My ex and I were together for 5.5 years. At the start of the relationship, he was charming - 11 years older than me and me being 23 years old at the time I thought this man was the bees knees, I thought it was going to be a proper “grown up” relationship. I wanted to experience everything with him, and truly thought he was the person I was going to end up with. He showered me with lavish dates, was exceptionally generous with gifts and holiday plans - I felt infatuated.
Red flags started to show about a year or so in. He started to behave like it was his world and I was just living in it - making plans for us without communicating them to me etc and wanting to continue on with his normal life, without really factoring me in at all, and considering how I might like to spend my time.
As time went on it became more apparent that what had bought us together was initial lust and infatuation that actually didn’t really have a solid foundation - we had very little in common, and didn’t have many shared interests at all.
We also had very different views on life, politics, outlook on life and biggest of all - mental health.
There were many times throughout our time together where I tried to end the relationship, and a number of times he did too, but we always came back together, because it was the easy thing to do. I remember some of the times we broke up, I was so excited to be able to date and see what else was out there, other times I was left shocked. The reality is the foundation of our relationship was not strong. A lot of the time I also felt very confused about the relationship, was it right, was it wrong. I convinced myself that it was right because everyone else seemed to think he was such a great man - maybe I was the problem.
We got to a make or break point, where my ex freaked out about commitment (about 3/4 years in) and I offered him an ultimatum, either commit to me or not - I had suffered way too much instability due to the relationship and I decided enough was enough, and he decided he wanted to commit. I was prepared to give him another chance, but in retrospect should’ve walked away.
He’d also started to make certain comments that started to affect my sense of self worth. He would paint himself out to be almost saint like (because everybody loved him) and I felt like the dirty rascal - “I was miserable, negative, crazy for bringing up my feelings of unhappiness” etc.
Anyway - we decided to buy a flat together (it was our make or break moment). I threw my all in to making it our safe space, in an attempt to make the relationship feel secure. My family life was also unsettled so I needed my own space to escape to. We became engaged a year or so on, which made all of our friends and family thrilled, I did however have a niggling doubt in the back of my head when I accepted his proposal. The doubt was telling me that this felt like a tickbox moment, rather than one that was bought about because of our undying love for eachother. I was happy about it, but more happy because I knew it would make my family and friends happy, and it offered me security. I thought if I kept trying to fix the relationship it would eventually end up feeling like a happy relationship.
I planned the perfect wedding. I planned quality time. And my ex did nothing. The crushing of my self worth got worse and instead of walking away, I just put up with it.
It all came to a crushing end when he eventually broke off the engagement. I was in shock because it had been something we had discussed about for months, but I didn’t think with any level of seriousness. And I never wanted to follow through with it because I’d become so obsessed about what everyone would think, and disappointing people. How could I possibly tell people that a wedding was off? For me that felt more embarrassing to admit we’d made a mistake, it felt easier to just continue in it.
There were times when I did raise it with my ex throughout the period we were engaged, I raised the compatibility issues, raised that I felt unhappy, raised that I felt like he didn’t care - but he told me I was being ridiculous. I just felt even more confused, and used the wedding planning as an escape in a way - at least it was fun.
I also was so scared about having to sort out what to do with the flat, our cat, actually cancelling the wedding etc. But what I didn’t realise throughout all of this, was that I was never really upset at the thought of losing him as a partner? I just thought it would be easier to continue in the mess, rather than try to tidy it up.
I also came from a traumatic childhood (lots of emotional abuse, and some physical abuse), and for me it became second nature to dismiss my feelings and put others before mine. Which is what I did and always have done - I’ve never really been true to myself.
A couple of weeks after our break up, I began to heal from the shock factor but still felt incredibly daunted at the prospect of sorting everything out.
A month after our breakup I went on a date with an amazing man, who has taught me so much about compatibility and emotional intelligence. I very quickly fell head over heels for him, but we waited a good few months before making our relationship official so the rawness of my old relationship wasn’t as prevalent.
To this day, I have not forgiven myself for the mistake I made with my ex, and honestly wish I could go back and change it all so it never happened. I feel like I’m in a permanent state of depression and can’t let myself be happy because of the grief I feel of people not fully understanding my situation, making judgements about moving on too quickly. My new partner who is wonderful, I fear am letting slip away because I can’t stop beating myself up about the past.
Please let me know if anyone else has experienced anything similar. I am the only one in my circle who has been through something like this so I feel very alone.