Husband tremendous amount of grief and emotional pain. Complicated grief?

[stayathomewife]

Trying to understand more on how my husband process his grief, it like he in this tremendous amount of grief and emotional pain. Sorry English is my third language.

It alot of unpack, in the 14 years together with my husband.

His older sister died of car accident on freeway, a drunk driver crashed into her, on freeway she died on scene.

When his father died of pancreas cancer, he was the one that care for him to his last months by his dad bedside, when his dad took his last breath, he sit he sit there with his dad dead body for 12 hours (Rigor mortis was basically sets in), we (me and his mom) have no choice but to call the hospice so the hospice doctor can come and declare his father time of dead. He was holding his dad dead body for 12 hours and not want to let his dad go.
.......
The funeral was he prepaid for his father, so the funeral people come and put a tag on his dad foot, and cover his dad body a white sheet, and got his dad body out to funeral van. His mom basically sit there and just cry her eyes out.
Him not only he bawl but he also literally follow his dad body to the funeral van, and he run after the funeral van as it drove away.

His mom 4 years ago since she had a massive hemorrhagic stroke didn't kill her but leave her quadriplegia paralyze, and also her kidney failure. It has been since my husband overwork himself to pay for his mom Private Nursing home so she can have quality care doctor and a team of nurses care for her around the clock.
He also prepaid for her funeral and gravesite so she can be buried near his dad.

5 years ago in 2019 our toddler/the child of me and him died of brain disease( the baby got brain disease inherited genetic from me the mom side) specialists said our child won't live pass age 2.
My husband care for our child in that 1.5 years of our child life in and out of the hospital, he watch our child die slowly and there nothing he can do. He keeps our child ashes urn with him right in our home with him, and it been 5 years since our child died.

In 2021 I had a near death experience, I was discharge home with hospital bed, bedridden and with oxygen tank hook in my nose 24/7. My husband took off work and care for me day and night for a whole month. The bedridden me defecate on myself and my husband clean my defecation that whole month. He also sleep with a pillow and a blanket on the carpet right by my bedside (we had a hospital bed in our bedroom got discharge home with it and oxygen tank).

I guess it our child death, and then me almost die, I basically saw him cries everyday. So so much tears from him, and emotional pain. Many times he bawl, not just cry, completely bawl, so much to the point he has both hands on his head and bawl to the point collapse and curl up in a ball on the ground. His emotions is just INTENSE.
Even in his deep sleep he bawl, I do not know why but tears just roll down his face and he bawl in his sleep.

I did recover thank you to him care for me. Many times he hugged me and said he very afraid (as in he very afraid that I will die). I don't know if it his father death, our child death, and my near death experience all build up together.

This was when he started to cut his stomach with a kitchen knife, he said stomach skin is thinner and has more nerves so it hurts more, and nobody see his stomach than if it was on his legs of arms, so he chose to cut his stomach, he cuts deep the point bleeding that he has bandage wrap around his waist bleed.
And that was how I first time found out about he cut himself too was I saw the bloody bandage wrap around his waist when he took his shirt off.

His emotions is just so INTENSE, and his grief is just so intense it like he crave the physical pain to mask his grief.

He still has the scars on his stomach from he cut his stomach with the kitchen knife. He doesn't cut himself anymore, he said he will continue live for me, I am the reason why he still living. This is why I am taking care of my health, I must be healthy for him.

He said if I happen to go before him (die before him), he will go with me. And don't I say that he leaving anyone behind because he not, his older sister died, his father died, his child the child with me and him died, his mother soon will be die too she quadriplegia and end stage kidney failure. And if I die too. Who is he leaving behind? He said he will die with me, because on the other side has his father, his child, has me, and we be a family again. Can it be his Complicated grief and depression talking?

He said if I die before him, my ashes will be with him by his side just like our child ashes with him.

What is going on with my husband? Prolong complicated grief? It like he in a tremendous amount of grief and pain due to he one by one loss all his blood immediate family. I'm trying to get him to a grief therapist, but he not want to go. So I am still trying.

To be honest, that sounds reasonable to me- he is feeling everything. He has now stopped self harming- cutting

Some people shut it off in order to survive it, bury it inside themselves. It never gets dealt with, just ignored.

He sounds as though he has an awful lot of grief left to process. Every time he loses someone, he revisits the earlier grief as well. That is normal- he just has more to process than most people.

In the UK there are grief helplines you can call, a website called Cruse. You could read it and see whether it helps you understand what he’s going through a bit better. There may be advice there for you to help him.

