I've recently overcome something rather challenging. My mental health has been at an all time low since 2022, it hit its peak last year when I lost my mother, my grandfather and my cat within months of each other, and shortly after being diagnosed autistic, with borderline personality disorder. I ended up neglecting myself really badly, resulting in my house turning into what can only be described as a landfill.
For months it consumed me, I couldn't stop thinking about it and would stay awake at night thinking about how disgusting it and I was. Yet, whenever | tried to do something about it, it was like I was paralyzed. About two months ago, I finally ended up reaching out and getting help. I was given incredible support and now am back in my apartment that looks as good as new.
I was told that once my apartment was cleaned, it would clean my mind and I would start to feel better. But I'm stuck still feeling the same way, except now, it isn't the state of my apartment that's plaguing my mind 24/7, it's just emptiness.
I've been consistently taking care of my apartment and everything in my life is looking up, but I still feel the same. It makes me feel really guilty, l've received this incredible support system and I don't want to seem ungrateful, I just can't even put my finger on what's wrong. My head is just so disconnected from everything, it's like I'm here but I'm not. I want to be a good friend and be able to laugh with people, but as soon as the quiet comes, so does the deafening silence in my head. I'm so scared that l've neglected myself so much that l've forgotten who I am and how to be who I am.