Is this a breakdown

[Foreverundecided]

As a teenager I went through a horrific time ( abuse ) and it was very much something I buried but as a result I see now I made very awful decisions as a result
I really hated myself and I ended up in abusive marriage at a very young age to just add to the trauma

Now i am married I have lovely DC, a nice home and no one would guess anything is wrong
But maybe it's the fact in quick succession I went from escaping abuse to marrying a nice man to having children and now I feel like things from the past are flooring me

I feel like I'm drowning in grief
I am so critical all the time
I recently returned to work after taking a small gap with kids and I find myself thinking if I hadn't wasted time in a abusive relationship after university I would of been more established pre the children and be doing better now despite the fact I do actually have a good job ( not the end goal but it seems achievable) and then it spirals to me thinking if things hadn't happened my life would be different and then before you know I'm crying

Feeling like I've not done well enough for the children which in reality my children have a wonderful life but my brains sense of reason and logic doesn't seem to be working anymore

I've never felt like this before
I have always just got on with things and kept going but this is just different
My husband has tried to be supportive and I can see it upsets him to see me like this but I can't seem to stop the intrusive thoughts of my awful past

Other than my husband I don't have anyone to talk to about this and I feel like if I did I would be judged as ungrateful as looking from the outside my life is lovely and I know this but I still feel distraught all the time at the moment and I'm just wondering if it's some late response to everything that's happened

The thing with trauma is that it never goes away until it's resolved. Sometimes you can bury it, or it buries itself while you are dealing with other problems, but it will always reappear. Why? Because there's a part of your subconscious mind that took on the role of finding out exactly what happened, why it happened and if there was anything you could have done differently to prevent it happening for the express purpose of making sure it can't ever happen again. That part of the mind needs to know it's mission is no longer necessary or helpful. EMDR and remedial hypnosis both have good results with trauma.

It is entirely possible, now that you are in a safe home and relationship, that your mind and body are seeking a way to heal.
I understand trauma, the way it affects you physically, psychologically and emotionally.
Are you having a breakdown?
I am not qualified to say.
You can recover, and it is highly treatable.
Please do not worry about what others think; those who have endured traumas, for whatever reason, do not judge. A great deal of people live with the effects of trauma.
You kept going before, maybe you had no other choice but to survive.
You do now have a chance to resolve what you experienced in your past.
Of course your husband gets upset, I know he wants to help, there’s love between you, but he won’t know how. And that’s ok.
There’s a few steps you can take.
An appt with a GP could be helpful.
There are many groups out there, that are helpful, such as MIND, NAPAC, etc.
It is not helpful to yourself to ‘beat yourself up’ as it were, with ‘what if’s’. Every single person in the world could have made different decisions, had different lives, but it’s all due to their experiences, circumstances, and quite frankly, survival.
And yes, it is grief you feel.
Grief for what happened, and grief for the life you could have had.
You are safe. In a safe home. Your children are safe. You have a loving husband.
You can start to build to become the person you should have been.
Good luck, and I know you have the courage to take some forward steps.