Severe depression

[boymama82]

I'm just hoping someone has some words of comfort/advice. I've suffered with depression since having my eldest son 4 years ago and got postnatal psychosis, I now have a 3 year old too. There are no issues in my life at all, kids are happy and healthy, my husband is my very best friend and the best dad I could wish for. No financial issues, we moved to a beautiful area 3 years ago so why oh why do I feel so low? I've been sinking for the past few weeks and today it has got me like a train, just want to sit staring into space and not speaking. I started citalopram 5 days ago and just need some bloody relief from my brain!!! It's like there's a voice saying 'you're miserable' on repeat and I really am desperate to not feel like this.

I went out for a walk with my friend yesterday and tonight were climbing a local tor to watch the sunset so I'm trying to do nice things but in truth I don't want to do anything. I'm missing the best years of my boys lives and ruining life for my husband too

I think sometimes it can just be chemical. In my opinion citalopram is a very good medication. Glad the psychosis never returned. I think you will start to feel better soon, and if you don't see your GP as they can prescribe a combination of meds to be more effective

As you probably know, antidepressants will take time to build up in your system to a point where they're effective (4-6 weeks, I think), and so acknowledging that it's normal to still feel rubbish at this point can sometimes be helpful.

Do you journal at all, OP?

I find that writing my thoughts down (and not holding back - just writing verbatim what I'm thinking without mentally editing it to sound better first) really helps me to move forward and to reduce the rumination on specific ideas. I still might write similar things each day if I'm going through something, but over time I find that getting it out of my head and onto paper (or iPad) really helps to give me a bit of mental peace. And I also end up kind of writing responses to my thoughts (almost as if I'm advising a friend) when I'm journaling, so it becomes a problem-solving tool akin to a listening ear.

You're doing all the right things with the exercise and being out in nature, so I think I would focus on the acceptance that (1) it's normal to feel like you do at this point and that (2) you're doing the things you need to be doing to promote your recovery and.that (3) in the depression, it feels like you'll always feel like this, and it's almost impossible to imagine that you'll ever be happy or carefree again, but that once you've come out of the other side, you'll realise that's this isn't correct, and that feeling this low is only temporary, despite it feeling permanent at the time.

This last one really helps me to feel less distressed about low mood, as reminding myself that it's temporary helps me to ride it out (and to challenge myself when I incorrectly conclude that my life is permanently ruined!).