

[Sworkmum]

My DD has not long turned 18, I'm finding it so tough trying my best to support her.
She has suspected ASD (awaiting assessment) and I believe most of the issues of her MH are related to this.

We were in a&e the other night after she overdosed after having a bad day and missing an appt for UC.

She has recently been told they think she also has an eating disorder, her BMI is dangerously low (13) and she is tiny. She's always been tiny but it's never been this bad.

There such little help out there, she's on meds and GP may be referring to ED clinic at next appt.

I'm her main support and trying to do this but also have a son with ASD and am trying to work full time in a demanding job, run a house, look after a dog etc.

I have told her she needs to be staying home more, her routine is sooo poor which is exacerbates everything else (barely sleeps, eats, does nothing most days). I have said we need to work together to sort her routine, make sure she eats, attends all GP appts, sorts out UC (get fit note and figure out how they can help in current situation). But she really pushes back on all of it. She just wants to go and stay at her bfs for nights on end (she was doing this previously - and we've ended up here). I've said no, cause I need to be able to monitor the situation. If she doesn't up her weight she'll end up hospitalised, or seriously ill or both. She's really not understanding the seriousness of the situation and I'm pulling my hair out. The whole situation is making me ill aswell and I just don't know where we go from here.

This sounds so difficult and stressful for you OP. Sorry things are so hard right now. Has she had any counselling yet? If not that would be my first port of call getting a referral for that or preferably if you can afford private I would as it's quicker.

Have you contacted Beat? They're an eating disorder charity with a helpline.

Rethink are a mental health charity who have a comprehensive helpline and might be able to give advice.

Young Minds is a helpline for young peoples mental health and they have a helpline for parents.

The Autism Society may be able to offer some support.

Not yet, I have just started seeing someone myself who would also see DD at some point but feels she isn't ready yet. Hospital said they used to have CBT to refer to but the last person left and they don't have it now!

I am happy to pay for a private counsellor but I want someone decent and it's hard to know who is!

Thankyou, I have checked our beat online, and done a self referral to a local place and think the GP will hopefully do one too.

The other places we have had some input on and off but there isn't a lot available in the local area and online/phone can only get us so far.

We both have good support in place, and I have a lot of knowledge of places and support through work, but it's so difficult when it's your own child and the support just doesn't seem to exist how i believe it should do :(

No problem, I know it's difficult. You could also try hub of hope to see what support is available locally
https://hubofhope.co.uk/

A BMI of 13…? Has inpatient been discussed?

I think a bit of research into private counsellors would be good, check out their credentials. There is no commitment so if DD doesn't mesh well with them or you feel the counsellor is no good you can just move on to another, it's trial and error and a pain in the arse but once you find the right person it could be worth its weight in gold - and you might strike lucky with the first private counsellor you choose!

Which eating disorder to they suspect?
Has your daughter had any trauma in her life? How long have these issues been going on?

Nope, they literally told her this at her last GP appt (I didn't go with her, as the appt was for results of some tests, not this) and then this was mentioned so I only know what she's told me.
They said go away for 2-3 weeks and try and gain as much weight as possible and she's booked back in for then.
I've obviously googled it and realised just how low that is. She's always been small/underweight so that is somewhat normal for her to an extent and I've always been surprised before when she's had appts that no one seems to have raised it as an issue. But this time she's actually lost more weight, hence them saying this.

Yea I think we are going to have to go down this route and hope we find someone quickly.

She's always been mentally sensitive as such (not the right terminology) but since Covid I would say this got a lot worse.

She's had trauma with an ex boyfriend and a rape in the past which we addressed both at the time but she wasn't really ready to receive the support she needed at that point. And she's still been having to deal with these things.

The suspected ASD also plays a part I think as she struggles with lots of aspects of life and can't really understand why properly.

I hope you find someone, usually with a private counsellor the first appointment is within a week or two of enquiring.

Wow that is a massive trauma, she needs professional help to work through that. Having the ASD diagnosis may help her to understand herself better, my ds10 has autism and it's been great for him to "have something to pin it on" when he doesn't understand something emotionally etc because the logical brain then has the narrative of "this is my autism" rather than "why am I like this, I'm so stupid, I can't comprehend this situation"

I don't have advice for your daughter but wanted to say how sorry I am. This sounds really distressing. Remember to take care of yourself first because you can't pour from an empty cup.