Memories of abuse from ex partner keep coming back to me

[greensleeves8]

I don’t know where to post or ask and I also feel a bit ridiculous about this and need to get this out in some form.

I was in a 5 year relationship which ended over 12 years ago. I didn’t realise it at the time but it’s recently that it’s come to me that
my treatment by my ex partner wasn’t right, I only focused on the violence which I knew wasn’t right but which happened later and it wasn’t a common occurrence.

I’ve realised that my ex used to be very emotionally abusive, controlling, even sexually violent at times.

im now married to someone else who is wonderful, miles away of a person from my ex. I don’t know why but I randomly keep getting memories coming back to me recently, and I’m finding it really upsetting. And even memories where I thought things were fine, I’m realising instances where I was gaslit and that the emotional abuse and control was far greater than I realised at the time. It’s impacted my self esteem massively since. So many things I’ve let go and I don’t understand why this is happening now, but it’s

like I can’t control the memories coming back.

I also feel pathetic and I should get over myself. My life is good and now all this keeps coming back to me. I’m thinking I need to speak to a counsellor but also feel like I’d be wasting their time??

Your happiness matters, so you would not be wasting anyone's time. Trauma is, in a nutshell, you mind's way of figuring out what happened in order to stop the same thing happening again. Maybe it's only now that you feel in a safe place that these thoughts have the space and time to be processed. You wouldn't not go to the hospital with a broken leg because you know it would heal in time, so give your mind the same care.

It sounds like you're experiencing flashbacks which can be part of post traumatic stress disorder.

It's not uncommon for trauma to take a while to manifest, especially if you now feel safe. Often it gets buried and you were probably in denial.

I advise you to get trauma based therapy to help you process it. You can read up on strategies for how to deal with flashbacks.

People used to think (some do) that abuse is only about violence but that's often the tip of the iceberg. It involves an awful amount of emotional and psychological abuse.