So, so tired of anxiety

[ScrewYouUniverse]

This is just a rant post really. I've name changed because my main account is very outing and I wouldn't want anyone from my family finding this. I hate, hate, hate the universe for giving me anxiety. It's the fucking worst. I would do anything to just take it away.

I started a new job recently after some time off due to ill health (not related to the anxiety!) and I haven't been able to sleep. I spend every morning before I go to work with my stomach churning, shaking, feeling sick, ringing in my ears, light headed, headaches, verging on tears constantly and nothing helps. No matter how much I pep talk myself and rationalise things and tell myself that nothing bad can happen, and even the worst case scenario isn't going to be life ending. But it doesn't matter, my brain won't listen, it's in pure fight or flight mode. I don't know how to convince it we're just going to work, not running away from a mountain lion.

I hate this so much. And the irony is I'm not a meek or shy or nervous person. Anyone meeting me would think me confident, calm and quite easygoing. I doubt they'd think "ah yes, this person has horrible anxiety". But under the surface is this absolute storm, and it's so exhausting keeping it in check that I come home from work and just pass out from exhaustion. I've lost 7lbs in 8 days because I can't eat before work and I'm too tired to eat after, so I'm just... Not really eating at all.

This has been a lifelong thing and I'm just so tired. I've tried different therapies and they help somewhat but they don't remove it. I've had no luck with medication, everything we've tried has 1) not gotten rid of the anxiety or 2) had such horrific side effects I was worse off for it. I exercise, I do yoga, I meditate. I've tried so much but nothing helps. The only things that numb it are also objectively bad for me (alcohol and CBD gummies). I'm fighting hard not to be dependent on either of those things. I already see my relationship with alcohol becoming unhealthy. I'm trying to just crack on with things because that's how I was raised - to push through mental health stuff, mind over matter. But my mind is TIRED.

I truly don't know how much longer I can live like this. I have MS, diagnosed in the last year, and if God descended from on high tomorrow and said he'd get rid of one or the other, I'd ask him to get rid of my anxiety in a heartbeat.

I have anxiety disorders so I definitely feel you on the hatred of anxiety. I know you say you’ve tried meds so I’m assuming you’ve been offered Propanolol already? I’ve just started on that and it has been very effective but I have to take it three times a day. As soon as it wears off I feel the anxiety again, but while I’m on it I’m so much calmer.

Anxiety is an emotion, not an illness. It's when the emotion is running in overdrive rather than bumbling along it becomes an issue - imagine if you were high level angry or scared all the time (I guess even constant happiness would be wearing after a while).

This has been a lifelong thing Any idea why it started?

Anxiety such as the OP is describing is an illness, a mental health illness.

When I described feeling like this my GP prescribed me medication for panic attacks, which has helped me immensely.

A year ago I started Sertraline after a lifetime of anxiety. Took me a while to pluck up the courage to take it...took a week off work and went for it. It has been amazing and I wish I had taken it years before. Not for everyone but worked for me.

I feel you OP. The only suggestion I have is going back to the basics with self care and and minimising triggers as best you can.

Hi
Did you experience any side effects with the sertraline? I'm in two minds, but scared of being dependent on anti depressants. How long until you felt better? Thanks.

Mental illnesses are still illnesses. HTH.

Unfortunately I didn't get on with Sertraline, it actually made it worse. After six months of bad side effects and two hospitalisations with serotonin syndrome I stopped it.

@RoseLattice propranolol was the most effective at actually numbing the anxiety, unfortunately it also made me so dizzy and lightheaded I couldn't work, and I was also one of the lucky recipients of insomnia as a side effect. It was very frustrating because it was nice to feel the anxiety calmed.

I'll keep trying what they offer me and hope one day to find the magic pill.

Very sorry to hear about the Propanolol, do you have low BP?

Sertraline didn’t work for me either, insomnia + weight gain + didn’t feel any better re: anxiety.

GP has put me on Fluoxetine + Propanolol, not sure about the Fluoxetine yet as apparently you feel much worse before you start to feel better (yay 😵‍💫).

I hope you find one that works for you!

Btw, edited to ask, did you take the Propanolol later in the day? GP told me that if it causes insomnia or vivid (and unpleasant) dreams that I should avoid taking it too late in the day.

How on earth is that a helpful post? Clearly what the OP is exhausted by is the overdrive that you mention, which - if it is distressing or disabling enough - is of course an illness. Did you really think that the OP might have been complaining about the normal, appropriate anxiety that is a realistic response to genuinely worrying situations?

As to solutions, OP, I guess I would want to ask what you think the cause of your anxiety might be. Could it be a response to trauma, which may require a 'talking cure' rather than medication.

It is interesting that you feel so many physical symptoms. I have terrible anxiety but it is almost entirely located in the relentless circle of ruminatory thought, coupled with just an undifferentiated sense of physical tension.

I do find that intense exercise helps. The tension drains down into my body and is burnt off by the action there, leaving my head a little calmer.

As to solutions, OP, I guess I would want to ask what you think the cause of your anxiety might be.

You've asked the same question I did. The answer is always in the root cause.

Just want to say solidarity as it is the same for me, likewise with trying multiple meds and them not working/giving me dreadful side effects (SSRIs were terrible in that regard). I'm so envious of people who can take them and have their anxiety issues effectively eliminated with little to no side-effects. Like yourself I've tried and still do lots: years of trauma therapy (I'm sure mine is partly a product of abuse and neglect growing up), I meditate, do yoga, exercise etc but there are many days and periods were it still feels like it is utterly defeating me.

OP - it’s when you get exasperated with it that you’re winning. This battle is horrific - but you’re winning this war.

Could you be perimenopausal? I know my anxiety peeked when o started the perimenopause. Might be worth investigating if you have other symptoms.
the other recommendation I have is hypnotherapy- my daughter had awful anxiety ;school and exams) and had lots of stomach related issues. She had a series of hypnotherapy and while it didn’t totally remove the issues it certainly helped she still uses the techniques now when she is anxious.

I suffered from random panic attacks bought on by health anxiety. There were no triggers, all of a sudden I would feel like the blood was draining out of my body and an intense feeling something bad was about to happen. Sertraline helped to calm this down and allowed me to function again. I then tried various holistic therapies alongside the Sertraline to try and retrain my brain. Silent Counselling was effective in helping to manage the panic attacks and I am happy to say I haven't had one for about 6 months

It sucks, OP! I’m similar - basically have PTSD from a previous job where I was under horrendous stress. So now, even though I like my job and don’t actually find it stressful, my brain/body are just not having it. So they make me shake, throw up and have several urgent shits every morning when I have work that day. And I similarly struggle to eat for the same reason as you.

I take mirtrazipine (sp?) and I also vape weed daily which helps with appetite, sleep and the racing thoughts of doom. And I take propranolol but I’ve seen you can’t have that.

My only “solution” was to drop down to three days working so at least I only have 3 out of 7 days where I feel like this. Although I do get anxiety around social events, travel etc as well.