Mental Health and Abuse? Advice needed

[Willow1006]

TW- mentions of domestic abuse
Hi everyone. I just want some advice on how to deal with this situation. I’ll try and keep it short as I can.

when my brother was in college he ended up becoming depressed and we as a family couldn’t understand why and neither could his teacher. I was only 10 at the time but any small argument that siblings (4 of us together) would usually have would end up with him becoming secluded in his room or anything at college would trigger him. As a result his college attendance dropped significantly and his tutor had to have regular meetings with my mum to discuss his future. During those 2 years he had episodes of depression and being a bit better then going back into this cycle. After this he ended up going to his GP and was diagnosed with clinical depression and was referred to CAHMS. However, he didn’t engage with them at all so he was discharged. In his university years he became more abusive, throwing stuff like tables, chairs, furnitures and anything in his path when he becomes angry over very minor things, and this has been the case for the last 6 years. We are unsure of what’s happening to his mental health as he has episodes of becoming really hyper and paranoid to episodes of severe depression where he doesn’t eat or socialise with anyone etc. In every such situation where he has become violent we have called the police but he has never been sectioned. He does talk to himself and openly admits it and this frightens us further as he refuses to seek any mental health services. He currently 24 and this has severe impacts on the family as my parents are approaching their 60s and aren’t strong enough to deal with such violent situations. His childhood was the same as ours, he wasn’t bullied at school and wasn’t neglected by my parents in anyway shape or form. I desperately need advice as his mental health is becoming worse but he is refusing to seek any help

thanks

Sadly unless he becomes a danger to himself or others, or until he chooses to seek help, there's nothing you can do to help him. You can talk to your parents and siblings about what level of support you are able/willing to provide for him now and in the future and also support and protect each other.

Does he live at home? Does he work?

Yes he does live at home with us but I can’t live like this anymore fearing what he might break or how he verbally abuses us. He does work but apparently he acts normal at work so idk why

So he doesn't behave badly or abuse people at work? Does this mean (to you) that he is able to control himself at work but doesn't feel he needs to at home, or that he is bottling up his feelings and can only express them in a safe place, i.e. home?

Did he move away for uni? Is there any chance he is involved with drugs?

My BIL is like this. He suffered with periods of depression throughout school and college, wouldn’t engage with any services. When he started university although he didn’t move away he found his “crowd” and unfortunately they were the wrong crowd. He went from just sulking/locking himself away in his room (which had been the case throughout school/college) to full on violent rage episodes once at university. Throwing things around, physically grabbing and hurting anyone who tried to help him etc. None of us could work out what changed, we didn’t think it would be drugs because he still rarely went out. It only came out months and months later after overhearing something that we found out he had started using drugs and that was what caused the change.

Whether this is the case for your brother or not, it’s incredibly difficult/impossible to help somebody who does not want to help themselves. If it’s really bad, there is always the option to remove him from the house. You cannot all continue living in fear of physical harm.

I feel like he has a controlling nature and just lashes out whenever he wants because he knows there’s no consequences at home because my mum and dad as well as me have health issues and at work if he ever did something like that would be fired instantly. I feel like he bottles his feeling up which is why I desperately want him to seek help and get better but unfortunately after 8 years this is still a major issue

He went abroad as part of his uni course a few years back but came back during Covid times. He was very unmotivated to do anything and his sleep pattern was wrecked. Ever since Covid he has gained so much weight and eats constantly. I’m wondering if he has bipolar as he constantly speaks to himself and has episodes of being hyper and episodes of depression. His mood flips instantly. I just don’t know what to do atp. My mums in a constant state of worry and my dad find the situation helpless

I don’t think he’s into drugs imo

You can reach out to Women’s Aid OP, especially if he is being physically violent and abusive. They can help sign post you for further help.

It certainly sounds like bipolar but could be due to anything really; he needs a proper diagnosis from a psychiatrist.

I second the advice to contact your local domestic abuse organisation and ask for support. You could also phone Rethink who have a good helpline.

Ultimately if he won't engage with services there's little you can do. All you can do is keep yourself safe.

I try my best to distance myself from him within the house but he takes it the wrong way and views it as rejection, which causes his behaviour to spiral out even further and blames it on everyone else but him

Please remember OP you do not have to stay living with someone who makes you fear for your safety

Where would I even go, I’m due to start uni in September but I wanted to stay at home because I have regular hospital appointments to attend to. If I moved away then I’d stay in constant fear of my parents and siblings being hurt

If you stay you’re in constant fear of you & them being hurt. Truly, it is hard, but nobody has to live with him. You try to help people as much as you possibly can and if they don’t want to engage with that help you come to a point where you have 2 choices

1. You remove them
2. You remove yourself

1, obviously you would all need to be onboard in that he is no longer welcome. Made homeless the council has an obligation to house him.

2, you have options, including presenting to your own local council as fleeing DV. You have enough evidence from your calls to police.

It’s easier said than done, I know, but none of you can continue to live in fear of violence when the perpetrator refuses to acknowledge he has an issue or engage with those trying to help him.

I just have so much anxiety, like I feel like the future is so uncertain right now

I can imagine OP, it’s a really difficult situation, I feel for you.

With my BIL, he was asked to leave the house. We all still support him as much as we can, his parents do especially, but neither of them could continue to live under the same roof as him and watch him self destruct and hurt everything and everyone around him. You cannot and should not be hurting yourself to help someone else, especially when that someone doesn’t want help.

I’ll reach out to women’s aid