Instagram unfollower obsession is ruining my life, what do I do

[StrugglingThru]

So, I realise to some this may be very trivial, but I am a highly-sensitive and anxious person, a recovering alcoholic, and have been on/off antidepressants for many years. I am aware these are daft concerns. This is exactly why I need help with this obsession. Apologies for length. Bear with me.

I'm 25. Been on Instagram since I was 13; literally half of my life has been online, and I think it's genuinely altered my brain chemistry lol. I've garnered 5K followers, and I follow about 1K (90% are people I know in real life). I used to love Insta, and admittedly enjoyed the initial attention of it. I was super young, I posted the odd mildly-risque pic here and there as an 18-22 year old, and I enjoyed the rush of validation of getting lots of likes. At one point I had a bit of an 'alternative' look too. Seeing as I always had self-esteem issues in school, and felt ugly and unwanted in real life, it felt like Insta really boosted my confidence. Cringey, but I felt like a "cool girl" with this Insta presence, I guess.

Now I'm an adult, I'm a lot more sensible with what I share and I'm much more er, wholesome. I cringe at what I used to put out there just because it doesn't feel like me in any way. I have no desire to share anything that I used to. I only like posting pics of my travelling and loved ones, and my creative work. I don't even post selfies, let alone body-confident ones, and my whole look is extremely toned down compared to what it was. I was also super skinny then (the alcohol's impact, I'd imagine) so I look a fair bit different now. I noticed that in the past 3 years or so of this transition, I lost hundreds of followers, a fair few of them friends, colleagues or acquaintances in real life. Once or twice even people I'd considered to be really good mates have unfollowed, and they sent me into spirals for weeks on end. It's not about wanting more followers or anything daft like that. It's about feeling unliked.

I've always had this desperate desire to be liked. If I get unfollowed by anyone that I know in real life, even if we haven't seen each other in years, I take it intensely personally. It makes me think that everyone hates me and I should leave everyone alone for good. I truly do drive myself up the wall with this follower obsession, and manually check on people's profiles to see whether they follow me still. Multiple times a day, sometimes. Like, waiting for people to unfollow me and upset me. It's like seeking things out just to ruin my own day. I pick at myself and try and come up for reasons for what I've done to make people "hate" me. I wonder which post was the "last straw" for them. I'll consider if it's because I don't post what I used to, or if it's because I post too much, or if it's because I'm "fat" now (I'm literally a healthy weight lol, but my brain attacks me in this internalised fatphobic way). I often feel like a very annoying person as it is, and this ties in with the Insta thing - I'm very talkative and crack a lot of jokes, and many people understandably consider those traits to be jarring. I hate my personality sometimes, I feel "too much" in every respect, and I wish so much that I could change my personality to be more "likeable"...even though I have lots of friends who love me just the way I am. I know it's irrational, but I tend to focus on those who may not like me instead of the people who do. I feel too annoying to post anything because I'm scared. Every time I post, I know I'll lose lots of followers, and that will trigger my self-hatred cycle all over again. I don't think I can hack the attention element of it all tbh. I regularly delete all of my social media for a few months then remake it when I feel better, just to "give everyone a break from me" (again, ignoring the people who follow me of their own volition lol).

I know this obsession isn't normal, of course I do. But - what should I do here?
I know the obvious would be to delete Instagram for good, but I really do like the "digital diary" aspect of it, and I love seeing my friends' posts and stuff. I also feel I'm of a generation that unfortunately requires at least one form of social media to stay connected/on friends' radars, really. I just want to be normal about Instagram, take it for what it is (pointless!) and not care when people unfollow me. Or check, for that matter. I want to not feel embarrassed and scared to see people who have unfollowed me in real life, and just brush it off and not take it to heart. To be honest, I just want to find insta fun again like everyone else does, and idk how to. So. I ask Mumsnet:

How do I stop obsessing over unfollowers/taking it personally?
Why can't I just understand that if someone unfollows me it doesn't always mean they think I"m horrible/that they hate me?
How do I build a healthy relationship with Instagram?

Any tips would be appreciated. Thankyou for reading this. I know it's super long, so I really appreciate you taking the time.

