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How do I work this out?

13 replies

Bakingwithmyboys · 10/08/2024 10:14

It's been a bit of a shit year.
I went back to work full time for the first time in 8 years, I'm a teacher.

DH has then since told me he's depressed. He actually got to the point of planning his exit and even buying some of it. - this blindsided me so much, I had no idea how bad it was for him. He's since started medication and is feeling better but hasn't yet had any counselling. He gets check ins with the mental health team and is on a waiting list.

Part of the reason for all this he decided was my job. I spend too much time on an evening and a weekend with marking and planning etc. He wants more time with me and ideally for me to do a proper 9-5 role that finishes at 5.
This was very emotional for me. I love my job and have never thought about doing anything else. It's the only job I've ever known and wanted to do from the outset pretty much.

I was told this in may. I then spent the last half term and into the holidays feeling very emotional myself, getting some counselling through work, researching other jobs, thinking about what else I might like to do, looking more at the negatives of teaching, worrying about how to tell other people, what we would do with the kids in the holidays etc.

This week, as he is feeling better and now has a plan to go to the gym some evenings with a friend, and we are currently in the holidays so I'm at home with the kids, he's said that maybe it's not that bad.
That perhaps I could keep teaching for a few more years until the boys are old enough to sort themselves on holiday. That if I can promise to be home for dinner then maybe it would work.

The problem is the come September once we are in the thick of it again he may well change his mind again.

However, he has consistently said he only wants me to leave if it's what I want.

I don't know what I want anymore. I've spent the last few months trying to hate the job I love, I'm in turmoil and I don't know what to do!

I don't know how to work out what it is that I want.

OP posts:
ComenowHQ · 10/08/2024 10:24

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ComenowHQ · 10/08/2024 10:25

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mytuppennyworth · 10/08/2024 10:27

If the hours are causing issues in your marriage and you want to address that then how about going part time, and doing the marking and planning on the days you are not at work rather than in the evenings.

Do you have children?

ComenowHQ · 10/08/2024 10:27

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Bakingwithmyboys · 10/08/2024 10:51

Yes he has. I told him I tried to warn him and he said it was like telling someone about the tide before they experienced it. He didn't realise quite how bad it would be. His depression may have started before then as well.

There are other things that have added to his depression, it's not just my job. But my job doesn't help.

I'm also not sure if I just feel stuck in my job. I was hoping that going back full time I could climb up a bit higher. However, that requires so much more time that I couldn't give right now. It may be different in another school which could be an avenue to try.

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 10/08/2024 11:18

That if I can promise to be home for dinner then maybe it would work.

This jumped out at me. It smacks (forgive me if I'm wrong) of "if my dinner isn't on the table when I want it then I will blame you for my depression". You ARE NOT responsible for his happiness and your job certainly isn't responsible for his depression. What else is going on in his life - is he working? Does he have any health problems? Does he have friends and hobbies outside of the marriage?

DoreenonTill8 · 10/08/2024 11:24

Exactly what @Eyesopenwideawake says.... so as long as your doing the cooking and the childcare alls OK..?
Does he realise a 9-5 job won't have the long hols covered?

fdsgfd · 10/08/2024 11:28

You are not responsible for his happiness.

Don't change your career unless YOU want to.

CuloGrande · 10/08/2024 11:31

You are not responsible for his happiness. How will you feel giving up something you love and have worked hard for? What if that doesn’t help him? You can’t tear yourself apart to fix someone else, and someone who truly cares for you wouldn’t expect you to.

Inspireme2 · 10/08/2024 11:33

He needs to get himself sorted and not burden you with guilt or pressure.
Most workplace require alot of commitment.
Does he work?
I would not leave a job you love.
A decent partner would support you and encourage you to stay in your job you love.

PutOnYourRedShoesAndLetsDance · 10/08/2024 11:36

Get him to his local Andys mens club.
Every Monday evening at 7.
He's nothing to loose but loads to gain.
It has saved many men l personally know.

Bakingwithmyboys · 10/08/2024 12:20

PutOnYourRedShoesAndLetsDance · 10/08/2024 11:36

Get him to his local Andys mens club.
Every Monday evening at 7.
He's nothing to loose but loads to gain.
It has saved many men l personally know.

Thank you, will look into this.

OP posts:
Bakingwithmyboys · 10/08/2024 12:24

Yes a partner should support me.

But what about when people complain about their partners doing night shifts? That they don't get time with their partner during the week?

This is how he feels. And I get it. I work most evenings, and a large chunk of the weekend don't get much downtime between that and the kids and he has been low in my priorities when I look back.

But then in the last few weeks of term I tried to do some planning quicker than usual and got called out at work as it wasnt up to usual standard and deemed "not good enough".

I can't find the right balance in this job.

I don't know what I want anymore.

I need help to work out what I want.

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