For context, I am mum to an amazing 2-year-old little girl, and I have been staying at home with her/taking a prolonged career break for the entirety of her life.
I am set to start a new job part-time next month, and I am excited as I will still be able to spend loads of time with her.
I have had the best time ever these past two years, but they haven’t been that easy by any means: nearly died in labour following a horrible pregnancy, where I wasn’t taken seriously for my symptoms, developed quite severe PPA and PP-OCD as well (have had OCD my entire life, it’s just that combined with PPA it became nearly unmanageable, whereas normally I have quite a good grip on it), stressful times all around, but overall still incredibly happy with my DD (and life in general).
A couple of weeks ago it feels like I just woke up in a different world. I am no stranger unfortunately to mental health ailments but have never had depression, not even at my lowest post-partum, so I don’t know if this is it. It feels like I woke up one day and initially, everything was just…dulled. Almost like hearing things in a muffled way or being underwater, but with regards to my feelings; if that makes sense. Still feel like I love my daughter so much I could explode, but it’s almost like there’s a depth to my feelings and happiness around her I just can’t reach anymore. It’s just all a bit more surface level, shallow and dulled. This was the initial symptom, and then I noticed I started caring less about other things too. Normally, I try and keep the house relatively tidy, as I don’t do well with things around the house spread out etc, but I let it go for nearly two weeks, not sure I picked anything up. Normally I can’t relax unless I tidied up the living room before bed, but I have left it in a mess until my DH sorted it, and wasn’t even bothered by it.
Then, I started randomly bursting into crying a couple times a day, and most recently, I have started having some dark, uncharitable, angry and mean thoughts about my DH. I feel like raging at him on the inside for no major reason. What would have been little annoyances, now make me feel such intense feelings of dislike towards him. I would have without a second’s doubt described him as the love of my life, I love him most in the world after my daughter and while the past two years have been no easy feat for us, there’s been nothing to bring on this sudden anger towards him. I am ashamed of myself. I have managed not to externalise it but even just feeling it is making me sad and question my grip on reality. Sometimes the entire world feels like a dream, like not really real. It all feels like an illusion of some sort.
In two years of sleeplessness I have not meaningfully lost it with my DD ever, but I am becoming irritable, snappy, impatient with my DD, and this has been the worst of all as it’s the opposite of how I feel towards her. But it’s like I can’t reach into me to be patient and kind when she is testing me, and she is also picking up on my feelings for sure, as we have spent so much time together, so I am sure her feeling my emotions is not helping her tantrums either. I feel so horrible and guilty.
She is going to stay for a couple of nights with my in-laws next month, and I found myself thinking it will be better for her to be without me in that time, something I have never thought before.
I just feel like I am sleepwalking at the moment through a weird dream. Sorry for the long post just needed to get off my chest, not sure if it makes sense. I am also still breastfeeding if that makes any difference.
I don’t know if the stress of adjusting to a working parent life is getting to me, or if this is what depression feels like, but I have never felt like this and it feels scary, like the whole world is closing in on me. It also seems to have happened quite literally overnight: I was happy and feeling fine and then woke up one morning like this, and it’s been this way for half a month or so now. Woud appreciate any thoughts.