Oh that poor man. I think he needs help before losing his mum.

Your poor DH. He's been through so much. He should seek professional help and start by talking to his GP. The problem with even just one traumatic loss is that it makes future losses so much harder. Your DH has had more than one too. I've just had one and I can't go near death or funerals without having a panic attack.

He (and you) have suffered a lot in a lifetime. It is obviously weighing heavily on him. If he is open to it counselling would be a good thing for him I imagine? A place to talk and offload some of the grief he must carry around with him. Has he seen a GP? Gone on antidepressants to see if they help?

He sounds like he needs professional help. Start with the GP (Doctor), they can get him help from a psychologist. He possibly has PTSD from dealing with all those things. That is a lot of grief to deal with.

I am also very sorry for the loss of your child and the near death experience you had. You may also need support.

Wishing you and your DH all the best. It sounds like you’ve both had a very hard time of it

I been trying to get him to a grief therapist but he not want to go, and he not have the time. He work 80 hours a week, 12 hours a day, just so he can have enough money to pay for his mom Private Nursing home and medical care.
He also take her to Dialysis 4x times a week (and Dialysis process take 5 hours each time) so that another 20 hours. Add up to his 80 hours work a week, that 100 HOURS total a week.

Mrs lsometimwonder is right, I am very worry his mental health state once his mom pass. I worry he might break down.

2 days a month one weekend is his mom in our home. 28 days is she in Private Nursing home, and 2 days is she with us. It is my husband that schedule it like that. As he wants time with his mom and his mom also want time with her son.

And his mom is not a prisoner in her Nursing home, she has the rights to spend 2 days out of the Nursing home spend it in her son home. It just he care for her so much, I worry he might break down when she die.

Usually those who are caregiver like my husband, that will struggle hard and have PTSD when loosing a loved one, and this time it his mother.

She 81 already, and I I guess elderly can be just like a kid, she wants him to sit next to her and talk to her, him him all the times. He just can't get rest, due to she quadriplegic paralyze, he spoon feed her each spoon while talking to her to get her to eat.
Each meals is he spoon feed her each spoon.

He the one that change her poop and pee diapers 6-7 times a day too, as he not want her to be in soil diapers for long, so everytime she goes is he change for her.

She quadriplegia she can't move all four limbs. When she sneeze and has runny nose and it him that has to get tissues to blow her nose as she cannot move her hands or arms.
She wants water throughout the day is he has to get a cup of water with straw put the straw right next to her mouth so she can drink. Spoon feed her each meals.

Every hour he rubs her hands arms and legs and feet, he said he want her to get blood circulations because she paralyze. And every hour he turn her too as he not want her to have bedsore.
If she itch, he has to scratch for her, her arms and legs paralyze.

His mom hair is all white and her skins are wrinkles, her skin is so thin, last time she was in the hospital they poke her an IV in her hand, and her skin bleed under (normal for thin fragile skin of elderly). When he wipes her hand with a wet cloth, he cries from see how thin her skin is and the IV caused her bruise.

Simple see her how fragile she is, and see wrinkles skin and her hair is all white, he cries.

He is a very loving, sensitive, devoted son. Unfortunately his type is the type that will suffers the most from losing loved ones. And it his mom.

I hope he get through this, it when she die that when I worry how he going to reacts to all this since he been her caregiver for long time, 4 years already, and still counting until his mom die, he said he won't stop care for her until the day she took her last breath.

Your poor husband. The man is traumatized. Of course he needs professional help and compassion.

Nothing but hugs.

Speak to the people at his mother’s hospital and see if there is a grief group there he could join—he and his mother could join together. Look for youtube video counseling on grief that the two of you could watch together.

Ask for his assistance with your grief. Make a plan to deal with your lost child then extend it to his father. That is try to help him resolve one grief and perhaps this will help him open up to resolving the others.

Thank you so much, it like my husband stuck in complicated grief, he just can't get out of it.

He seems to have suicidal thoughts too, he told me if I die before him, he will die with me. And all it takes is ONE second of grief my death is enough for him to pull the gun trigger to his head. I mean is true, with a gun all you need is one second to pull the trigger like he said.

And he get offended too, he said don't I say that he leaving anyone behind because he not, his older sister died, his father died, his child the child with me and him died, his mother soon will be die too she quadriplegia and end stage kidney failure. And if I die too. Who is he leaving behind?
He said he will die with me, because on the other side has his father, his child, has me, and we be a family again.

I think it his prolong complicated grief and depression talking.

