Terrified of therapy - trigger warning CSA

[ijustneedtokeepbreathing]

I started therapy a couple of months ago, prompted by issues in my marriage and now ex, plus I was struggling to stop drinking.

Anyway, perhaps inevitably some long standing stuff has come up, including the fact that I was groomed and ended up in a sexual relationship with a man in his 30s when I was 14, and got pregnant when I was 14. It's stuff I haven't addressed before and haven't even come close to talking about. This is the first time I have had therapy (am early 40s).

Anyway, I dread the sessions. I feel so anxious. In our last session I felt able to talk about some things and then went home and just cried in bed.

I like and respect my therapist and he is well trained and has experience in this area. But I am convinced that he now sees me as a truly awful person and will tell me he can no longer work with me.

It's just fucking painful and awful. Is this what therapy is like? Am I losing my mind?

Consider different types of therapy. Maybe something like emdr might be worth a go.

As a therapist I can assure you that he will only be concerned about your current welfare and progress. No one would have anything other than sympathy for the plight you went through but do trust him and tell him how you are feeling.

Thanks @Eyesopenwideawake . I have considered telling him in next week's session, but it's such a hard thing to verbalise, as in "I am really worried you think I am a revolting person and beyond help. If that's the case, please tell me now so I seek help elsewhere". 😨

Try something like "I find it hard to believe people, like you, don't judge me when they know what happened to me. How can I get over that?"

You were groomed and abused; no right thinking person would judge you for that and I promise you he won't. If it's too hard to say, write it down or email/text him ahead of time.

Thank you @Eyesopenwideawake. That is really helpful and I will take your advice.

@ijustneedtokeepbreathing No therapist worth their salt would judge a child for being sexually abused.

I was warned when I had a counsellor that it could make me feel worse as emotions and memories were stirred up. ( SA )
Do you trust your therapist?

If you don’t feel at ease maybe try another one.

@ijustneedtokeepbreathing If you have repressed your feelings of revulsion at what happened to you as a child and powerlessness ness as well, of course it is going to be painful to address these suppressed powerful emotions.

Think of it like lancing a boil.

Get that anger out.

It wasn’t your fault- You were an innocent child.😔

I do trust him @oakleaffy , as much as I trust anyone.

If you do, then trust your instincts..and tell him.

No one will judge you. He has probably heard many similar cases, sadly.

The person who needs to feel shame is your abuser {who very likely abused other children}. Not you.

You should tell him. He will reassure you. This is therapy unfortunately. Especially relational/attachment therapy. Insecurity and anxiety comes with the territory. This stage does pass. Once you form a secure attachment with him it will fade away but it does take time.

Thank you @Balloonhearts @Eyesopenwideawake @oakleaffy . I told him and he did indeed reassure me (or try to, I only partially believe him). We are going to work on it.

Hi @ijustneedtokeepbreathing , I am currently having counselling for csa. I am having I through a specific charity that only does counselling for abuse and rape victims. The type of counselling is so so different to wjat o have experienced before. Maybe you need something more specific?
It is normal to feel like you need to go to bed after it though. You are talking about such a traumatic event.
Feel free to pm me if you'd like x

Yeah I didn't believe it either. But mine said something about a year in that I still remember and still comforts me now.

He told me that there would be reassurance when really needed but he wasn't going to keep trying to convince me. That he was just going to keep on being there and caring until it was no longer a question.

@Balloonhearts that's a really lovely comment that he made, thank you for sharing that.