Instagram unfollower obsession is ruining my life, what do I do

[StrugglingThru]

So, I realise to some this may be very trivial, but I am a highly-sensitive and anxious person, a recovering alcoholic, and have been on/off antidepressants for many years. I am aware these are daft concerns. This is exactly why I need help with this obsession. Apologies for length. Bear with me.

I'm 25. Been on Instagram since I was 13; literally half of my life has been online, and I think it's genuinely altered my brain chemistry lol. I've garnered 5K followers, and I follow about 1K (90% are people I know in real life). I used to love Insta, and admittedly enjoyed the initial attention of it. I was super young, I posted the odd mildly-risque pic here and there as an 18-22 year old, and I enjoyed the rush of validation of getting lots of likes. At one point I had a bit of an 'alternative' look too. Seeing as I always had self-esteem issues in school, and felt ugly and unwanted in real life, it felt like Insta really boosted my confidence. Cringey, but I felt like a "cool girl" with this Insta presence, I guess.

Now I'm an adult, I'm a lot more sensible with what I share and I'm much more er, wholesome. I cringe at what I used to put out there just because it doesn't feel like me in any way. I have no desire to share anything that I used to. I only like posting pics of my travelling and loved ones, and my creative work. I don't even post selfies, let alone body-confident ones, and my whole look is extremely toned down compared to what it was. I was also super skinny then (the alcohol's impact, I'd imagine) so I look a fair bit different now. I noticed that in the past 3 years or so of this transition, I lost hundreds of followers, a fair few of them friends, colleagues or acquaintances in real life. Once or twice even people I'd considered to be really good mates have unfollowed, and they sent me into spirals for weeks on end. It's not about wanting more followers or anything daft like that. It's about feeling unliked.

I've always had this desperate desire to be liked. If I get unfollowed by anyone that I know in real life, even if we haven't seen each other in years, I take it intensely personally. It makes me think that everyone hates me and I should leave everyone alone for good. I truly do drive myself up the wall with this follower obsession, and manually check on people's profiles to see whether they follow me still. Multiple times a day, sometimes. Like, waiting for people to unfollow me and upset me. It's like seeking things out just to ruin my own day. I pick at myself and try and come up for reasons for what I've done to make people "hate" me. I wonder which post was the "last straw" for them. I'll consider if it's because I don't post what I used to, or if it's because I post too much, or if it's because I'm "fat" now (I'm literally a healthy weight lol, but my brain attacks me in this internalised fatphobic way). I often feel like a very annoying person as it is, and this ties in with the Insta thing - I'm very talkative and crack a lot of jokes, and many people understandably consider those traits to be jarring. I hate my personality sometimes, I feel "too much" in every respect, and I wish so much that I could change my personality to be more "likeable"...even though I have lots of friends who love me just the way I am. I know it's irrational, but I tend to focus on those who may not like me instead of the people who do. I feel too annoying to post anything because I'm scared. Every time I post, I know I'll lose lots of followers, and that will trigger my self-hatred cycle all over again. I don't think I can hack the attention element of it all tbh. I regularly delete all of my social media for a few months then remake it when I feel better, just to "give everyone a break from me" (again, ignoring the people who follow me of their own volition lol).

I know this obsession isn't normal, of course I do. But - what should I do here?
I know the obvious would be to delete Instagram for good, but I really do like the "digital diary" aspect of it, and I love seeing my friends' posts and stuff. I also feel I'm of a generation that unfortunately requires at least one form of social media to stay connected/on friends' radars, really. I just want to be normal about Instagram, take it for what it is (pointless!) and not care when people unfollow me. Or check, for that matter. I want to not feel embarrassed and scared to see people who have unfollowed me in real life, and just brush it off and not take it to heart. To be honest, I just want to find insta fun again like everyone else does, and idk how to. So. I ask Mumsnet:

How do I stop obsessing over unfollowers/taking it personally?
Why can't I just understand that if someone unfollows me it doesn't always mean they think I"m horrible/that they hate me?
How do I build a healthy relationship with Instagram?