I take his words seriously, because he cut his stomach before. When I had my near death experience and he almost lose me, this was when he started to cut his stomach with a kitchen knife, he cut alot and everytime his emotional pain it so intense he cut again, he cuts deep the point bleeding that he has bandage wrap around his waist bleed.
And that was how I first time found out about he cut himself too was I saw the bloody bandage wrap around his waist when he took his shirt off.

This man when I married him he has no scars on his body, after married to me now his stomach is full of scars, I feel bad that I blame it on myself that because genetics our child get brain disease from me the maternal side, that why our child died. And I blame it on myself for being sick, hence he on the verge of lose me too, so he stared cutting himself.

Good thing he has been keeping himself busy with his long hours work and caregiving for his mom, phew. he not cutting himself anymore. I just hope it won't relapse once his mom die.

How did you manage to control your panic attack or cop with it Mrs. PuppiesLove? I have big time anxiety and panic attack episodes too.

My husband however very calm and patience, it just he grief alot, so so much grief. Never see a man who cries as much as him, but I don't blame him, his immediately family one by one died.

There is a book called ‘Love yourself like your life depends on it’ by Ravikant. He was in a bad place and managed to get himself out of it. Maybe both read that.
Also Eckhart Tolle ‘The power of now’. Again both read it.

Both have helped me and I too have had issues with grief and loss.

The cutting may be because cutting releases brain chemicals, which help the feelings he has. So he is not wanting to cut to die but to release the pain.

He needs help with his grief.

Does he exercise? Exercise can help process hard feelings. Also can he name how he feels - can he talk about it?

There is EMDR therapy that may help him too. Try and find a qualified person. He has to want help though.

Meditation for the panic attacks. I’m pretty good at it now. I can clear my mind for a fair bit of time and stop the minds chatter!

Your poor husband... what unimaginable grief. I'm sorry for everything you and your family are going through. He definitely needs to see his GP who can provide help and support and signpost him towards mental health services to help with the self harm, and counselling. Thinking of you x

I cope with a lot of the day to day by spending a lot of time in nature. I've become quite the adventurer.

Fortunately I don't have to go to funerals often and I've actually avoided them up to this this point. I can be supportive of people in other ways. I did try to go to one but had a meltdown and stayed home. Unfortunately people like my parents aren't getting any younger. One day I will have to face it. I have a prescription to help me through when that day comes. It's not the sort of thing to be encouraged on the regular though. I took antidepressants for a year and did find it took the edge off.

I was also lucky to make a friend who was in very similar circumstances to me. It's good to be connected with someone who really understands, even though we don't talk about it much.

I do feel like your DH needs some sort of professional support at this stage. He's clearly in a very bad place.

Your poor husband. All that grief, layer upon layer. And his Mother will die too.
But also - you - the loss of your dearest beautiful child (not your fault) & a near death experience. Plus, watching your husband in such pain he's self harming. I think you both need professional help.
He/you might need GP medication support for sleep, depression or anxiety as well as 'talking therapy'. No offence meant but you've been through 'hell' & you are not quite out of it yet.
I hope you can both find good support to keep moving forward with your lives x

Thank you Sir/Mrs isthereaway for your kind words. I am going to keep continue talk him to at least go to a grief therapist.

His mom will die, the specialist already said so, she quadriplegia paralyze four limb, and end stage kidney failure, and she already 81.
One by one all his blood immediately family died, his older sister, his father, soon be his mom, our child of me and him. Basically he only has me left after his mom gone.

He seems to have suicidal thoughts too, his Wills seem like he write his last words. He 39 (which is not old for a man), and he already have a Will sign in front of a lawyer. And he already Prepaid for his own cremation, arranged with the funeral director, once he die he wants to be cremate and mix his ashes with me and our child together three of us, and scatter it. He does not want to be buried.

His will actually very straightforward. If he die first, all his assets and his everything he has all go to me. He didn't name anyone else beside me.
But if I die first, if I die before him, he already has a lawyer to take care of his assets (donate to children brain disease research due to our child died of brain disease), and in his will he state the funeral director (he already Prepaid) will cremate him, and mix his ashes with mine and our child and scatter it.

He always told me if I die before him, he will die with me. And all it takes is ONE second of grief my death is enough for him to pull the gun trigger to his head. I mean is true, with a gun all you need is one second to pull the trigger like he said.

And he get offended too, he said don't I say that he leaving anyone behind because he not, his older sister died, his father died, his child the child with me and him died, his mother soon will be die too she quadriplegia and end stage kidney failure. And if I die too. Who is he leaving behind?
He said he will die with me, because on the other side has his father, his child, has me, and we be a family again.

