Narcissistic Mother

[Roderick1]

My mum has always been domineering, difficult, and bossy. Critical of others, cold with affection, negative, talking over everyone so the conversation is about herself. Needing to be the centre of attention, gossiping and nosy, obsessed with her appearance and how others see her, feeling completely flawless and treating every criticism as jealousy, and constantly seeking admiration. I put this down as her just being difficult and a “strong personality” but her behaviour left me with low self esteem, a lack of confidence and a fear of confrontations. It is only relatively recently that I joined up all the dots and realised that she has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and me getting upset or being made to feel guilty was fruitless as narcissism is like an impenetrable wall and can’t be changed. I have tried various coping mechanisms to deal with the times I see my mum, but I always come home depressed, frustrated, upset, and angry. It sometimes takes a day or two for me to calm down, and I dread going to see her. I can’t be alone in dealing with a narcissistic mother, and just wondered if others had any suggestions of how they have dealt with this?

It’s hard OP, and it’s unfair. I’ve fairly recently gone NC with mine, and though she was down banging on my front door for an hour yesterday, that’s one part of my life that’s now less draining.

I see this post is a few months old but to chime in, I have a mother very similar to the one you are describing and she ruined my life until the day I finally had enough while my father stood back and all but covered his ears and closed his eyes. It wasn't even a big thing that put me over the edge at the age of 39, just another one of her temper tantrums, but somehow, it was just enough for me to realize I could not live like this for even more day. (Her behavior got worse with each passing year, and took a major nose dive when I got married and had a child, her demands escalating to the point of near insanity, truly.) The only regret I have is giving her as much of my life as I did. She ruined endless special moments with my child, making them all about her, she demanded more and more of my time, while abusing and criticizing me every second she was in my company, and then accusing me of not giving her enough. It was never enough and I finally realized I could let me entire life float by feeling this way and being treated this way and it all would have been for nothing because it was NEVER going to be enough for that woman. She would only ever look at me with scorn and contempt while I bent over backwards trying to please someone who only ever demanded more and more. She drained the life out of me and I finally snapped. Let me tell you, I have not missed her for even one minute. It was only by finally putting my needs above hers that I realized our relationship was never one built on love, but rather control and cruelty on her part, and a desperate need to protect myself from her wrath by tolerating this mistreatment. It also opened my eyes to my enabling father, who I always thought I was protecting by tolerating her abuse. It took becoming a parent myself to realize that it was his job to protect me, and he never did. His reaction to me going no contact only confirmed how complicit he was in this dysfunction and the role I was expected to play. Turns out, that my father would rather sacrifice his children to worship at her alter than stand up for us (or himself). It's now been about 7 years since I've started my recovery journey but the damage that they both did to my self-esteem is, I fear, irreversible, and has permeated every single relationship I have ever had with anyone. My sibling cut ties with them long before me, even though I was the one who was treated far worse from my earliest childhood memory.

Since we're reviving old threads I have two things to say...

First is that it's really unhelpful to diagnose people with NPD unless you're a psychiatrist, and even then not simple.

Second is that my advice to anyone raised by a parent with narcissistic-type personality traits would be to have a few years of psychoanalysis. It will help you manage contact in a healthy and tolerable way (if that's what you want) as well as making sure you don't either repeat with your own kids, or overcompensate in a different, but equally unhelpful way.

'Second is that my advice to anyone raised by a parent with narcissistic-type personality traits would be to have a few years of psychoanalysis'

Couldn't agree more. Professional support is absolutely invaluable to come to terms with the impact of your parents behaviour on you, and to process the emotions involved. I needed to grieve for my parents (even though they are still alive!) and the relationship I thought we had. It was dark, scary, painful stuff and I would not have been able to do it on my own