*Further context, wanted to add:

"At one point I had a bit of an 'alternative' look too"
(I was trying to express here that I think people followed me specifically for this look I no longer have, which adds an extra layer of insecurity).

Do you feel rejection in real life? I wonder if it's rejection sensitivity at play?

It's clear you have a really good insight into your thought processes around this. If your friends have unfollowed you can you ask them why? I think people can unfollow others for multiple reasons and most of the time it isn't personal - maybe they have deleted their own accounts, maybe the things you post aren't interesting to them anymore, maybe they are jealous of the things you are posting and seeing them makes them feel bad.

Ultimately (and I think you know this) the number of followers you have on Instagram does not reflect on who you are as a person, nor does a certain number of instagram followers create the meaningful relationships that I think would probably help you move past this. Have you had any therapy?

I was going to say delete it but I see you don’t want to. It’s damaging your mental health though?
Funny thing is that opposite to you, I sometimes feel unlikeable because im
not very chatty, we all have our insecurities but it seems like yours are taking over right now. Perhaps delete it for a while and see how it goes?

Delete Instagram it's really not important

I realise this is simplifying things but I do think it is that simple. Delete instagram. I deleted social media like that and FB and it has honestly transformed my life so much.

Any time I mention this to friends they say oh no it's my digital way of keeping track and keeping in touch. That's a load of nonsense. It is perfectly possible to keep in touch with people and keep track of your own diary.

Delete it.

if you like seeing your friends’ posts, then get a new account which you don’t post with ever.

it’s hurting you so get rid of it.

it’s better to have a small kind family and a couple of loyal friends than 5000 insta followers, who are largely meaningless randos.

It's not trivial, it's a real thing that people are going through in this day & age of SM. I'm 30 so a little older than you but I have been on Instagram since I was in college. I too have a desire to be 'liked' online & offline.

I never got obsessed with who unfollowed me, but I did find myself wanting a goal with how many likes I got on my posts at one point.

I grew tired of Instagram a few years ago because I felt that it was becoming too superficial and not very social anymore.

I kept my page but stopped posting and watching stories. I actually deactivated it for a year and that was bliss. I focussed more on tiktok which was more enjoyable and lighthearted for me.

Also, to add sometimes people unfollow eachother by accident. One of my best friends unfollowed me at one point and I asked her about it. She said she didn't realise it must've been a mistake.

In addition to that, some people may be unfollowing you to protect their own mental health. There was a point that I had to unfollow a girl I knew because I was going through a breakup and she had the perfect life and marriage. It wasn't personal to her but I wanted to create a feed that made me feel good. Who knows, your life could be triggering to others that may be envious?

But definitely don't focus on who follows you! x

Oh yeah, you can create a Finsta with only like 10 friends so you can still focus on the social aspect of it

Your Q is : Instagram unfollower obsession is ruining my life, what do I do

As per PPs, what you do is to leave Instagram.

Same as if you said alcohol/drugs was ruining your life, and asked what do you do...

We live in a fast paced world people move on faster than you can imagine, one minute they might like your content the next they will find someone else who they might like better.. it happens I unfollow ppl if it no longer appeals to me. Check on your posts what kind of content gets more likes and then aim to post them type more. Remember who ever you lose could be a good thing as you will gain better followers then them...be consistent, engage more with the people and be patient...

Honestly OP, in the kindest possible way, delete your Insta account.

How do I build a healthy relationship with Instagram?
You don't - it's not a person! When you start asking that sort of question it's time to pull right back from it, it's not something you 'need'. Right now you are in an extremely negative cycle, the only real way you will get out of it is to leave Insta and put more effort into your real life friends and interests.

If you weren’t on instagram what would you be doing? There’s good advice here to delete it, but there’s no point if you replace it with something similar. Find something that is healthy and do that?

Just reading through all of these amazing responses - I know all of you are so right, and so bang on the money. I think I know in my heart of hearts, as many of you say, what the right thing to do is. I just needed to have it validated. Even now I know the best thing to do is delete it for good, but there's this weird toxic thread holding me to it still...I guess the better question is, how do I quit it.

