Came off Setraline to TTC and its gone horribly wrong

[DitchTheDodo]

I've been taking 50mg sertraline since my daughter was around 1, this was prescribed after her first year, and my pregnancy was plagued by anxiety and depression. The difference was night and day, and for the next almost 2 years I've been feeling much more like myself.

We've always said we were one and done but in May this year we thought we were in a good enough place to try for a 2nd. Now I know it's possible to take sertraline in pregnancy, but there is a history of heart conditions in my DHs family and I'm just not comfortable with the risks. So I began tapering off it under the support of my GP.

3 months later, I'm not taking any and I feel like shit all over again. I'm so sad, all of the time. Last week I sat in the park watching my daughter play with this feeling like I was in a bubble and just 'outside' everything. I keep bursting into tears. Every morning I wake up filled with anxiety. The last thing I want to do most of the time is have another baby. Yesterday I met a friend for coffee and ended up breaking down and sobbing to her. This is how it started for me last time and it spiralled out of control to the point where I couldn't function or be a good mum or work. Before I had DD I often thought about ending it all and found having the option a comfort (horrible I know) but now I have my daughter I know I could never ever leave her like that, but it's like my comfort that I could escape is now gone.

I just don't know where to go from here. I'm clearly not in the right place to TTC, I know this, but I'm afraid to disappoint my husband and my daughter is about to turn 3 so the age gap between her and potential number 2 is already likely going to be 4 years. I worry and obsess over that. I also worry over her ending up lonely if we don't have a second. But mostly I worry that my poor MH will ruin our family if I don't get back on the sertraline ASAP. I'm just so sad and disappointed in myself. I want to go back to 3 months ago me.

I just needed to get all this out

SSRIs are meant to be taken while in therapy etc so that they assist that recovery for when you come off.

Otherwise you're right back where you started when you came off them

I came off sertraline to ttc my second too. I managed until about 6 months pregnant but was deteriorating. I re started them then, my midwife said it was an excellent plan to be me again, as well as to get out in front of the pnd again. Never regretted it once (and still take it today at 2.5y past my second child).

I had pre-existing depression and came off my medication to ttc (the meds I was on were not safe in pregnancy). I got very ill with depression/ anxiety in pregnancy and postpartum. It just got worse and worse but I was determined to stay off even after I had my dd, first because I was bf then because I wanted to ttc for another. My mental and physical health was in tatters by then and I reached my limit, I had to go back on them. I feel a lot better now, but it was very hard to accept I wouldn’t be able to have another child (I knew I couldn’t come off meds again to try and I was almost 40 by then). I also felt like I was letting my dh down and worried about dd not having any siblings. But those feelings and the guilt were coming from the depression itself. Once I was back on meds, I realised that. And that it’s better to focus on being the best mum I can be to the daughter I already have than to put myself through hell for the sake of a hypothetical child we might not even be able to conceive. Plus, realistically if anything went wrong,like an mc or difficult birth or a baby with health problems or disabilities, it would be so much more difficult to cope and might push me over the edge.
It’s now several years later and I’m at peace with the decision I made. My dd isn’t lonely at all, she’s brilliant at making friends, confident and very happy.
Having a sibling doesn’t guarantee anything, What kids need is security and stability and healthy relationships with their parents, to be nurtured and given the chance to develop their social skills, resilience, self confidence and ultimately to be able to be independent and to form their own relationships.
I think your priority right now should be to go back on the sertraline and focus on getting well. You will be able to think much more clearly once you’re well again. You’re not letting anyone down by being unwell, it’s not something you chose or can control xx

Go back to the doctor and ask them to consult with the perinatal team about medication that is safe to conceive on.

I'm bipolar and my GP did this for me ahead of conceiving my daughter. The meds I was on were ok. When we started to discuss a second I was under psychiatrist and the GP asked them to bring the next appointment forward to discuss conception. I had to stop lithium before conceiving and I was also on mirtazapine. The mirtazapine itself I could have stayed on until getting a positive pregnancy test but due to sensitivity towards antidepressants I couldn't be on mirtazapine without the lithium. It took 8 months to slowly stop both meds and my moods have been stable on my remaining mood stabiliser.

I had some counselling with my HV around the same time which was really helpful. The combination of meds and therapy in life change situations I have found helpful. Even positive life changes can trigger my mental health.

I was on anti depressants during my pregnancy . I did see a perinatal psychiatrist. The risk was considered much higher coming off them than staying on them .

i was also on sleep meds . I weaned myself off those through my pregnancy .

Do speak to Gp

DD was the same as you. The issues of anxiety and depression during and post pregnancy were considered far worse than taking prescribed meds. Not sure exactly which ones she was on. Baby is fine :-)

Just to say - don't worry about the age gap. There's 7 years between mine and their relationship is so lovely. Don't let that get to you. I have a LOT of siblings and my best relationships are not with the ones closest in age.

She won't necessarily be lonely if you don't have another, don't do it if you don't want to. I do love having two but I also miss the bond with my son when I only had one and the knowledge that whatever happened I could always make him my number one priority - that's more complex with more than one child.

It sounds really tough. You need to go back on meds I think, take some time to think this stuff through in a better headspace. You might find a solution similar to those who have said they found a solution to stay on meds in pregnancy, you can at least ask GP about it. Either way, don't let yourself keep sinking deeper. You deserve to be happy and okay and your little girl needs you and she is already here. I hope things improve OP

Not necessarily, that's quite a narrow and prescriptive view.

I tried to wean off my ADs when I was trying for my first baby, but like you it just made me feel so much worse again so i went straight back on them. I spoke to my midwife and saw a perinatal doctor and they agreed the risk of me being on them outweighed the risk of them having an effect on the baby. Obviously I don’t know your exact history but this is my personal experience. I would definitely speak to your gp and discuss other options of anti depressants that might be less risky for your existing conditions. I stayed on them for both my pregnancies with no issues, obviously everyone is different but it is so important that mum is happy otherwise you won’t be in a fit state to look after a baby! Sending you lots of love as I know how tough depression is especially when you throw children into the mix! Good luck with whatever u decide x

Thank you so much for all the kind comments they've made me feel a bit tearful ❤

Re the therapy- I did used to have CBT and found it helpful alongside the medication; I have actually contacted her but she doesn't have any availability unfortunately. However I've been given the name of another therapist who I've been told is excellent, so I think I will revisit that. The thought of starting that again from scratch is frightning though.

I know I should reach out to my GP but I know they will just tell me the meds are considered safe for pregnancy and wave me on my way! I know that they technically are recognised as safe but if I took them and then anything went wrong, particularly with a future babies heart I would never be able to forgive myself and the anxiety of that alone is just too much.

💐 to those of you who have been through similar, it'd really reassuring to hear from people who've come out the other side.

OP, I just wanted to to reassure you about age gaps - a larger age gap doesn't need to mean siblings aren't close. There's a 6 year gap between DH and his sister and they have a lovely relationship.

The best thing you can do with family is be yourself in it, ask for what you need, give what you can when you can and let yourself be loved. If what you hoped for isn't possible, that's okay (in the end). You'll weather the disappointment together.