Not sure where to start.
But the gist of it is I’m finding life so hard. At 50, I feel I have failed at being a functioning adult.
I worry constantly about money to the point I feel sick every day and - like tonight - can’t sleep. Our mortgage is enormous and we can barely afford the bills. We are just drowning financially and the stress is now overwhelming.
My upbringing was possibly emotionally abusive - I felt very sad, not worth much and very alone for many many years. My sibling died during childhood which was devastating. I had a breakdown in my mid-teens (which was ignored), was homeless a couple of times after university (my parents lived away so never knew), became an alcoholic and had a failed suicide attempt in my twenties (that I have always kept secret).
Getting married and having children probably saved me from a very dark path.
Outwardly I am confident, capable and very sociable. I run a business, do a lot of charity work and am the ‘go to’ person when people need help. But behind closed doors I am a mess. I haven’t told my DH how depressed I really am because he will want to help but I don’t know how he can.
So I am now having suicidal thoughts again. Please tell me I’m not alone in finding life hard. I know I must (and will) keep going for the sake of the children - who of course I love more than anything on earth - but I can’t see a time when I’ll not be worried all the time about our finances and generally feel like a crap person. It’s exhausting.
Don’t know what to do! Will things ever get better? Or is this just … life? Perhaps I’m being self indulgent and need to toughen up.