Any tips would be appreciated. Thankyou for reading this. I know it's super long, so I really appreciate you taking the time.

What about starting a completely new account that reflects who you are now? Slowly add back followers who appreciate you for who you are now. I imagine bleeding followers constantly as you evolve is not great for your morale so why put yourself through that?

I used to post stupid shite on there for likes. Because I enjoyed the dopamine hit. I felt I could never get off it, how would I stay in touch? It turns out, you don't need to "stay in touch" with 85% of the people you're connected to. In fact not viewing the vast majority of people's private family moments that are mostly staged is a very healthy way to live.

I am more present, more confident, less exposed, less envious and frustrated. I see the world the way it actually is instead of a faked version.

I should also stress that I live overseas so that is even more of a reason why I used to keep social media. I keep in touch mostly by WhatsApp. People send me pics, messages and updates, and I them. People actually have to make an effort and I with them, instead of blasting out personal news and expecting everyone to see it. It is far more authentic and genuine and means my relationships have been strengthened. I am struggling to recall anyone I have lost touch with that is a good friend/family member.

@yasminandtheredrose Thankyou so much for commenting here - sometimes it feels like I'm the only person ever who worries about this.

Congratulations on your recovery journey, god knows I know how hard it can be, particularly with self esteem issues. Also congratulations on deleting your accounts - it actually feels like a very real, very powerful addiction that I'm not sure I can ever fully break. Do you post anything on your faux-Insta? Or is it merely for observing?

@Sleepydoor Starting a completely new account that reflects me now definitely sounds like a good idea, just for my general wellbeing. Maybe, in truth, there's this element of me though that enjoys having the image of 5K followers because it perpetuates an image of popularity/being liked. It's shallow and superficial to admit, but it's likely true.

If I were to do this, would I quite literally just follow my real-life friends? I like the idea of this, though again, as I've had real-life friends unfollow me in the past, the devastation of that happening on a tiny new account would be magnified ten-fold I feel.

Instagram algorithm is so brutal now that if you want any chance of seeing someone’s stuff you have to unfollow everyone you’re not dieing to see.

It’s not personal. It’s they aren’t seeing their best friends engagement nor their nans 80th posts so if you pop up first (which you will on occasion) they will be deleting yours.

Insta really needs to sort it out. I don’t know why out of all the algorithms theirs is the most fucked up. We don’t want to see adverts and random posts! We want to see who follow!

@rubeelum "I used to post stupid shite on there for likes. Because I enjoyed the dopamine hit. I felt I could never get off it" - this, 10000% this.

I'm so pleased for you, this sounds like an mazing way to live. I feel like the way you are viewing the world is far more enlightened than the way I currently do, and I envy that.

It has also reassured me massively that you feel you've not lost touch with anyone close. This really is a huge fear for me.

@Inlaw You're so right about the Instagram algorithm - I likely should have mentioned earlier, but I work in a job sort of related to social media, so maybe there's an element of me being fatigued by it and its poor algo also beyond my self-image.

Thankyou so much though for verifying that it’s not personal, as I really do convince myself it is 95% of the time. I really do get in my head about it to a ridiculous degree...

Well then you know!

I have a really tight private personal account. Think c. 80-90 people. All of whom absolutely want to see the rare updates of my son’s antics.

It shows the posts to around 10 people if I’m lucky. When I see these people in real life as I do regularly; even on the phone to my mum or sister and I say did you see xyz. And they will be like what noo! Go look and they are annoyed it’s not showed them - even when subscribed to the notify posts option. And my sis is on there 24/7 practically.

Just try to view it as a diary record. Something for you to look back on for yourself. If someone wants to know in RL you can tell them and say you put some pics up. Don’t expect people to see it.

I was a bit worried what I said would come across too harshly - you know what text is like!

