I’m bored, down, and jealous and I hate myself for it

[onebrokegal]

NC for this but long time poster. I don’t feel I can say this out loud to anyone in person so maybe I just need to get it out here. Apologies if this is long.

Im in my late thirties and have a very young child with my husband I’ve been with 11 years.
we are in debt, him a lot more than me. I wasn’t aware how much he had until recently, me thinking he was generous all these years with nights out before our child etc was a mistake he just put it on credit and now we have to pay it back.

We live in a very tiny flat and can’t afford to move or save because of the debt we need to pay off first

we have just been stupid and spent more than we could afford so I’m not giving excuses it is what it is. We have no reason to have this amount of debt but we are finally doing something about it now.

i feel like whilst we have a child in a tiny flat, and we can’t afford to give her her own room, everyone around me has their own houses, earns more, has a better life. With a toddler I don’t have much opportunity to leave my job and find something else as my hours fit around childcare. I feel immense guilt that my daughter has no room of her own. And embarrassed by where we live. It’s always a mess because it’s so small and no matter what I throw away it just looks cluttered.

I haven’t lost the baby weight and I can’t even call it that anymore as she’s no longer a baby. I can’t be bothered to diet or exercise as I’m tired. Daily life working full time compressed hours with a toddler is relentless.

my husband has become more moody since she was born and rarely comes out with us as a family as he’s either working or wants to stay at home, so a lot of it falls to me. I’m on egg shells around him a lot as I never know what mood he’s gonna be in. I want us to be happy again but I find it difficult with him being so moody and snappy all the time.

without being outting as I know people on here, a family member has taken an amazing opportunity and I’m so happy for her but at the same time the jealousy I feel actually hurts as it feels like she gets things so easily, I would never ever say this to her or anyone worse as I know I’m being extremely unreasonable in my thoughts and I’m trying hard to push these thoughts away as I know it’s a reflection on how dissatisfied I am with my own life. I wish something came easy to me. My family always go on about how amazing she has it, how beautiful she is and what a great figure she has on top and I’m the loser that lives in a small flat with my family. I’m always being questioned why I still live here but they know why, so they question how I don’t have more money and it makes me feel unwell how judgemental it comes across. I keep wanting them to look at me as if I’m the successful one and feel upset that I’m not.

im the oldest sibling and the least financially successful of my family, I do have a good job but it doesn’t pay the best.

I feel really down, bored, I have no energy to do anything when I get a rare day to myself and the only thing that keeps my spirit up is my little girl because she’s amazing. I’m grateful for her. I don’t know what I’m trying to achieve by writing this. I don’t know if my energy will ever come back. If you got this far thanks for reading. I need to kick myself in gear but I don’t know how

I'm sorry your feeling low OP, it's really hard when we are compared to others - especially to family members because it's hard to get away from.
Try not to let it get to you too much, like you said you have a lovely little girl who knows no different than your flat - that is her home. As long as she is comfy and fed, has some toys etc. she's happy. Maybe this person you are jealous of has things she wishes were different in her life, you never know. It's hard but try and think that things won't be like this forever, you're going through a tough patch and you just have to keep going.

I'm a bit like you in that compared to family and friends I'm the one who is pretty much the least successful. I'm also the only single one of all my friends who are either married or in long term relationships. Quite a few have bought houses in recent years - I have no hope of buying a place of my own as a singleton in my expensive city.
But I also acknowledge that the choices I have made have led me here - I travelled a lot in 20's and moved around jobs, didn't go for the big career. Whereas they opted for higher paying jobs, longer hours, more promotions etc. while I'm happy to stay in a job I like with nice colleagues and don't work as much. So I don't have what they have, but I do have more time to do things I enjoy. There's always a trade off.

Your husband sounds like a bit of an arse to be honest - if the debt is mostly his he should be the one taking charge of paying it back. Very shitty of him not to tell you, and extra shitty that he seems to be in a bad mood all the time. Of course you are tired and stressed if everything is left to you and he doesn't engage with family life. That's something that definitely needs to change going forward.

Was just going to post pretty much the same thing as HornyHornersPinkyWinky.

Feeling embarrassed about your living circumstances is just wasted energy you can put towards bettering your circumstances.

Parenting a toddler is relentless anyway and you are in a tough spot now and you are not wrong to feel upset because your dh in effect deceived you about his financial status and then has the cheek to be moody etc.

How is he in the rest of your relationship and as a father? You should not be walking on egg shells around anyone. And he should be doing his fair share of parenting and not leaving the lion’s share to you.

As for your family, shut down any questions. Just tell them to leave off as you are finding life tough going right now.

Hi op hopefully it felt good to write all that down. Families can be harsh and try not to take that to heart. Don't focus too much on the jealousy, it's a natural human emotion and can spur us on but at the end of the day sometimes it's also true that we strive for things and realise they weren't what we wanted at all! Running up the wrong hills so to speak. It sounds trite but cultivating happiness in the moment and gratitude becomes more important as you get older.

A lot of the things you are annoyed about potentially haven't been in your control but some things are.

Sometimes we can get stuck in comparing ourselves but it's really the thief of joy - look wider outside and you will see you are doing better than most. You definitely have plenty of time to achieve things you want to.