My depression makes my partner angry

[struggling1977]

Anyone experienced this? Low mood or anxiety makes your partner resentful, even angry? I can't cope anymore

My partner suffers from anxiety and depression so I tend to hide my own mood from him as much as possible. When that isn’t possible (I had a complete meltdown for a few weeks earlier this year) then he gets impossible; blames me for making everything “even worse” for him and has no understanding at all of the fact that I’m a human with feelings too.

Oddly, he’s brilliant with helping other people, just not me.

If I’m struggling though, I also find it hard to judge whether he’s actually angry and frustrated at me, or whether I’m just perceiving it that way (on days when it feels as though the whole world is against me).

I appreciate that’s a bit different as he’s the one with chronic depression, but I really do feel attacked and guilty whenever I need someone to lean on.

So what’s happening? Is he generally an angry, resentful person, or just right now in response to your mood?

Hopefully my response will help others with more relevant experience pick it up.

Do you think you would feel better if you ditched the angry partner?

No not generally, whenever I've struggled and in particular if I ask him to empathise. He goes the other way and cannot reassure me either. It's anger and disdain at my neediness almost

Are you getting any help such as therapy or medication? Do you look after yourself?

Are you treating your partner like an unpaid therapist? Are you being needy and repetively talking about your problems?

Yes I am, I also work full time and do all housework and cooking... never had a meal made for me even when i am at lowest point.
I am asking for empathy not therapy. But perhaps what u r saying is I am burdening him.

Being needy os the ultimate mumsnet sin so this site will not treat you well if commenters perceive you to be (ugh) “needy”. But none if it matters. If your needs, whatever they are, are treated as a problem by your partner then he isn’t a good fit for you. Its not a question of right or wrong. Who is good (not needy) or bad (sometimes depressed). Its a question of fit, of compassion, of empathy, of love.

I often wonder

Appreciate the honesty.

No, I'm imagining a scenario where I have a depressed partner who does nothing about their depression and does nothing but talk about it.

I'm imagining our lives revolving around their depression and anxiety because they are too down or anxious to do anything.

But what you're saying is, you're exercising, having therapy, taking medication, eating well and aren't constantly talking about it. However he's angry for no reason and doesn't lift a finger around the house.

In that case, I don't understand why you're with him as he obviously doesn't care about you.

I don’t know. It can be difficult to be living with someone who appears moody and is miserable. My husband has moments where he’s grumpy for a couple of days and it really brings me down and upsets me. So I can sort of understand your partner’s POV.

Partners should support and look after each other. Otherwise it isn't a partnership.
My dh has had to look after me through a lot of illness in recent years. We suffered a horrific loss and have supported each other. This is what partners do. He doesn't get angry when I am ill. Your partner doesn't sound as if he cares about you OP. I am so sorry.

Nope not accurate scenario.

My husband was seriously depressed for a few years and I'd be lying if I said I never felt angry or resentful of him during that time. It might be different because I suppose gender roles in the home tend to be different but for me I resented being the one that always had to keep the spirits up. I was cheery mum, let's go to the zoo today, let's go to the castle, always being the one that pushed everyone on if that makes sense? At the same time I was really worried about dh(he was suicidal at times), I had 2 young kids and it was a lot. I basically ran out of compassion sometimes, occasionally I needed it to be about me but it was always about him and his needs. He sucked the life out of me, the fun out of me but he was ill and I wasn't so he came first, always, that's where the resentment came in. I felt awful for how I felt but I hid it as best I could from him.

It was a really shit time for both of us. I suppose it really depends on how your depression presents itself, how long it has been going on and what effects it has on your day to day life?