Hi everyone, I don’t post often but just need some advice as things are getting desperate. I had my first baby almost a year ago. Pregnancy was great but I had a really awful and traumatic birth- went in with a hypnobirthing plan and ended up having an emcs at 10cms after over an hour of pushing (they didn’t realise my baby was back to back, and poorly positioned with head stuck in a position that i couldn’t birth). They tried to manually rotate baby and use forceps but it failed and ended up with a section where I then haemorrhaged and became unwell. Ended up being treated on the sepsis pathway (IV antibiotics etc) lost almost 2L of blood in the end. Didn’t get to hold my baby after birth for ages as I was too unwell, didn’t get my golden hour. Didn’t see her much until the next day. As a result of traumatic birth I then failed with my breastfeeding journey, as I simply never produced enough milk. In the first five days my 8lb 14oz baby lost so much weight we were put on a feeding plan and almost re hospitalised. Midwives said I needed to feed around the clock and pump- but I didn’t produce enough milk to feed my baby, in the end it was medical advise to top up with formula- we ended up moving over to formula completely as my supply was so alarmingly low. I have been completely devastated about my experience and feel like it’s destroyed me in recent months. My own mother made comments about how she never had a problem feeding me or my brother herself and she found both birth and breastfeeding really very straightforward and easy. She’s made comments that mother’s choosing to formula feed are not doing the right thing and it’s a disappointment and a shame I’ve had to do it. She also made several comments about it being ridiculous how many women have c-sections these days and in her day it was a lot less etc etc. I feel like a failure. Throughout this first year of motherhood I have felt undermined by my own mother and can’t understand why this is happening. When I was younger we didn’t get along too well but then in recent years I thought we had sorted our differences out. For some reason although she is delighted to be a grandmother she appears to resent that I have my own baby now and can be very judgemental and interferes a lot. For example I wanted to use a dummy to soothe my baby and she was adamant I wasn’t going to do it, she couldn’t convince me so she appealed to my partner and got him to side with her. She undermines me in other ways, for example if she looks after my baby ever she will allow her to nap really late in the day so I’m up all night. When I was in the very early stages post-partum and struggling she told me I was selfish and self-centred and that I need to get a grip for the sake of my baby, and when I was suffering from what I now think is pnd she said I was a bad mother and didn’t deserve my baby (because I was crying a lot and not keeping up with housework etc) she also said if I don’t start to lose the baby weight soon my partner will lose interest. I live really close to my parents and they expect to see their grandchild on a daily basis and guilt trip me if this is not the case. I don’t know how to move forward and what to do for the best, any advice appreciated.