What do MILs get out of totally picking you apart?

[CheekyMonkey1989]

Does anyone know the answer?

I have a DD6 and I’m 20 weeks pregnant with my second. I’m really struggling mentally with this pregnancy due to being diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes at 12 weeks and a few other complications. Despite my MIL knowing all this she is still picking me apart at every opportunity she can.

Usually I can ignore her, but recently she is reducing me to tears after seeing her.

please say I’m not alone

It depends if picking you apart is giving out or trying to be helpful by constantly telling you what she did/ what might help. I’m in my 40s now and people are going to say this is ageist but tbh I’ve found as I’ve gotten older I comment and add my opinion more than I used to. I’m honestly just trying to help and stop people getting as crocked as I am!! (Not a mil!). Or she might just be a cranky person!!

It depends if picking you apart is giving out or trying to be helpful by constantly telling you what she did/ what might help. I’m in my 40s now and people are going to say this is ageist but tbh I’ve found as I’ve gotten older I comment and add my opinion more than I used to. I’m honestly just trying to help and stop people getting as crocked as I am!! (Not a mil!). Or she might just be a cranky person!!

Honestly just reduce contact. Who even cares why she's doing it? It's clearly not doing you any good so why spend time with her? Does your DH tell her to stop?

Is it because the comments are from your MIL that they are particularly triggering? If your Mum said the same things, how would that make you feel as bad?
It can be a wierd dynamic between us and our in-laws. They are genetically linked so closely to our DC, so can feel entitled to input opinions,and yet you only know them 'second hand' via your DP.

If it was my own mum she would upset me too! She is always so supportive and rarely criticises me.

A perfect example is it’s my DD’s birthday in a couple of weeks and I’ve booked a pizza making party for her and a dozen friends. My MIL just totally picked the party apart. Honestly, if you haven’t got anything nice to say just don’t say it at all.

Just tell her to fuck off. It’s very liberating.

What does dh say about it? Can you get him to have a word? I'd reduce contact if it's affecting your mental health op.

Go low contact, look up ‘grey rocking’ and do that. Don’t give her any information to criticise and stay bland and boring.

Any texts, just start taking longer to reply. I did this by ‘archiving’ our WhatsApp chats so they didn’t pop up in my messaging home screen and stress me out. Any questions from her, just say “you’ll have to ask DH”.

The book ‘Toxic Inlaws’ by Susan Forward is quite helpful in navigating these situations and raising them with your DH.

When she is rude, ask her to repeat herself “can you say that again”? Or just say “Ouch”, “that wasn’t very nice”. Watch her spin in the breeze trying to justify herself, extra points if it’s in front of DH. Once she knows you are onto her hopefully it will either make her wind hee neck in, or if she’s like my MIL it will make her absolutely unhinged enough that my DH went NC 😂

She might not realise she's doing it. I'm in the mother in law position and try very, very hard not to pass any comment but it can be quite hard at times.

I think you must reduce contact to protect yourself. You could drop a message (talk to your partner first) to your mum in law just to say pg hormones must be making you sensitive as you were very upset after her last visit.

You might get an apology. If nothing else, she might reflect on her behaviour - and, even if she doesn't, it's going to make you feel better having thrown all her upset back her way! (Don't go through every comment she made - just say you were left upset and let her figure it out)

As to why it happens - i suppose, even today, mums still have the main role in raising the kids and then us MILs see our grandchildren, see our sons in them, reflect on our own Mothering mistakes and feel an urge to pass on 'helpful' info that might 'correct' our own mistakes in this next generation!!

It all comes from a place of love, really!

What do you mean by 'picking apart'?

Yes mine. Commented on every single thing I did - literally everything. No it wasn’t to be helpful. I suspect she did it because it made her feel better/she was jealous of mine and DHs relationship. She was an unhappy person who seemed to enjoy criticising others generally anyway.

we didn’t live close at all luckily. I don’t actually think she knew she did it, when we had to been to visit she would ask why we didn’t come more often/longer (and no I couldn’t say - it’s because you’re horrible to me). When the comments started with me parenting/directed at DD I just stopped making an effort with her. It was mostly me who organised things so I just stopped.

Can you elaborate on 'picking apart'?

Agree that you either confront it and explain what she's doing is hurtful or else just go low contact. I've done both, see MIL very infrequently and I'm much less stressed than before! She made a dig at me and my parenting at every opportunity

My MIL’s unwanted comments can range anything from how I dress my DD, how I do her hair, my parenting and her weight.

I get lots of compliments from other parents and family members about all of the above and she has no issues with her weight.

Since my DD was born she hasn’t said one positive thing to me.

Lower contact if possible

Practice phrases like "I didn't ask" "can you repeat that?"
"was that comment necessary?"
"Wow, ok"
"why would you say that?"
A long slow look and "are you ok?" Or "riiigghhht"

Hopefully she will get the message

You’re not alone. My MIL does this too, usually when no-one else is around. It’s pathetic of them. I can’t understand why they do this, though. I’m quite envious of people with lovely MILs.

Next time she makes a comment just say 'how lucky it's nothing you have to worry about then' or 'well luckily for you it's not anything you have to get involved in' and ignore from there on out.

Stop seeing her.