Feeling like no one would give a sh!t - in fact would prefer it if I wasn't around...

[Paranoid1stTimer]

LO is just 1 month old this week and I am having a terrible time feeling really down and pathetic. Some days I think I am coping but I feel like I don't have a clue what I am doing and LO would be better off with someone stronger and better as their mum but I love him to pieces it breaks my heart just to look at him.

I cant enjoy this time though cos I keep feeling guilty about having him like when I watch the news I think Why have I brought a baby into this world and then I worry something will happen to him and I feel guilty that one day I will be dead and he will be left alone in this world to cope and how selfish is it to make a baby?

Also, I keep having an overwhelming feeling that everyone hates me and wishes I was not around although I am not suicidal or anything but I really feel that people would be much happier if I wasn't "in the way". My in laws don't really like me and never really have. I told OH reluctantly that I feel like this but he just said I was making him "sad" saying stuff like this and I just told him I need his support but sometimes he is good at this kind of stuff and then other times he makes me feel guilty for being down. Its as if my feeling low makes other people feel bad and awkward so I should just shut up about it.

I know maybe tomorrow - or even later on today I might feel better or "back to normal" but this feeling keeps coming back. I hate my HV so I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to her about feeling like this and I am really shy anyway and don't "open up" to people very often so it is very hard for me to talk about this stuff. I hope someone else can post something here to bring me to my senses or advice or whatever.

Sorry for long post as usual...

can you go and see your GP? Its very, very hard when your LOs are young, especially if its your first one.

feelings can be totally overwhelming plus I expect you are exhausted from sleepless nights etc.

try talking to your GP...

your baby is so young, you are probably very sleep deprived and hormonal, so feeling extremely sensitive about everything. It's a shame you feel so on your own. Try to have people around you as a distraction from these thoughts and so that you can catch up on sleep, which will help you. OHs are usually sensitive about criticism of their families, so leave that for now and just make sure he knows how tired and sad you are and what he can do, practically, to help.

Are you sure there's no other HV you could talk to?

Perhaps go and see a sympathetic gp? You may just need to say what you sadi here, or print this out and take it, if it seems to overwhelming to say it all.

I suffer from depression, have done all my life. I had feelings like you, yet even so, many friends I have spoken too, in hindsight felt very similar to you after thier dc's were born. Depression or not iyswim.

I look back and think there must have been times my dh (now ex!) was saddened by seeing me so down.

But, after my dd was born I wasn't depressed, like I had been many times in my life I was in shock from a difficult birth, sleep deprived, confused, and worn out.

This has alot to answer for, and yet again hindsight is a great teller. Your partner sounds good, maybe you could show him your post?? Hv's are not that great in my exp, and make you feel like you are not normal sometimes!!!

i agree with mankymummy..try talking to your gp.
FWIW i was like this with my first. i spent the first 3 months telling myself that it was ok because someone would be coming to get him soon...like he wasn't mine but i was looking after him for someone IYSWIM?

I would also suggest talking to your GP, although, i felt exactly the same and never told anyone

It is such an overwhelming and emotional time though. i really had such a vast range of feelings in those first couple of months. I loved ds so so much but part of me just wanted to escape. i felt guilty as the breastfeeding took ages to get established so i felt like a complete waste. I was crying for no reason, felt so guilty about every little thing. Was I not holding the baby enough? Was I holding the baby too much? (bullshit of course but so many of my family told me I was amking a 'rod for my own back' for carrying my son and cuddling him a lot).

It's in my opinion very normal to feel this way. Your hormones are all over the place, you are most probably knackered, everything has changed. I'm sure you're doing a great job and this horrible feeling will pass, but you really need to talk to people and not feel guilty for having these feelings. Get as much help as you can and try and relax as much as possible.

Thanks for the advice. I am trying to get the courage up to actually talk to GP about this but the way I feel just now makes it hard to open up to anyone as i am def over sensitive. Guess it doesnt help that it is coming up to the anniversary of my dear mums death...

I suppose that is what GP is there for though and I should get some help before this gets out of control... Thanks again for your words

Yes, even if you just sit in front of the GP and say nothing, or burst into tears, whatever.

They've seen it all, believe me, and will be able to help.

Go on Paranoid, make an appointment, if you can't do it for yourself do it for your LO.

Take care, we'll be looking out for you!

Paranoid1stTimer

I could have written your post. It is exactly how I felt when I had my baby in 2001. I have since had 2 more babies and it does get easier but there are times when I find it so hard. I have no family and are not close to my inlaws nor have friends here and it is hard.

Your DH probably doesn't know what to say or feels scared by the magnitude of what you are saying and I would definitely recommend you both go and see the GP. They really have seen it all before.

Take care.

If you can't say it to your GP, write it down.

to hear you lost your mum. I lost my nan 3 years ago nearly and I miss her so much.

you've got a lot going on, no wonder it's hard! Pls see yr GP and ask for some help.
Wd it help to meet up with other mums with litle babies? Any postnatal groups you could go to? Teh 1s 3 mths of a baby are really hard so get all the support/contact with other people you can.

so sorry, but it's a relief to know. I felt exactly the same way when I had my dd, I wished that she died so I wouldn't have to take care of her. I didn't get help or tell anyone, just felt awful and guilty and hated myself and dh and dd.
We are all so happy now, wouldn't change things for the world!
Please talk to your GP, and you can get back into showing off your lo ...
[hugs]

hello Paranoid, how are you today?

PFT - I read your first post and had to let you know that I felt exactly the same way 2 years ago when my dd was the same age as your baby. I also had problems with being rejected by my inlaws and felt dd would be better off with a 'proper' mum who knew what the hell she was doing. I think had i gone to my GP and been honest with him sooner, i would have made a much quicker recovery from PND. Instead, i waited another 4 excrutiating months before seeking help. Like you, i would have some ok days where i felt i was just about coping, but i always knew the depression would come back and bite me in the arse in a day or two.

You are so strong for coming on here and admitting how you are feeling. Look on it as the first step to overcoming this. Please talk to your GP tomorrow or as soon as you can if your HV is anything like as annoying and patronising as mine seemed back then. You will get through this, don't ever be ashamed or embarrassed about asking for help. (((((hugs)))))