Yes therapy could be a good next step. There really is life away from these social platforms, after awhile you realise it's not what real life is about. I used to be on a game site that had forums as well, pretty much all the time. Then various things went wrong and I ended up leaving and it left a huge hole in my life, a 'what do I fill this void with' type of hole. I know now never to put such a huge emphasis on something so that it consumes my lfe in that way. Took awhile to recover and now I have many interests, if any one or two of them go sideways, they won't leave much of a gap and I will just do other things instead. That sort of narrow focus really isn't healthy.

I wish you well, OP. One day you will look back on this phase of your life with a very different perspective. :)

@StrugglingThru Have you ever thought about how your need to be liked is in some ways a need to control others? I have tried to reframe what I thought was a need to please as really a need to control what others think of me. Do you want approval from people you don't really like or maybe even know? At the end of the day, you can't control what others think of you. Letting go of that can be very freeing. Reducing or eliminating SM can cause FOMO but it also quiets a lot of mental noise.

I once went through a difficult time with my mh and found sm didn't help . I started seeing all these happy pictures and felt so miserable. I came off sm for a while when I went back on I totally changed how I use it-

Facebook - just actual close friends and family so can share photos/updates and access groups. I have muted a few people who trigger me but would be offended if I unfriended them.

Snap chat- just my dds and nieces as a means of communication/seeing what they are up to

Instagram- This was the worst. I stopped following friends, I just follow celebs and content I'm interested and I no longer post.

Twitter- deactivated account

I'm older than you so may make a difference but not having this constant pressure to post/be liked/like others made it so much easier. I also accessed CBT and hypnotherapy for mh.

You can give up alcohol (massive congratulations by the way - that's brilliant!) so you can give up Insta too.
You sound extremely bright and self aware.
You''re worth so much more than you seem to think.
So - delete Instagram.
If universally must, then do what another person has suggested it get a new account (for 'social contact purposes') but never post on it.
I wouldn't though - just delete, 'cold turkey', then relax and enjoy.
You can do it.
Good Luck.
Stay clean and sober.
You sound brilliant! 😘😘

I've always had this desperate desire to be liked.

Finding the root of this insecurity is the answer to your issue.

Being accepted and liked by others is a very common desire among human beings. It comes from a base instinct to find safety in numbers. If we build our tribe, we leave ourselves less vulnerable to attack. However, much of this thinking is grounded in childhood experiences.

We start out in life needing others to care for us and keep us alive. It’s important that our parents love us for this reason. Then we enter a school environment and start to learn about social interaction. We very quickly realise it’s the popular ones who are safe and those who are isolated are vulnerable to attack, so social acceptance becomes our top priority. School becomes a microcosm and acceptance within the limited numbers of this environment is our only strategy for happiness. When we then leave that environment for the real world, we will often find that our subconscious still prioritises being accepted by others.

However, as an adult - whilst there’s no doubt it’s nicer to be liked than disliked - the idea of fitting in with the crowd being an effective strategy for happiness is no longer so clear-cut. If we want to advance and be the person who gets the job, wins the promotion, lands the big client or gets the date, we will need to, in some way, stand out and accept that this may make us unpopular but it's no longer a 'dangerous' position to be in.

HTH.

You have a lovely thoughtful nature. I recently deleted my insta and feel free. Been reading more books (went to the library) and generally feeling better.

How about starting to follow fellow creatives for inspiration, and devoting your insta to that. You'll start coming up as a recommended follow for similar people, and your increasing creative followers will offset your unfollowers (who were more interested in the stuff you posted years ago). I have an insta account solely for my artwork. I follow and am followed by the artist people I know in real life and loads of others from all over the world. Just stop keeping track of who's unfollowing you, and focus on your new direction. And accept that some of your followers might have been men who liked your more risqué photos, so a drop in followers may be natural. That's better than continuing to flaunt yourself for followers - that would be pretty sad. So come on, don't worry about insta. Imagine if you had a breakdown and had to say it was about insta! And in case you're interested - I don't know if this is a lot or not many, but as an artist I've got 920 followers. I follow 730. I can't think who many of them are... Need to have a cull...