I think it his prolong complicated grief and depression talking.

I take his words seriously, because he cut his stomach before. When I had my near death experience and he almost lose me, this was when he started to cut his stomach with a kitchen knife, he cut alot and everytime his emotional pain it so intense he cut again, he cuts deep the point bleeding that he has bandage wrap around his waist bleed.

This man when I married him he has no scars on his body, after married to me now his stomach is full of scars, I feel bad that I blame it on myself that because genetics our child get brain disease from me the maternal side, that why our child died. And I blame it on myself for being sick, hence he on the verge of lose me too, so he stared cutting himself.

Good thing is his schedule has been keeping himself busy with his long hours work and care for his mom, phew. at least he keep himself busy, so it a 'temporary' solution for all his prolong complicated grief and all his emotional pain.

I’m so sorry for your loss. 💜

He has experienced so much pain. Not that counselling is easy especially when there is so much pain but I think it is advisable that he gets to talk to an experienced, good professional therapist to help process some of his grief. Could you visit the GP together as a first step?

Don’t worry about his saying he will kill himself after you die. He is solely responsible for his own life. But i also don’t think it necessarily means he will do it. A future statement like that, like the cutting, may be just a way of feeling more in control and releasing the unbearable pressure he feels as he imagines being left again. Just respond sympathetically to the pain he feels and don’t try to handle it factually or reject it. Just say something sympathetic like “oh darling I know how hard this all is but you mean the world to me and I hope you will be able to live and love again if I weren’t here..”

I take suicide talk very serious, especially with a man who already cut his stomach with a knife, and need stiches. He bleed alot that it needs stiches, he drove to a broke down Urgent Care and said that he got hurt while operating machinery and pay them in Cash to get his cut stiches up.

And I actually have a friend's father who a big time alcoholic and you know alcohol can really mess with your mental health. Her father suicide after said he will and it did it, and leave her and their siblings (3 kids total) and her mom (his wife).

BUT my husband case is different, my husband never drink a drop of acohol a day in his life, never smoke never drink. So he very clear minded. He has a University Master degree in Chemical Engineering, so he sure can think. I just hope he get through his, especially after his mom die as he been caring for her for 4 years straight already.

I will continue try to get him to therapist, will try to get him to see a GP too, he has good health, all tests result is normal, he does see the doctor for scan of his lungs (his jobs required him to). As he work in Petroleum-chemical process plant, so he work with hazardous chemicals and inhale it too.

Thank you so much for the input/advice, I take notes of what recommend for him to do.

Kelly51, you not have to reply to my post. You also can report my post to the Moderator, and if it violate any rules the Moderator will delete it. Do whatever you like. I have the rights to post here.

And Kelly51, I don't need a job, I'm not living off my husband money, I have my Shanghai businessman father inheritance when my parents deceased and leave the inheritance for me. I don't have to work for the rest of my life and not have to worry.

Now if my stubborn husband who pride too high on his manhood of never use a penny of a woman's money, and accept my inheritance help with his mom, then he doesn't have to overwork himself to pay for his mom Private Nursing home and medical care all on his own.

But that a different topic, it has nothing to do with this thread under Mental Health.

You welcome to report my thread if you like though, I have the rights to post here just as you do.

If I had money I wouldn't be allowing my mentally ill husband to kill himself supporting his dying mother.

If you have the money then pay for her care and give him some breathing room to rest and get some therapy. Your dh is approaching—or in—a near delusional state of grief. The cutting is an extreme manifestation of his distress. If you have the money you should try to save his life by freeing up some of his time for treatment.

You might also try to get him sectioned and given a mental health workup. Just standing by is not working for him.

Thank you for your help Mrs. I'm at my wits end with him not want to accept my inheritance. He said the inheritance was my deceased parents leave for me. And he won't touch a penny of a woman's money. His manhood pride is just too high.

He just refused my inheritance help, he shut me out completely on the inheritance help issue every time I bought it up, don't know what to do anymore except maybe I should just cry and cry, and cry more till he accept my help.

We together 14 years, married 12 years, he is my husband, I not mind use my inheritance money to pay for his mom Nursing home, but he not want my help.

I mean I can just go the Nursing home myself and prepaid a year for his mom, and he can just get mad at me. But then at least I can get him some help as right now he working 80 hours a week just so he can have enough money to pay for his mom care, he carry the burden of his mom all on his shoulders alone. And just shut me out.

Please help me, what do I do? He just won't use my inheritance help.