Scared of how I'm feeling

[OhshitSharon]

I don't really know what I'm looking for from this, just genuinely don't know where to turn or what to do. My life has turned to shit over the last year, too much to say here (we'd be here all day) but so much has changed it's like my brain can't keep up. I've tried to be proactive about my MH because I have a history of depression, always in response to difficult or traumatic life events, but I seem to be sinking regardless.

I woke up crying today and don't seem to be able to stop, all I can think about is not being here and how much better/easier it would be if I wasn't. I don't think I've ever felt like this before, always score zero on 'that' section of depression questionnaires but it's literally all I can think about today and I'm genuinely scared of what I might do. I'm due to start fluoxetine tomorrow (GP only gave me 2 weeks worth, told me to book back in to check how I was doing and get some more but then next available appointment wasn't for 3 weeks so I've had to delay starting them 🙄) but I'm a bit scared to now as I know they can make you feel worse before you feel better and I'm not sure I can afford to feel any worse.

All the things I would advise someone in my position to do (reach out to friends/family, ring Samaritans/crisis team etc) feel wrong, like they would make me feel worse so I'm not really sure what to do. I was having talking therapy but my therapist has gone off sick and they've been unable to offer an alternative so I just feel like I'm in this weird limbo where I'm trying to help myself but it's not really working and maybe that's why I've ended up feeling so low. I think I can get through today, DH will be home in a few hours so I'll have to pull myself together by then but what about tomorrow? And do I start the fluoxetine as planned or not, just a bit scared to do anything that might push me off the edge as I feel dangerously close as it is.

Hi, I’m so sorry you are feeling so low. Would you text SHOUT? It’s a bit easier than having to talk I find, I feel more in control. Would your husband come home early if you told him how you feel?
personally yes, I would start the fluoxetine. Whilst you may find it exacerbates your symptoms initially, some people don’t find that and I think in the long term it will be beneficial.
keep posting on here too, we can support you x

Sorry you feel like you do, can you ask your doctors if they can at least do another weeks worth while you wait for the appointment? How would you feel about phoning 111 option 2? They ask a series of questions to get you the most appropriate help & advice.

Just writing it out helped and I had a sudden compulsion to be outside after I posted so took myself out for a long walk in the rain, which sounds miserable but was actually really good. DH will be home any minute and I feel a bit more in control, thanks for your kind posts, it helps to know people are listening/reading. I'm going to call talking therapies tomorrow and chase up what's happening and I am going to start the fluoxetine, I have 14 so enough til my appointment on the 16th. I might be back if things do get rough in those first couple of weeks, always had citalopram or sertraline before so bit nervous about taking something new.