Getting over anxiety of solo traveling

[HappyKite2067]

I have huge anxiety when traveling on my own for work. I hate it. I’m anxious leading up to it and anxious during it, and it makes me poorly when i get home.

I don’t think it’s particularly irrational, which is what makes rationalizing it more difficult. As a lone female, I hate staying in hotels on my own. I don’t even like staying at home overnight on my own.

I never let the fear stop me, as I don’t want to let being female get in the way of my career, but I want to enjoy my trips.

I’d even like to be able to enjoy a night at home alone! I do a lot of risk assessing in my job, and I think being alert all the time has contributed to my fear!

Any tips on not getting so stressed when staying alone/lone female traveling? I’ve got a travel lock I use for the door. And I keep a tv on low volume to drown out noises I might overreact to. However, whenever I’m just drifting off, my body jolts me awake in panic.

I would have some CBT to challenge your fears - if you could just snap out of it, you would.

I’ve been travelling on my own all over the shop for 30 years, I never worry because I am not a worrier about stuff like that, but you are and you need a bit of help to reframe your thoughts. It Is, as I am sure you know, very unlikely anything will happen to you in a 3 or 4 star hotel.

Well it might not be totally irrational, if you didn't take reasonable precautions.

But the base of it IS irrational because as you say, you don't even like staying at home overnight on your own. So I would start by working on that.

Women who aren't involved in organised crime and don't have partners or ex-partners who are crazy aren't busy getting murdered in their beds at night.

Lock the doors, sure. But actually, I'm terribly disorganised and regularly forget to lock my doors and still nothing has happened to me. And one of my house windows opens over a flat roof and is left open all night in the summer and again nothing has ever happened. That's not to say it certainly won't, no one can guarantee that, but it might contextualise how low the risk is.

I think until you've got used to the idea that you can sleep somewhere you know well on your own safely, it may be harder to get over the staying away issue but I think you probably do need to CBT yourself out of this a bit.

So that means examining what logical fallacies you're using:

Are you catastrophising (probably?), maybe you're using black and white thinking (all or nothing), or over generalising, or focussing only on the negatives, or whatever.

So you think about what you think when you're freaking out and then you identify it "oh, I am thinking X. That is catastrophising because the likelihood of me being randomly murdered is almost nothing. A more helpful thought might be 'aren't I lucky to have a safe room in a locked house where I can have a peaceful night's sleep. I won't be disturbed at all tonight and that will mean I can sleep really well'". You don't have to Believe the latter thought, you just have to Think it.

No practical advice here but I hear you. When I was younger, I didn't think twice about traveling but as I aged, due to normal circumstances, I didn't travel alone for a few decades (DH, DCs) and even a short train journey to another city can now be stressful: is it the right day? is it the right train? will I arrive at the right station? Terrifying.

My stress is about logistics but I understand how you could be worried about other aspects of traveling. My mother, like you, was v. worried that she'd be identified as a lone woman in a hotel and targeted.

Yes maybe that would help! I used to be fine when I was younger but I think it’s when I stepped into being an adult woman and had to shoulder the worry in a lot of circumstances? I then consider all the worst case scenarios.

I think if I could find some statistics around the risk that may help 😂 and of course you only hear the horror stories! I’m definitely overreacting and I’ve had enough of it!

This is exactly how I feel! I was fine when I was younger, I even traveled abroad alone to meet friends and would often stay in a hotel alone for a night before catching up with them. It’s since I’ve become an adult, I have to consider the risks at home and in my job, and it’s like I am constantly switched on to risk and fear. I think I used to just assume places were safe, and trust staff. Then when I’ve become more of an adult I realise (rightly or wrongly) that there are bad people, and not everyone has others best interests at heart. It ties in with my job as well.

I have been living alone for 12 years.
I have anxiety.
I'm sorry, it sounds rough.
I have taken UK journeys alone, by plane and train to unfamiliar places out of necessity, and this year included a stop over for pleasure for the first time.
I'm working up to going abroad on my own.
If you are already doing this then I salute you 🫡 OP.
I will be asking for safety advice when I'm ready and hopefully you can offer words of wisdom.

But do you actually think statistics will help, or do you think you're using the lack of statistics as a way of making your anxiety more legitimate? Because what % would make it an acceptable risk for you, and what do you think the difference in risk is in comparison to if you have company? It's pretty unlikely anyone will have collected those statistics - e.g. ONS have stats on rape and sexual assault but they don't go into the details you'd need for them to be helpful in risk assessing any of these cases.

I have been travelling alone since I was a teenager, on and off I just did it, and no I don't get this obsession of women have to have chaperone as they can't be let loose alone

Thank you! It sounds as though you are not letting your anxiety stop you either which is fantastic- but it isn’t easy is it? And then it makes the experience less pleasant! I feel as though I would struggle to live alone but of course so many women do it! Happy to share any traveling tips!

Maybe not! I think it’s a bout reframing it definitely. I got better when I started to enjoy being alone in the evening and doing all the things I wouldn’t do if my DH was in. Watching certain films, eating certain foods, getting work done but then it’s the going to sleep. I think I have a ‘lack of control’ thing going on. When I’m asleep I won’t hear if someone breaks in?

That’s amazing! I definitely don’t think women need a chaperone. Although I’ve been to parts of the world where I was thankful for a male to be there. I don’t even think I need a male, I just sleep so much better with someone else in the room, man or woman!

Mainly, you might have to grit your teeth. I enjoy traveling so I'll be bracing myself. I've just come back from a long holiday in the US. As I mentioned, my stress is about logistics. When I traveled with my husband, because there were two of us, it made it more real. Being the lead adult with my teens was v. normal b/c I have taken them on so many small trips to swimming and shopping and so forth, so I tried not to think about the larger picture.
I try to remember that most people are so far up in their own heads that they hardly notice anyone else. So they won't be thinking about me at all.

@Edingril It's not about having a chaperone, I don't need a minder, bodyguard or intermediary. It's about anxiety. Although completely real, it can seem irrational to others. It's about worrying that your travel arrangements are a figment of your imagination. When I traveled with my husband, because two of us knew about the flights and hotels and hire cars, it made it more real. It's about worrying that horrible people will realise that you are alone and thus easier to attack. Realistically, there are not that many horrible people in the world. The 99% majority are just doing their jobs and focused on going home, taking off their shoes and eating pizza.
Without wanting to diminish it, there is an irrational aspect to it.

I have been gritting my teeth, but I’d love to just relax and enjoy it. It ruins the great experiences I could have if that makes sense. You’d think the more I do it, the easier it gets but it’s the opposite, it just consolidates how much I hate lone traveling!

it’s better to be told it’s irrational, I think it also stems from my mother who would always stress when I went anywhere or did anything alone. If I was walking home in the dark (even at 5pm) she would flip out at me. It didn’t impact me when I was younger, maybe as a rebellious thing, but maybe it’s caught up to me as an adult.