I have had depression for many years following a violent marriage. I was always happy go lucky however, I am not that person anymore and I hate myself and dont want to be here anymore. I have tried 4 times to end my life. I was so close to my children however we had a fall out about 8 years ago and they wont have anything to do with me, I have tried and tried but to no avail. I cannot even see my grandchildren. I was extremely close to my dad but he passed away 10 years ago, thats when I tried the 1st time. Last years my mam and sister dies within a week of each other. So I have no one in my life. When people do try to get close to me I feel I become this horrible person and then they go. I really dont like myself and how I have became and just wish I was not here, but cannot seem to get that right