Overthinking - Anxiety - Fixation on things - would like some help!

[Feelingblue77]

Hello,

I wasn't really sure whether to put this under the parents of adult children section or here, but I'll give it a go here first as the issue definitely lies with me.

DD is 22 and at Uni, studying a demanding course. I seem to obsess and worry about various things to do with her and her life, to the point that I ask questions I shouldn't and probably add to her stresses, rather than being there as a support.
This centres around her course, whether she's having fun, relationships etc.

I feel like I constantly worry and it leads me to over step and basically be quite annoying. Asking questions about things she doesn't want to talk about, but if I don't them I worry and get all anxious to the point I can't function properly.

An example would be that she took a short holiday at Easter and really had to be back on the day she was due to return due to course commitments the following day. However she booked a late flight which if it was cancelled, would cause problems. I was worried all week, kept checking her flight, kept looking up what the plan B could be. I couldn't focus on much else. I probably worried her about it when I shouldn't have.

I need to try and detach from her life and leave her be - help if I'm asked and stay out of things otherwise. Stop trying to over parent, she's an adult now.

I'm finding it really hard. I miss her a lot and it's unlikely she will return home after Uni. I think much of this stems from me not having enough going on in my own life to keep me busy. Work is ok but not challenging, DH works long hours etc. I'm exercising more, trying new classes such as pilates, trying to cook more, volunteering one evening a week, but often I just feel like a big ball of anxiety, and lurch from worrying about one thing to the next.

This probably all sounds ridiculous, but I don't think my behaviour, thoughts, actions are normal. I feel quite low in general and everything is an effort. I feel like I need to find a way to work on this but not sure where to start.

I would book an appointment with your GP, it sounds as if there may be an element of OCD or similar going on which has been triggered by your daughter leaving home. It may be that normal maternal worries are growing arms and legs a little bit and they may refer you in order to help provide you with strategies to manage intrusive thoughts such as these. I had anxiety and my GP referred me to a Steps to Wellbeing course which was really useful in managing it, eg doing one thing at a time rather than multitasking etc.

I don't think my behaviour, thoughts, actions are normal

'Normal' covers a wide range, but what's important is that your life is being negatively impacted so, yes, it would be good to be able to dial down your anxiety. When did this start, when she went to Uni or before then? Have you felt this way previously?

How do you feel when you're at Pilates or exercising? If you feel better, that suggests you could benefit from more movement (it tells your body that you've done the fight/flight and you can relax now), rather than be stuck in the paralysed freeze response.

Doing, rather than worrying, could be the key to quieting your fears.

Have you ever tried any guided meditations? There are lots on Spotify if you have it or you could try an app like headspace or calm. Taking a few minutes once or twice a day to close your eyes and breathe could help. It’s so hard to relax and switch off but it’s a technique that you can learn.

There are also sites like Breathworks who run courses on mindfulness for stress.

@jennylamb1 thank you - I will do this. I hadn't thought about OCD but I think you're right and it could be a little, as I do become obsessive about it all.

@Eyesopenwideawake I think I was a little like this before she went to Uni but it was possibly made worse from the application process onwards, as it was a competitive course to get on to and I did get very anxious and fixated on that. I've felt this way previously but it's become worse recently.

@NeverDropYourMooncup I definitely feel better when I'm doing an more upbeat exercise class or running. Pilates, I think it's just not my thing as I end up thinking about everything rather than getting that escape that more cardio or weight type exercise gives me. I do find going for a walk helps a lot.

@GenreHumain thank you I will take a look. I've never tried anything like that before but if it can help quiet my mind that would be a good start. It's like there is always noise in my head - thinking, worrying, imagining scenarios.

So what may well have happened is that there's a small part of your subconscious mind that has developed the erroneous belief that your worrying is in some way going to protect your daughter from coming to any harm.

'Post hoc ergo propter hoc' is Latin for ‘after this, therefore because of this.’
This is the phrase we use to describe the natural mistaken connections of cause and effect - in your case believing that the act of checking the flights will make them on time and NOT checking them will make them delayed. If this resonates please have a look at my AMA on remedial hypnosis - you can deal with this quickly and permanently.

Thank you @Eyesopenwideawake I will definitely take a look.

I think this could be part of it - and also this absolute need to have a plan for if something goes wrong, fixing everything.
It's the fact I can't switch my brain and thoughts off from it too that's so difficult. Even things that I know will be ok either way, I just can't stop thinking about.

@Eyesopenwideawake I have just read your AMA and it's so interesting. Something I might like to try really. Thank you for mentioning it.

I've been thinking too, and I reckon part of this is that I was very involved in her life previously. My DH was too, no complaints there, but he worked long hours and travelled and I worked from home.

I did the organising and taking to the majority of hobbies, clubs etc, then as she got older helped with 6th form choices, university applications etc. I wasn't pushy, just involved and she was happy for me to be.

I did lose the plot a bit waiting to hear if she had her University place. I think I found the waiting harder than her which was a bit ridiculous.

She then went to Uni, and was still with the same boyfriend from 6th form (long distance relationship). So we knew him already, and they spent a lot of time with us, holidays etc, and because we knew him so well, it was natural that we would ask about him, what he's up to etc.
She's not with him any more (her choice but still was a very hard time for her as well as she cared about him and struggled with the thought of hurting him).

Now she's moved on, and we know less about her life, although she definitely shares more than most her age I'm sure, so this isn't her fault at all. She has met other people but obviously we don't know them which is normal, so it's odd to ask too much about them, although I want to? When I do, sometimes because I can't help myself, I can tell she thinks I'm over stepping.

I think it maybe also boils down to me being so involved in her life, and then quite a change to not being as involved. My life is fine, but I have a job that's not that satisfying and to be honest, life's not that exciting (not complaining, with all that's going on in the world I have it very easy I know). I think I've been living through her a bit. Using her excitement as mine, and therefore when I think something might go wrong, it's like it's going wrong for me too maybe?

It's hard with her being away (5 hours drive) and mostly communicating through whatsapp and phone calls. She's often tired, and can sound unhappy, but really she's fine but just doesn't want to talk about it. Then the next call she's chatty and fine. However one kind of subdued call, and I'm all worried.

I just want to get to the point I can support her, but in a natural way. Sympathise, empathise, help where I can, but not feel like I'm trying to live it? Often, because I just have snippets of insight I am worrying about nothing anyway! It's exhausting!

Sorry for the massive ramble. It's quite therapeutic thinking about all of this and working through some of it in my head. Slightly embarrassing too though.
@Eyesopenwideawake is this a scenario you think your kind of therapy could help with perhaps?

Thanks so much.

Yes, it can - although I think you're doing a really good job of starting to work it out for yourself! Happy to have a chat to see if a bit of extra help is necessary.

It may be good to look for a role which could be an outlet for you. I volunteered for a charity called The Girls Network which was very good, you mentor a young girl who attends secondary. There is structured support on topics to work through and we got together once a month at her school with a group of female mentors.

@Eyesopenwideawake I think I'm starting to understand, but not sure how to stop if that makes sense?!!

@jennylamb1 I will definitely take a look at that. Thank you so much.

@Feelingblue77 if you'd like to send me a DM we can set up a (free/no obligation) chat 😊

@Eyesopenwideawake thank you so much. I’ve sent a message.

I’m sorry I have no experience to add but I just wanted to say that you sound like such a sweet and loving mum.

@HansHolbein thank you so much. That's really kind of you to say that.