Don't know where to start really but as the thread title says I am struggling with grief and anxiety. In the past four years I have had seven bereavements in my family, some were older and struggling with poor health so while not unexpected still sad, those bereavements included two of my sisters. Two months ago my other sister was taken into hospital, she has cancer, it is aggressive, she was told today there are no more options for her, just pain management. It is expected she won't have many weeks left. I feel crushed, I just don't have the emotional energy to do this again, to be at a bedside saying goodbye to another family member, to hold it together for a funeral, to try to support her adult kids in whatever they need.
I have been in trauma therapy for the past two years due to childhood sexual abuse by a family member, extended family knew what this man was doing to kids and never intervened to report or stop him, my sister was an adult when this was going on and made sure he never had access to her kids, but didn't do anything to help protect me (I am adopted and there is a large age gap, my adoptive parents died when I was still in primary school, I am close in age to sisters children) I feel torn in half, part of me devastated that she is dying, part of me devastated that she never helped me as a kid, all of me broken as I am still dealing with what this man did to me thirty years on, he started abusing me at age 4, I never had any type of childhood and just feel broken. Inside I am still that 4 year old hoping someone will help it stop and I am just frozen in place, unable to move. How do I do this again, where do I get the strength to survive the next few weeks?