Can you be programmed to be miserable?

[OverwhelmedAnonymous]

I have a very fortunate, comfortable life.

And I am very, very unhappy.

This is showing in mental and physical symptoms now, and I feel so close to just wanting to give up, to crawl into a hole and stay there. I dont know what to do.

I have a very well paid and interesting job, it’s high pressure and stressful, but good work life balance etc overall considering the money and in a sector I care about. I have a lovely and children and adorable pets. A beautiful big house in the countryside. I’ve had therapy 3 times. I’m on Venlafaxine. I’ve been on Estrogel for 6 months plus mirena coil, as thought it could be peri (I am 40). I try to do yoga when I have time. I go on a spa break around once every 1-2 years and 1-2 family holidays. We have lots of domestic help.

What the hell is wrong with me. Help me work it out please.

*a lovely husband

Hi OP, what was your childhood like?

My mum was always miserable, very changeable moods and sometimes screamed at or hit us, and I think looking in hindsight was seriously depressed and anxious. She never acknowledged any of this and I don’t think has been medicated. I have been diagnosed with depression and / or GAD several times. I’ve been referred for an ADHD assessment. I feel lonely a lot.

@OverwhelmedAnonymous has the therapy shown anything up?

I also have a similar life and have basically crumbled over the last two years despute high oestrogen, mirena and testogel. Age 46.

I started therapy and have just moved to counselling. I learnt a lot about myself that I didn't know before in the therapy. Hoping the counselling gives me some coping skills too.

I have finally admitted I chronically worry. About literally everything!

I think I have been like this since I was little. I can only blame it on the way I was parented. I see the same traits in the way I parented to a degree. Not to blame my parents, they were fantastic and I had a great childhood. Did you uncover anything similar?

Do you get much exercise? This is always key for my mental health.

OP, I also often feel lonely. X

Strength training and nutrition have also helped me a lot.

Do you do things that give you purpose and feel you’re living a meaningful life? What are your values and are you living in line with them?

@Imalongtimepostingmum each time I had it it was helpful, but they give me exercises and homework which I am clearly not going to do, as I’m struggling already. It’s never felt like it’s done all that much good. I also haven’t really found a therapist I click with and there is very little choice around here.

@SpagBolBowl exercise definitely helps, but it’s a vicious cycle as the more I feel low the more I don’t do it, the more I feel low…I also struggle with being v busy at work and often home alone in the evenings as DH is at work. I can’t do a video at home, just won’t happen

I’m sorry to hear that OP.
Not so surprising that you are struggling, given that very difficult upbringing. It’s also interesting that you didn’t mention that in your first post and just focused on how unreasonable you felt to be unhappy with the life you have now. It sounds like you need to be kinder to yourself xx

@InWithPeaceOutWithStress the animals, especially horses, feel like my main purpose and what brings me most fulfilment. I get a lot of satisfaction for caring for them well and training them. Family too obviously but in a very different way and often also a source of stress. I find motherhood hard.

@Curtainsformeplease the irony is if I don’t sort myself out my kids will be able to say the same about me won’t they? I’m all over the place. Been very snappy at my toddler today.

You are making a lot of effort to ‘sort yourself out’ though so I really doubt that you are treating your children like your mother treated you.
Do you have friends as well as your family?

Not really, only superficial friends - I moved to a new area about 5 years ago and dont have close friends here

I can see how that would add to your feelings of loneliness. I’m in a similar position and it can feel too difficult to go out and socialise when feeling low.
Would it be worth seeing a private psychiatrist who would be able to look at different medication options if Venlafaxine isn’t working for you?

I will be seeing a private psychiatrist for the ADHD assessment from my understanding , maybe if I talk to them they can help me

Yes, don’t give up. It does sound like you need some different medication and the psychiatrist will be able to help you with that.
Good luck, I can empathise with how you are feeling xx

@Curtainsformeplease thank you really appreciate it

Is feeling generally happy most of the time how people usually feel? Is that normal? I seem to struggle with just living normal day to day life - you wouldn’t know it from the outside. Or not until recently anyway, but it feels like the wheels are really coming off

I don’t know what is normal but I struggle to get through each day. I have to grit my teeth to force myself to do anything and to try not to think about how pointless my life is.

So I'm sure you know OP that depression is to a large extent inherited. I say this just because there is no point in blaming your poor mother any more than you would blame her if you had inherited Huntington's. And it's no more valid than if your children go on to blame you.
It's more useful to find treatments that work for you, or behavioural changes maybe that you can build into family life to hopefully go some way to protecting your children, not from you, but from anxiety and depression which they may face in the future. I'm guessing nowadays we have a lot more treatment options and therapies than were available even 20 years ago.

Would it be within the realms of possibility to structure your life differently, to give you more time to do the things that give you fulfilment? Everything comes with a cost but if dropping a day from your busy job gives you more time to spend with animals, it might be worth the material impact.

I think therapy only goes so far. Once you’ve processed your childhood trauma, if you don’t change your life, you’re unlikely to see radical results. Evidence shows that anti depressants are no better than placebo, it’s fundamentally unproven that depression is due to a chemical imbalance in the brain. All the research suggests it’s a response to your environment.

So figure out what you need (friendship / time in nature / physical activity / purpose and meaning) and you’ll be happier.

I could have written this all myself OP, feel like life is passing me by and I am just surviving rather than living and enjoying life and all of the things I should be grateful for. It is hard when friends all have busy lives too. Could you maybe try another medication? Or join a new group? Where abouts do you live?

I think the ADHD may have a lot to do with it. I'm very much the same (except my life is possibly less fortunate and lovely sounding as yours) but even when it has been better in the past I have suffered with low mood and depression..
Understanding the ADHD will help because you may learn more about what your brain needs and what works for you.