Feeling hopeless that anxiety will ever improve

[Stygimoloch]

I've suffered with anxiety my whole life. I'm now 45, probably perimenopausal and my anxiety feels like a constant low hum, which will occasionally ramp up, but never disappears.

I had a really bad time a couple of years ago and was prescribed sertraline for low mood and anxiety. It worked really well and I felt my anxiety really improved. However, it also made all other emotions disappear too. I didn't feel much about anything; for the 18 months I took it, I didn't cry at all - even at genuinely sad things. I also put on half a stone in weight which doesn't sound like much but really affected me. This all to explain why I stopped taking it under doctor's advice.

I stopped around 3 months ago. I've lost the weight and my emotions have returned and so has the anxiety. I am never present. I am always anxious - most of the time about some nameless thing. It's just always there. I would give anything to feel content and calm but I never, ever do. I am incredibly lucky in many areas of my life and I get so angry at myself but I don't know how to be any different.

Does anyone feel the same? Does anyone have any advice? I feel so sad to think that my choice is to either feel this way for the rest of my life or be medicated so I don't feel anything at all. I mask all of the time. I probably look to others like I'm fine. I hide it from my family. I have wonderful friends but I am intensely private and I suspect they have no idea about how anxious I am the whole time.

I just feel very sad tonight. I almost wish I hadn't taken the sertraline because it has highlighted to me that being anxious, stressed and unhappy is my natural state and it is unlikely that will ever change. And I do desperately do want to change.

Any advice?

Finding the root cause of any mental health issue is always the 'gold standard' of understanding and ultimately dealing with it. Can you remember when and why it started for you?

@Eyesopenwideawake thank you for replying.

As far as I can remember I’ve always been this way. My mom has always had very poor mental health and she had a number of what were then described as mental breakdowns when I was a child. Her anxiety was around her health so my earliest memories are of her asking me to check her hands for lumps as she thought she had cancer. I think being anxious and on edge was just a way of life. My mom’s mental health is still very poor and she’s never really been happy; I’m scared I’m going the same way.

Maybe some kind of therapy is the way. I’ve had CBT but any kind of talking therapy freaks me out. I hate talking to people about personal things.

Sorry to hear this op.

What I would say about your comment re the medication making you realise the anxiety is not normal is that actually you shouldn’t take a medicated state as a barometer of normality. I think a lot of people feel very anxious (and I think modern society with all its complications has lots of aspects that add to that. I think that a simpler life with more extended family support can really ease anxiety.) I note your comments about your mum and guess she is not necessarily a strong support for you? And then being so private probably exacerbates that lack of support from those round you as you tend not to signal a need for it. In that position I’m not sure anxiety is as unusual as you might think. It doesn’t make it not hard, but might help you to realise the medicated state was the “unnatural” one - if that helps?

I think being anxious and on edge was just a way of life. Very understandable, as that's what you saw, heard, learnt and absorbed from the most important person in the early part of your life.

I hear what you're saying about being intensely private. If there was a therapy that could help you without having to go into a deep discussion would that work?

Hey there,
If you have the time please watch this video on Youtube, you can also find it by searching "Georgia Ede PHC".

Georgia Ede is a US psychiatrist working in the field of metabolic/ nutritional psychiatry, and in this talk she goes into the possible links between mental health and diet. It is a really interesting talk and might give you some useful information. At the very least it might help you feel less alone, the number she gives for people in mental distress are worrying.

The PHC is a charity based in the UK whose goal is to save the NHS by promoting and raining awareness about lifestyle interventions that help with non-communicable diseases.
"We are a UK registered charity dedicated to improving public health and saving the NHS money at the same time through sustainable lifestyle changes."
There website is also worth a look: https://phcuk.org/ .

Best of luck and I hope you find something that works for you.

"I think being anxious and on edge was just a way of life. Very understandable, as that's what you saw, heard, learnt and absorbed from the most important person in the early part of your life."

Totally agree with this. Children react to the environment. Fearful kids from alcoholic parents for example.

I'd imagine it's a difficult thought cycle to break after all these years. My best guess from people who have achieved things despite their mental health is to practise. Practice having the mindset you imagine you want. Like a ballet dancer constantly repeats for years until not only can they do all the difficult stretches and moves, the turn out and good posture become innate even when not dancing.

Maybe some kind of therapy is the way. I’ve had CBT but any kind of talking therapy freaks me out. I hate talking to people about personal things.

I would suggest trying therapy, if affordable, would be a good option. The fact you hate talking about personal things is perhaps something that itself needs exploring in therapy!

CBT has a place but it isn't the same as talking therapy. Also it can be delivered in a formulaic way which isn't actually that useful.

Take time to find a therapist who feels right to you, research them, make sure they are appropriately qualified and go to the first session to explain where you are. Have first sessions with about three people and take time to choose. Don't expect to open up immediately, you could start by talking about the anxiety itself while you develop trust to talk about the causes.

