Just offloading 😢

[Sleepless1234]

It’s been a few months since I posted about my son. He continues in therapy and has had a couple of appointments with a psychiatrist. He is provisionally diagnosed with BPD but is also waiting for an autism assessment.

He is twenty, not working and spends most of his time in his room. The past few weeks have seen him out and about with friends more as they are back from university which is a good thing.

Unfortunately there are no signs of his behaviour at home improving. We have sat down with him in the past and put our expectations across to him such as maintaining a certain standard of personal hygiene and regularly doing small jobs in the house eg emptying the dishwasher. We encourage him to participate and would be open to compromise if for instance he were to say ‘I don’t think I could do that, but maybe I could do this’. But when we ask for his input he just shrugs his shoulders. He then ignores our expectations and tells us his mental illness prevents him fro doing xyz.

He says he finds talking to us difficult. The only time we see him is at our evening meal. It is like having a stranger at the table.

Today I asked if both my sons could come downstairs to write birthday cards for their sister so I could post them. It was just before 4pm. My older son was dressed but hadn’t showered (and smelt) or had lunch. I asked him why not. He wouldn’t answer. I asked him what he wanted me to do. He said he wanted me to stop judging him.

Once again I’m left feeling that I am in the wrong. I’m tired of walking on eggshells. I know he isn’t well but it begins to feel that he is using his mental health as an excuse to not do the things he doesn’t want to/can’t be bothered to do. AIBU?

Oh - i have been here!! I had this exact same thing with one of my boys. In bed all day, hygiene poor. He went on anti depressants. Nightmare. The thing that changed him was getting a job. I just think he'd lost all confidence. He'd diagnosed himself with social anxiety during lockdown. And seemed to use this as an excuse to do nothing.

I don't know what changed him but i think it was a bit of seed planting in his mind. I helped him get some voluntary work in a charity shop. That just got him back talking to people and he then decided he did not have social anxiety after all.

He just stopped his anti depressants cold turkey (not advised!!) Next thing, he'd applied for a job at Greggs which he got. And he has, so far, gone from strength to strength. Just the routine of getting up and out seemed to be the key.

He does now think he has adhd - and i think he might be right on that one. But he has not taken steps to get assessed as he is just in a good place at the moment.

But - how to get from the bed to voluntary work - that is tricky. My son is in councelling too. I think i had suggested it to my son, and he might have asked his councellor if he was ready. Voluntary work is such a good one for self esteem, skills, meeting people but there's no pressure. Great on a CV too.

I totally get where you are just now though - you don't want to push him into a mental health crisis. I think we started by saying our son had to be out of bed by lunchtime (he was asleep all day, up all night)

Then he started coming on a few dog walks and into cafes (he loves his food!) Once we had him more into a daytime schedule, he tried the voluntary work. It hasn't taken too long actually. He was pretty bad in january this year but i think he was turning around by the Spring.

I think lockdown has a lot to answer for; i bet there are thousands of us who can relate to you.

BPD - Borderline or bi polar?

Put your foot down.
Give him a list of chores that are his weekly jobs, I wouldn't worry about his room/ showering.

Tell him to get a job or an apprenticeship as you want him to start contributing towards his keep. Help him look if he's clueless.

He can also cook for the family once a week.

Tell him he's got a couple of months to sort himself out or he can bugger off.

Sitting in his room all day without socialising, fresh air or exercise is really bad for anyone's mental health. If you can pay for gym membership then do that, it will give him something constructive to focus on.

@Overbearingndn borderline personality. Completely agree with the self isolation not helping and actually making him feel worse. As for giving him notice, at present I just don’t think he is well enough for this. We told him to get a job after college as at the time we didn’t appreciate he was unwell. To be honest we just thought he spent too much time gaming and was lazy when it came to helping around the house. He did get a job but his behaviour became so much worse. Having access to more money also meant he was able to develop a cannabis habit. So, we are wary about pushing him into something he isn’t ready for.

@Anisty Oh my! Yes, so many similarities. We too said we wanted our son up and ready by midday - hence why I challenged him when he still wasn’t ready by four. I also think him having a reason to get up and ready would make a huge difference. When he has an appointment, be it a medical or job centre or friends meeting he is motivated to get up and ready. But if it is a day with nothing happening he has no self motivation to get up.

I have also suggested volunteering for all the reasons you mentioned, particularly the no pressure compared to a job as well as starting with just a few hours if that is all that he can manage. However, he has never willingly done things for nothing. If he was asked to help out when he was younger his first response was always ‘How much will I get?’

After our disagreement yesterday, today my husband messaged our son. Our son replied saying I don’t relate to his mental health and therefore don’t care. This isn’t true but I do feel he is labelling himself, convincing himself he can’t do things when clearly he can. He has never taken responsibility for his actions always blaming someone or something else and now as an adult it is still the case. He is now on quetiapine and says it does help him get to sleep but last time I asked him he wasn’t taking it until midnight or one am!

He also continues to use cannabis. He is participating in a drugs awareness course (I asked him to refer himself). We have also spoken to him about the fact his smoking could be interfering with medication and therapy. He has cut down his use but shows no real will to stop so I have stopped paying for his therapy and have asked him to now pay from his universal credit (he pays nothing for board or lodgings).

It just feels as if he is pushing me away. He also equates challenge with not caring and that is just not true.

You have an answer for every suggestion OP. You're asking for help but not willing to make any changes.

He can't work because he got worse when he had a job and bought weed, but is smoking weed anyway. Who is funding his drug habit?

How does he afford to go out with his friends? Who pays for his phone?

I'd love to live at home, contribute nothing, not lift a finger, have my meals made and laundry washed, have money to buy weed and see my friends. Sounds great. What reason does he have to change?

If you carry on pandering to him, you're going to get the same results.

Has DBT been suggested OP? I have a friend with BPD who was really ill and sectioned last year but is now doing great and about to start at uni after a course of DBT.

@WalkersAntler Yes, his psychiatrist did recommend it and he has had his first assessment. Just waiting for a start date.