Existing when there's nothing you want from life

[CrouchingLiger]

Does anyone else feel like this? I've never really had any ambitions in life, I just do what I need to do each day to survive and often resent having to do it. There's never been a particular career I've wanted, I don't want to travel the world etc. I've had CBT in the past and I'm good at doing the exercises, so on paper I look high functioning and productive. I've just always felt flat whenever I've completed a task even if it's finishing a project which has taken a lot of time and effort. I've tried a few different SSRIs in the past and they either did nothing or in a couple of cases just made my moods really unpredictable. I feel like a lot of treatments for depression centre on getting you back on track to a time when you were happy, but I don't really feel like I have this.

I've never really had any ambitions in life

When you were a child what did you what to be when you grew up? And who stamped on those dreams?

Hey there,
If you are up to it take a look at Georgia Ede on youtube, I will link one of her recent lectures below. She is a psychiatrist who talks about the affect that food and nutrition has on the brain and mental health. I found this fascinating, and really personally very helpful. In one of her talks I remember her saying it is not normal to feel hopeless and joyless, so your post recalled this to me.

Best of luck if you decide to make any changes, and best wishes if you don't.

A lot my issues are stem from having a fairly toxic upbringing in a very negative environment. I was suffering with suicidal ideation by the time I started primary school and my parents didn't seek any kind of medical or psychiatric help for me. They would make the threat that I would be taken into care if anyone found out how I was thinking. So I didn't want to be anything when I grew up, except to not exist. I've since tried to go back in my mind to think about what I would want to do as a career if I could start over. I've spent hours researching and trying to speak to people who know me well like my partner, but never got anywhere. I'm fortunate in that I've helped my DH build his business up and financially I'll be able to retire in a few more years by my late 40s. I just feel so perpetually overwhelmed by the basics of existing, that I live in the day to day and struggle to envisage myself in the future. For a long time, there probably was an element that I was scared to fail or be judged, but as I've got older, I don't even think that's true anymore.

I've sought various mental health help over the years, but noone seems to really know how to help. A psychiatrist once met with me for a couple of minutes, told me I likely have a personality disorder, but he can't help me because I'm not behaving in a way that's harmful to myself or others.

@Sajacas Thanks for the link. I'll have watch of that this evening. Generally I do eat healthy, as I've never had a problem eating lots of fruit and veg and aren't too keen on processed food. I have sometimes wondered if I may have some sort of nutritional or hormonal deficiency which may be having a prolonged negative effect on my mood.

I think I'm a similar sort of person to you. Naturally very depressive and don't see the point in existing.

I'm wondering if you're creative at all, because that's where I get most fulfilment. Working on something tangible, whether it be painting or knitting or sewing or gardening, also cooking and baking, or making the house beautiful. I want to create a beautiful life and working towards that makes me feel like life might be worthwhile eventually. I'm autistic and feel I'm only just surviving most of the time because of overwhelm from living in a built up area with lots of sensory stimulation.

If you're financially comfortable, is there anything you could throw money at to help your "survival"? Paying other people to do the things you can't manage? And then maybe creative courses to see what you like.

Hi OP,

Not naturally like that myself but I always wantedto be a businesswoman and achieved my goal before 30 (great career with big salary). Then I spent 5 years not really knowing what to do.
After that I had my kids which gave me a sense of achievement butnow they are older andno longer need me all the time, it's back to the same inability to think of what to do next.
I hate that state, not depressed, just 'flat'.
Like you say, just existing.

They would make the threat that I would be taken into care if anyone found out how I was thinking. So I didn't want to be anything when I grew up, except to not exist.

I'm so sorry, what a terrible way to treat a child. These videos on toxic shame are really good at explaining how children cope when they grow up in an abusive home and how those strategies follow us into adulthood.

s

This can be changed. I've worked with people in their 60's who've had the same thing hanging over them all their lives and have been able to leave it behind. It's not too late.

Yes, this is exactly like me except I don’t look normal or high functioning on paper tbh.
I used to actually tell people that when I left school, the only thing I wanted to be was dead (I was suffering from severe depression at the time).
It’s true, a lot of the treatment centres around restoring your mood to a “normal”/ happy baseline and I think a lot of people don’t actually have this. I don’t. The closest I get to a normal mood is less depressed. I’ve always been this way.
I filled out the questionnaire they give you for pnd honesty and “passed” as not suffering from depression even though I absolutely was because of the way it’s worded.
No treatment I’ve had (medication, cbt etc) has made much difference. I was diagnosed with unipolar as a teenager, then told I had treatment resistant depression, then years later that I have persistent depressive disorder with anhedonia.
I never know what I want out of life, in the small everyday sort of way or in terms of a career or anything like that. People don’t believe me that I’m just not bothered about hobbies or travel whatsoever. The only thing that comes naturally or makes sense to me is to take care of my daughter, but the more I watch her growing up, making friends, wanting to try different things and go on holidays, learn and talk about what she wants to be when she grows up, the more I really realise that the way I am is just not normal at all.
I came off my meds a few years ago because I was so fed up of them not working, but unfortunately I actually got a lot worse. I started back on antidepressants last year, I’m a little better but still depressed and now I feel quite numb and blank with it. It’s a new doctor this time though and she says it’s not right for me to just think well this is as good as it gets for me (that’s pretty much where I’m at at this point) so I’ve been referred for assessment for autism/ adhd.
If you are not happy with the way you are I think you should go to your gp. SSRIs are not the only option in terms of medication, they never worked for me either. Other types of meds can be much more effective.
That psychiatrist should never have said that to you that they can’t help because you’re not harming yourself or others. I have never self harmed, lots of depressed people don’t.
Maybe counselling might help for what you went through with your family.