Losing my mind in the run-up to my abusive father's death anniversary

[RienNienteNichts]

It's happened every year since he died but this year feels worse than usual.

I feel completely alone and isolated from everyone. There are moments where I feel like I'm not even here / my body isn't real.

It's like something about this time makes me zoom out so I can see all the damage he did, see the utter wasteland that is my brain and it all just feels like too much for me to ever be able to fix.

And I know it's unfair, irrational and unkind but I am so jealous of people grieving non-abusive Dads who they loved, who they miss and wish were still here. I wish I knew what that felt like. I wish this was something I could 'get through', sustained by happy (or at least not awful) memories.

It feels like there is no end to this.

Hello,

You're not alone with this. I was very close to my wonderful sister who passed away, however her death (I was with her at home) left me with PTSD so every time her anniversary comes around instead of just grieving her loss, I am triggered beyond belief by flashbacks of the event and I'm a total wreck for a few weeks before and after the anniversary. It's been 10 years this December and I've never gotten rid of this so I don't have any advice, just wanted to say you're not alone and it can happen to people who also had nice relationships with the person who passed.

Thank you for replying. I am so sorry about your sister 💐

No problem. I would say similarly you could have PTSD from the abuse and the anniversary is triggering that.

Oh, this sounds really tough for you. A lot of pain and unresolved anger I expect.

I am surprised your post has not got more responses as there are a lot of MN'ers who have had truly awful parents (check out "but we took you to stately homes" threads).

I wonder if you need some kind of new ceremony to override this anniversary, create a burning man idea where something that represents him is burnt and you do something nice for your inner child like going to the cinema or a trip out or something. Perhaps focusing on other children and doing something to help them in the memory of your childhood might help.

I hope you can find a way for you to recover and find peace for the rest of your life with him out of it. It's so unfair that even after death you still suffer. You cannot let him reach you in death also.

Thank you so much for this reply @PattyDuckface ❤

I really like the idea of doing something nice for my inner child / doing something to help other children - that's a really lovely idea.