OCD has trapped me at home

[Beccibops]

I live in a very small studio flat. I developed OCD last year after an abusive relationship, this also caused me to lose my job.

I’m on antidepressants; however they make me feel the heat more and the recent heatwave in my small space has been challenging.

I’m usually very clean but I’m incredibly ashamed to say I’ve not showered in a week and I’ve worn the same clothes too. I’ve been asleep on my sofa as i need to change my duvet cover and didn’t want to sweat in it even more. I’ve not left the flat as have no clean clothes plus I’m not clean.
I really want to shower and put some laundry on; however my OCD is trapping me. I fear that my poor hygiene has made my small living space unsanitary and I feel like my towels hanging up are unusable as they may be contaminated. This is what is preventing me from showering.

I don’t know if anyone has experienced this or knows about this type of thing but I feel incredibly alone as I’m too embarrassed to speak to a friend

That sounds really tough, I've not experienced OCD but my depression and anxiety make me find it hard to do tasks like showering sometimes. I have to think about how good I'll feel when I'm out of the shower.

What do you think could be a manageable task? Could you have a sink wash?

Thank you for your kind understanding. I’m sorry you have also experienced depression and anxiety. I hope you are okay.

id like to have a shower and will try tomorrow. I’m just worried about making myself dirty again by using the towels hanging in the flat. I don’t have any other towels. I feel like I can only do laundry if I’m clean too

The towels could only be contaminated with particles of your own sweat though. That's not so bad. I've struggled with OCD too, still do to an extent but it can get better. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with it, it's horrible

Ooh poor you that sounds so tricky. If it helps, your towels won't be contaminated at all, you'll be fine to use them. If you really can't face it:

In the short term, could you put a towel wash on, hang them out or tumble dry them once they're clean, then shower with the towels once you've cleaned them? If that doesn't work, could you order a new towel on Amazon prime now, and shower as soon as it arrives? Alternatively, could you call a friend or family member to come and see you with a clean towel and help you change the bedding? I would do this for a loved one who was feeling stuck though I appreciate it's not easy to reach out like this.

In the medium term, could you call your GP to make an appointment and ask for a referral to CAMS? While you're waiting, could you organise to meet with a therapist, funds permitting? A number of online only services like BetterHelp will match you with a therapist today.

You sound really thoughtful and insightful about what's going on and have made the brave and difficult step of extricating yourself from an abusive relationship. You can do this. An internet stranger is rooting for you

It started for me like that, after an abusive relationship. These men and the things they do to us.

Thanks @Beccibops it's exhausting battling my own mind all the time. It sounds a bit catch 22 for you which must also be tiring. Would it help if I told you the towels aren't contaminated? I'm not sure if that is helpful or not, so please excuse my ignorance if it doesn't help.

Order a lovely fluffy big bath towel from Amazon it will be there in a day and then you can take your shower. Longer term, you do need to get some help from a therapist. I wish there was something I could do to help you.

At this moment in time you're in a catch 22 situation as you can't use the towels to get clean because you feel they're not clean, yet you can't do laundry to clean the towels to get clean yourself. My son had OCD so I've seen how it can make you feel so utterly trapped and unable to act. He had therapy, and the best way to deal with it was to tackle one small task at a time, but it's essential you do face and tackle things in order to overcome the cycle. If you can cope with washing one of the towels in your flat and drying it, then you can use this towel to dry yourself after you shower. It doesn't matter if it takes a full day to wash and dry this towel, and even if you feel you will contaminate the towel doing it, it's essential to do it and see it through. Unless you break this cycle by taking one of these steps you'll sink deeper into the grip of OCD. It's scary and feels impossible but it's literally you that needs to take the first steps as no one can do it for you. Do you have anyone at all that you can speak to in real life? I'm sure people will be more understanding than you think.

@Beccibops how are you today?

Could I suggest that you have a shower and don't use the towels to get dry. Put on your dressing gown and lie on the bed whilst you dry. You will then be clean and you can wash your towels xx

Thank you this is a good idea, sadly I have no dressing gown but I think I’ll get one moving forward

Thank you for checking in. That’s so kind. I’ve been feeling really unwell today so not done much. I will wait till early morning tomorrow to have a shower as it will be cooler in the flat. I hope you are okay

@Beccibops could you put on a nightshirt and lay there until you are dry. Then change it for a dry one x

I was going to suggest this.

And if you can put a towel wash on then shower.
Then air dry or dressing gown. It want take long to dry in this weather. Then hopefully you'll feel better to try another task.

My mum would put a wash on before her shower and take out clean washing after. Might work for you too.

No advice really, just sympathy.
I, too, have OCD. It's hell.

Sending more kind thoughts. OCD is difficult to manage and I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Longer term it might be worth thinking about therapy to help you develop some longer term strategies to help.
Ive had horrific bouts of depression/anxiety and spent 2 weeks in bed at one point. It took a while to come back from that but I have had some therapy and realise I need more to continue working on me as the challenges of life I face are changing.

@Beccibops sorry to hear you're feeling poorly. I hope you manage to shower in the morning. It will make you feel better too :)

I'm ok thanks. Kept pretty busy today so less time to overthink everything

@Beccibops did you manage to shower?

You could also try handwashing a set of clothes in the shower with you, then drip dry naked until you can put those on so as to be clean enough to run the laundry for the duvet and more clothes/towels.
Consider it just as stage one where you remove the main contaminant to allow you to start clean-up, and then wash those clothes and yourself again at the very end before you sign off on everything being sorted again.

Don't use a towel to get dry. Nobody actually needs a huge great fluffy sheet with which to get dry. Just use some other clean item. Then wash that and your towels afterwards.

Could I suggest you buy yourself a couple of those incredibly light micro towels for travelling from Decathlon or somewhere -really quick to wash and dry and take up hardly any space.

I sometimes dry myself using a hairdryer on cool.. could you try this if you have one

Thank you, I did and i managed to wash my bedding; however a pillow case ended up inside the duvet cover at end of cycle and it’s really exhausted me as I don’t know if everything is clean. There’s always something unfortunately

Ah Becci, you have my sympathies. I have OCD health anxiety and it's so so hard to try and think logically as you feel your concerns are very logical.

I promise you, the pillowcase is clean. People actively put washing into bags to keep it all together. Underwear bags etc. the clean water will definitely get through.

Well done on showering. Try and make yourself do at least one difficult job a day to try and get back on top of things. Doesn't matter how small it is. One job, might lead to another x