pure OCD

[SteelBottle]

I've had a bit of a realisation this evening.

I've been to be honest getting progressively mentally worse since the pandemic.

I was diagnosed with inattentive ADHD about five years ago as an adult. I have autistic traits but not diagnosed.

I have always struggled to be honest but recently just felt like I am not getting better, not moving forward, stuck in circles.

It's a combination of self defeatism in my brain and really bad habits. I get glimmers of things going well then descend back into a pit of anxiety and self neglect. The worst part of it is that I self sabotage and am my own worst enemy. Its like a train trying to run on broken rails.

It's more than just oh pull it together and follow a routine.

For example in my home there are moths everywhere and I can't keep on top of dishes. I can't remember when I changed the bed linen - but I can't bring myself to do it as thar represents moving forward and self care which I don't feel I deserve. I have intrusive thoughts and obsessive behaviours with my phone and certain topics. The problem with these is that they are taking up so much time now.

I've been stuck and confused for a while . The realisation I had tonight was that this sounds like a form of OCD and I've got stuck in a huge rut.

I used to do a lot of flow activities - yoga, swimming etc. and I am sure these helped stop me getting into ruts before. CBT is also kind of helpful but I have to keep working at remembering to do it. I've also had success before with stopping or removing things and creating space for above mentioned yoga etc.

I feel a bit less ashamed for realising that this resembles OCD and I'm not the only person in the world to be struggling with it. I think it will always need managing but I feel a bit happier / less judgmental of myself. Thank you if you read this far.

I hear you op.

do you feel less entitlement to things because of your childhood or your expectations of how to be treated, maybe also out of the home like at school.

have you tried talking therapy that is not cbt. I actually want to recommend somatic based therapies. a therapist who is trained and very experienced in both talking therapy and holistic movement. probably a female therapist.

and a weekly appointment, maybe via zoom, so that you can keep on top of things (I mean your treatment of yourself) as it were, rather than things accumulating and spiralling.

@SteelBottle It’s great that you’ve had this realization it’s a big step toward understanding what’s been going on. Recognizing that it might be OCD and not just laziness or defeatism can help you approach it with more self-compassion. It’s not easy dealing with ADHD, anxiety, and obsessive thoughts, and it sounds like you’ve been really hard on yourself.
The fact that yoga, swimming, and flow activities helped before is a good sign that reconnecting with them might give you some relief again. Also, don’t be afraid to lean on CBT and other tools, even if they take effort. Managing these patterns takes time, but you’re not alone in this, and there are ways to regain control. Be kind to yourself you’re doing your best, and that’s worth acknowledging.