@Apileofballyhoo I think you're spot on, tbh. It feels intensely personal and like it's an indictment on my character and personality every time I lose a follower, particularly if I liked them, I'll be honest. This lines up with that rejection feeling I struggle with...

@toolittletimeagain Thankyou. I probably dwell on it too much, which should be telling of what I need to be doing (deleting it) - and yet I still can't shake the feeling sometimes that it would be a mistake to do so. Maybe it's because I've known friends in the past become entirely disconnected online, lose contact and fall out of the fray of being invited to things as it were. I guess that scares me even more than being disliked, being "forgotten".

In answer to your first question, "if your friends have unfollowed you can you ask them why" - yes, I absolutely could. However, my fear of rejection and them telling me they simply don't like/care about me anymore holds me back from this. In the past I've removed people back, and even gone as far as blocking them for my own self-preservation (I was obsessively checking their social media and mine, scanning for anything I may have done).

In answer to the second, I had therapy for years on and off. I'm one year off my antidepressants because I really thought I was doing better, but the past few months have shown me that actually, I'm not, and I need therapy/likely medication again. I suffer quite badly with compulsive and/or intrusive thoughts, and I think Instagram is just the biggest one at the moment.

Thankyou for being so gentle in your tone, I was nervous to ask for help with this, and you really reassured me.

@onemorerose "I was going to say delete it but I see you don’t want to. It’s damaging your mental health though?" - you're absolutely right to point this out, and I agree, it's counterintuitive. I think it's almost a self-destructive thing for me. I know it's bad for me and yet I can't help but keep going back to it. I suppose it's like any addiction really - damn hard to kick.

Also, I promise you, being reserved is an excellent and admirable thing to be. You're right though, we all have our insecurities.

I've deactivated it for now, but I'm going to start thinking about how to really action a proper deletion. Thankyou so much for your response.

@SnowFrogJelly It's probably pointing towards that being the best thing to do.

@rubeelum I'm very happy for you that it's transformed your life - do you mind me asking, how so? Do you feel more present? More confident?

Also, out of interest, how do you keep in contact with people? Just texting? Or do you use Facebook messenger?

@Hisapsy

Getting a new account I don't post on sounds like a good call, but knowing me I'd cave and end up posting on it, and then the cycle would start again. Deleting it cold turkey is likely best.

I think sometimes having the 5000 insta followers is what builds this strange faux-importance and expectation for me. It's what worries me. I think having "catered" to these strangers in away for so many years has deeply affected me in a bad way.

I was exactly the same as you OP in fact I could have written your post word for word. I too am a recovering alcoholic with very low self esteem.
I ended up deleting my facebook and instagram over three years ago. I've never gone back to Facebook, but now I do have an instagram under a fake name and have never posted anything. I only follow the pages that interest me and it's honestly so much better x

@ExpectantEs Thankyou so much for your response - I've had lots of insightful ones, but yours seemed to really strike a chord with me.

Thank you for validating me in the fact that actually, it's not trivial, it's a real concern and I'm not the only one in the world that has it. I'm sorry you've suffered with this too, but it definitely made me feel less alone in it, so thank you for sharing the things that you did.

I agree completely that it's becoming too superficial and not very social anymore - and actually 100% agree also about TikTok! It's the only social media that fosters my creative interests, doesn't make me feel embarrassed or awkward, and that I don't monitor followers on. Hell I don't really follow anyone I know on it, which probably helps. Maybe I will just focus my quote-on-quote "social" energy into that instead.

You're right, we can never tell why people unfollow us. This is likely why I get so damned anxious about it all. I know 90% of the time it will be for reasons like you listed, but instead my brain goes to: "it's because you're annoying as all hell!" I hate it so much.

I'll definitely take your post into consideration. I'm leaning more toward TT anyway, tbh.

@RogueFemale You're so right - though ironically, it seemed that alcohol was easier to kick, haha.

@Safxxx You're right, and I've unfollowed people whose content didn't serve me anymore too. And it was never personal. I just wish I could apply that to myself!

@CrunchyCarrot Honestly, thankyou. I know I need to delete it. I really know. I think maybe I just wanted to be told to do it by someone in honesty.

It really does feel like a necessity I can't live without, and I need to get to the root of why that is really. I think therapy and time are the only true ways.