So depressed and unwell

[Octavon]

I’m so depressed. I have degrees but I can’t get a job because I have autism. I had a child and I suffered much worse physical damage than average, it won’t get better. Now my child has been dumped on me and I’m so sick of being the default parent. I’m trapped.

My DM moaned for a grandchild, my DH said he’d leave me if we didn’t have one because he wanted a family. I said up front that I have autism and while I’m capable of giving birth I’m not capable of being the main parent. They agreed I wouldn’t be. Then they both pissed off and left me to deal with the baby. So I had a nervous breakdown.

Now I’m stuck. DH has a good job so I’m left holding the child, which is not what I signed up for. It’s too much for me. I don’t want to be the default parent.

Now I can’t get a job because I have an autistic child who won’t cope with 10 hours a day in childcare and won’t cope with full days at holiday club. It’s taken me a couple of years to get him to stay till 3pm without having a meltdown, and no decent jobs finish at 3pm.

When I tell DH I’m depressed he just shrugs and says “you get a job then and I’ll stay at home with DC”. But he’s being nasty because he knows I can’t get a job because of my disability, certainly not a job that pays as much as he earns to support all three of us. He has lied to me and used me to get what he wanted and now I’m stuck in a situation I don’t want to be in.

Now I’ve developed terrible pain and stiffness which the doctors can’t find a reason for. DH is shouting at me for not doing “my share” because I’m in pain. I never signed up for household tasks being “my share” in the first place. I’m thinking about just jumping in front of a train because there’s no point to my life and no way out.

Hi

I'm sorry you are going through this, it sounds very hard. Are you diagnosed with Autism formally? It might mean you can access some support to help you. Either way, can you see your GP and ask for counselling?.

Sometimes things feel so bleak and you can feel there is no way out BUT there always is. Please get some help, you deserve to feel happier and supported.

Yes I am diagnosed with autism. When I had a breakdown because I couldn’t cope with my baby I was put on a waiting list for autism diagnosis. I waited four years for an adult diagnosis, they diagnosed me, gave me a leaflet about autism and sent me away. That was over a year ago and there’s no further support.

DC is 5 and started school last September. I have to do all drop offs and pick ups and sick days which limits my ability to work. Not that I can get a decent job anyway because of discrimination due to my autism.

I have asked for counselling recently. They said it’s a course of 6 counselling sessions and I should reach the top of the waiting list by next Easter.

Hi OP
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
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Autism should not exclude you from working - indeed, one of my most trusted/experienced/knowledgeable colleagues is diagnosed. We just make a few adjustments as we've all learned about each other.

What is your degree in? Did you work before DC came along?

My degree is interior design and my masters is spatial planning. I got amazing grades but unfortunately the job is working with clients, so employers won’t hire you if you don’t create the right impression. When I applied for the degree I didn’t know I was autistic and didn’t understand that I would be unable to ever get a job.

I get told a lot that my qualifications are great and it’s me that’s the problem. I get told to change my facial expression and smile more, learn to make small talk, don’t recoil when someone touches you, etc. All things I can’t do because of my disability.

Before DC came along I did work, but not in design. I worked as a tutor for students studying design, it was a total piss take because they paid min wage then expected you to do paperwork in your own time, so if you counted those hours it worked out as less than min wage. I felt used and under valued. Then DC was dumped on me and I couldn’t even do that any more.

Lots of autistic people work.

Have you thought about changing carers?

I mean I’ve done two degrees and invested years. Any other job would be non graduate because I’m not qualified in any other field.

I’m aware that some fortunate autistic people work. The vast majority don’t because of discrimination. We aren’t all the same. People are differently abled so perhaps someone with a different profile of skills and needs will get a job, whereas my skills and needs profile isn’t as employable. I’ve been told that autistic people with maths and tech skills are very employable but unfortunately that’s not how my mind is wired.

Then you tell those employers who won't employ you to go F themselves and you start your own business.

why not? If your good at what you do, why should you give up just because people assume you're unable to do something because of your disability doesn't actually mean you're unable to do it.

I tried being freelance actually. Couldn’t get any work because I’m not a people person. Nobody wanted to engage with me or help me or supply me. Nobody gave me any word of mouth referrals. Plus now I’m stuck with DC so it would be even harder to try again. I just didn’t realise how vital it would be to be social and bubbly.

I'm so sorry @Octavon that is really rubbish for you. I'm sure your amazing at what you do, it's disgusting that you have to fit in this perfect little box to be successful.
Im autistic myself, I managed to do retail & the pub trade as it was pretty routine and I coped okay with that now I'm a carer and find being 1:1 is better for me as it's less overwhelming.

Maybe you could try digital art like logos for businesses or marketing? You have the creative flare clearly and if it's online it's less overwhelming dealing with a email rather than face to face.
Sending you a big hug. Tell your DH to pack it in and give you a hand with the baby when he's not at work too!

With a masters in spatial planning, you’d fit well in several departments in the civil service. In the public sector we are very well equipped to take on people with disabilities, and our policies and recruitment mean that you could have reasonable adjustments from the point at which you apply, to enable you to show your best self and then to succeed in work. Many roles have a great deal of flexibility including hybrid working, which would ease some of the difficulties you’d find in working full time in an office full of other people.

It sounds like it’s time you did something for you, and some meaningful work which boosts your mood and puts you on a more equal footing with your arsehole husband, while you work out whether you want him in your life, seems like a good prospect to me.