In the meantime, what can you do to limit anxiety in your day? The following all help, and can be started independently:

• more exercise
• meditation/breathing/yoga
• time in nature/garden
• healthy eating
• healthy viewing/reading
• reduce/stop caffeine
• reduce/stop alcohol (unless a serious drinker in which case get medical advice first)

Worth speaking to your GP about starting HRT. You don't have to wait until menopause and life is too short to suffer.

Thank you everyone for replying to me. I'm really grateful that people understand and have taken the time to give me advice,

@MrsCratchitstwiceturneddress I did wonder about HRT. I don't have loads of menopausal symptoms and anxiety has been part of my life for so long but I know it can get worse during the menopause. Would a doctor prescribe it at this point? Without lots of symptoms?

@bergamotorange thank you so much for that useful list and advice. I am quite proactive as I am desperate to feel better. I exercise, do yoga, eat well. I'm incredibly boring, some would say uptight. I don't drink any alcohol. Maybe I should start as it seems to relax some people. You are spot on about therapy though - especially exploring why I hate talking about myself and hate others knowing there is anything wrong.

@Eyesopenwideawake therapy without discussion would be great but it seems like for therapy to work, there needs to be deep reflection? I think this scares me. What I really want is a magic tablet that takes away the anxiety but keeps the rest of me intact too! Unfortunately, I don't think it exists!

This is useful - about not taking a medicated state as a barometer of normality. I had never considered it that way before.

There is zero support from my mom, although she would say different. She thinks she loves us all more than any human has ever loved their children/grandchildren. She does an awful lot for us but I do understand that she is the route of many of my issues. She can't help it but at the same time I am resentful of it. I have had to hide any issue I have ever had from her as she cannot cope with any stress at all. Anything negative or stressful that happens is made more so by having to make sure my mom doesn't find out. 'Don't tell your mom' has become a mantra in my family!

"therapy without discussion would be great but it seems like for therapy to work, there needs to be deep reflection? I think this scares me. What I really want is a magic tablet that takes away the anxiety but keeps the rest of me intact too! Unfortunately, I don't think it exists!"

No, there doesn't need to be 'deep reflection'. Your conscious, logical mind knows what you want; to be calm and control and (crucially) in control of your feelings. However your subconscious mind, which predates your ability to think rationally by those all important first 10 years of life, is still working on the strategies it learnt or adopted to keep you safe when you were a child. These are no longer helpful or necessary but your 'inner child' hasn't realised that and is still on the high alert that was the norm for so long.

Please understand that your mind isn't working against you, it's simply in need of an update to reflect who you are now rather than your previous reality. This can be done within three one hour sessions and with no more information than what you've detailed in this thread.

Anxiety is a symptom of perimenopause and menopause. GPs are definitely more aware now that perimenopause can cause havoc in so many different ways and thankfully, the importance and efficiency of HRT as a successful management of these symptoms has been raised enormously in the last few years thanks to the likes of Davina and other high profile figures. You have nothing to lose by suggesting that this is a worthwhile course of action to pursue; you can also insist on a second opinion if your GP seems reluctant. Your surgery should have a menopause specialist.

You really don't need to suffer like this. Anxiety is hideous and a total thief of joy. Whilst learning to change your own thinking (and your response to your own thinking - your thoughts aren't always true!) is definitely useful, no amount of changed thinking can overrule the physiological impact of hormones that are out of balance. It's definitely worth exploring HRT, even if only to rule it out. Good luck!

I can understand and agree she probably is the the root of much of this. However, I’m not sure if you have Dc, but becoming a mother has taught me a lot about people and forgiveness.
I can see so many traits ( both fabulous snd things I have to work on with them) in my Dc that come from me and my DH , and even from uncles or aunts ( even the ones abroad they don’t see much of) and grandparents of mine they never met. Until then I had kind of seen my parents as “ top of the food chain,” almost as if nothing existed before them. But I now see them as I see myself: links in a chain that is inextricably interconnected, albeit each link is separate, endlessly handing down our own genes and experiences. We were all as innocent in this process as our Dc are now. Of course your mum has impacted you and you will have picked up some of her anxiety. But she, like you, got it from somewhere or something in her story, just as you got it from her - and, being so aware of this anxiety. you may manage ( with tremendous focus and effort) not to pass that on to your Dc, but there will be other things you do unwittingly hand on. Your mum was a vulnerable child before you were, and your Dc will be after you. We can love like crazy but we are human. I think seeing my parents in that light has helped me understand many things- and I’m actually very grateful for how great they really were. If we can see the child in the parent and the parent in the child, and realise we are all both, I think we can be gentler and more accepting of our own shortcomings and those of others. You will get so much right with your Dc, however we also don’t get it perfect because we are human. But if we can go to bed every night knowing we have let them know we love them, we’ve done that and that matters enormously - and I think your mum did that for you by the sound of it.