Been living with my ex for 6 months. Every day is getting harder to force myself to carry on I just feel so trapped. I feel like I'm having to be on high alert constantly and its exhausting.
He's made it impossible for me to work refusing to pay childcare he says we can't afford it and hes working jobs with impossible hours after I've begged and expressed how much I want to work and contribute to the house he went and got himself a second job making it even more impossible for me to work! We are financially dependant on him as I can't get any help because he earns way too much...
Weve had so many court dates for him not paying council tax & other bills (which I've always had to be the one to find and dig us out somehow) he'll pick and choose what to pay each month. I have zero input to the bills im not allowed to know the definite amount he earns each month so I never know were we stand. There's been countless days I haven't had food/nappies at home but he'll get back from work telling me how he's had a KFC or hes been mcdonalds multiple times in one day or he'll say how banging his breakfast cob was.
The child maintenance I get for my 2 daughters (300 pound a month) I have to do food shops for 6 of us/buy uniform when it comes to it/toiletries for everyone.
He's constantly saying terrible things about his daughter (my step daughter) he rarely pays her much attention when she's here my heart has broke for there relationship so many times I used to try fix it but more lately I've had to put my kids first- I don't feel I want to get into explaining this one much but there's such big problems here/effects on us all as a family that this alone feels like a problem where our worlds just don't work together.
He lost his house key... so he kept taking mine, we'd be locked in the house so I'd have to climb out the living room window get the pushchair out & lift the kids over so that we wouldn't get in trouble with school for days off. This went on for months. There was a key cutter right across the road but I never ever had the spare money to go get one cut- embarrassing to admit.
I'm always accused of talking to people or cheating (I rarely leave the house) I'm not really sure what gives him this impression but somehow I always feel guilty? The most recent accusation was he has a box of condoms and there was supposedly 21 left but he only counted 20 so he decided I'd took one to meet someone and he found it a joke that I'd use 'his' condoms. If I happen to leave the house its always 'suspicious'.
I took my 2 daughters and our son to the park after school one day & I got questioned at who did I meet and again told im being suspicious. The rare times I leave the house I'm made to feel I'm in the wrong. He bought a ring door bell which is set up to his phone and I don't have access to it. When I get back from school run sometimes he'll talk to me over the doorbell.
A while back we miscarried together and I never really felt a big way about it he'd sit and say he couldn't believe how well i handled it and that he felt really effected by it this went on a few weeks until he made me feel guilty for not being distraught and I felt heartless. Convinced myself I was an awful person. This situation ended with him ringing my mum & my sister then trying to get me sectioned. Shortly after this conversations we'd had he convinced me my mum & sister were awful people didn't have my best interests and were against me. I know this situation to be so different at the time but it still hurts that I ever believed him regarding my mum & sister as of recent I've had to build those relationships back up.
Since we split my sister and her partner were very much like we're getting you and the kids a couple days break you need it- they're right I needed to get out but this also came with worries of what I'd return home too- we went to a caravan hols for 2 nights which the kids loved. My ex has told me he was going to commit suicide whilst we was away. He went into the details of how. He said the only thing that stopped him was because I messaged him at the time and he asked himself what the hell am i doing. This is my little boys dad I'd never want him to harm himself, but I feel so all over the place at how I'm meant to feel about this info. He used to say he was depressed and on tablets/in therapy and when we met im the reason he managed to get away from all that and how I was the best thing to happen to him, I used to feel he meant this nicely but I also felt immense pressure from that. Now I split up with him he's said he's on anti depressants and back in therapy. If I'm 'brave' enough to arrange getting out the house I feel the weight of what if that makes him do something unreversable? How do I keep him safe but also myself? I told him I'm moving me & the kids but now I almost feel like I can't.
Whenever I say he doesn't care about me or the kids he gets really pissed off I don't feel I can express much of how the 3 year relationship has had me feeling because we go round in circles or it's just he does care and i have to believe it else im being stupid.
These are some small examples of what I'm trying to explain.
I've had endless lie after lie from the beginning and I always battled with believing his words or his actions. He's never ever been physically abusive nor is this something I'm scared of becoming a reality but I feel scared to leave for some reason whilst also feeling like I must get away from this. I don't really know whats real and what isn't anymore and with fear of sounding dramatic I don't feel safe and I feel uneasy for the kids. I fear people not understanding why I need to get away or it not being good enough for us to get help then we will literally always be stuck here.
I've tried applying for social housing but the form always comes back with an error and I have no idea what other route I can take?!!! We have no family or friends close by and I don't drive. Nor do my family have big enough houses to facilitate us whilst we get sorted. I don't particularly want to go back to closer to family as the area where in now and the schools are so much better for the kids so I'd risk being lonely for a better future for them as such.
Am I selfish if I leave him? Is it bad I've debated leaving our little boy with him so I don't have to deal with him atall anymore and ties can really be cut fully? Am I a bad person? Where can I improve? What do I do next?