It's been a bit of a shit year.
I went back to work full time for the first time in 8 years, I'm a teacher.
DH has then since told me he's depressed. He actually got to the point of planning his exit and even buying some of it. - this blindsided me so much, I had no idea how bad it was for him. He's since started medication and is feeling better but hasn't yet had any counselling. He gets check ins with the mental health team and is on a waiting list.
Part of the reason for all this he decided was my job. I spend too much time on an evening and a weekend with marking and planning etc. He wants more time with me and ideally for me to do a proper 9-5 role that finishes at 5.
This was very emotional for me. I love my job and have never thought about doing anything else. It's the only job I've ever known and wanted to do from the outset pretty much.
I was told this in may. I then spent the last half term and into the holidays feeling very emotional myself, getting some counselling through work, researching other jobs, thinking about what else I might like to do, looking more at the negatives of teaching, worrying about how to tell other people, what we would do with the kids in the holidays etc.
This week, as he is feeling better and now has a plan to go to the gym some evenings with a friend, and we are currently in the holidays so I'm at home with the kids, he's said that maybe it's not that bad.
That perhaps I could keep teaching for a few more years until the boys are old enough to sort themselves on holiday. That if I can promise to be home for dinner then maybe it would work.
The problem is the come September once we are in the thick of it again he may well change his mind again.
However, he has consistently said he only wants me to leave if it's what I want.
I don't know what I want anymore. I've spent the last few months trying to hate the job I love, I'm in turmoil and I don't know what to do!
I don't know how to work out what it is that I want.