Sorry for rambling.
I am mid-20s, currently unemployed with caring responsibilities as my mother is increasingly disabled (she also has terrible MH). I have also had quite severe agoraphobia since 2022, which has killed off what was left of my (somewhat limited) social life. My mum is often unable to do anything without me, so the situation I am in probably works to an extent - but it's exhausting for me. My mother and I are becoming incredibly co-dependent - I cannot go anywhere without her - and it's unhealthy.
I have received counselling, medications, interventions etc. for the agoraphobia and nothing has helped. Currently seeing a CBT therapist and I am frankly completely unable to engage in therapy. I am convinced I am dying and will only leave the house to go to medical appointments or very brief supermarket trips. Despite seeing a cardiologist, I am back to square one with my heart anxiety because I have had palpitations again. Sometimes I really do think that I will just drop dead. I also worry constantly about getting cancer. My father and I are in semi-contact again, solely because he has fairly advanced cancer. We otherwise have no other meaningful relationship. I have been experiencing tiredness for 18 months and often worry that I actually have cancer and am dying.
I've also increasingly experienced suicidal ideation, self-harming behaviours and a general feeling of being a useless burden and a failure. I don't have a plan- in fact I am terrified to take my medications in case I accidentally overdose myself. I actually find the ideation extremely frightening because I basically want to live. * *I used to be an educated, successful, high-achieving person in my late teens and early 20s and I don't know how everything has gone so wrong. I will be 30 in 4 years time and the thought of being stuck in this loop at an age where many of my peers are starting to marry, have kids, achieve career success, go on exciting holidays etc. just makes me feel horrific. I am starting to obsess about ageing and worrying that I am too old to ever enjoy life again.
Prior to the agoraphobia, I experienced severe anxiety (diagnosed), OCD (diagnosed) and depressive symptoms for many years, stemming from about age 12. A lot of my friendships have ended due to my anxiety and general high-maintenance behaviour. I have not had a relationship for over 5 years. I also have a suspected eating disorder which I am awaiting treatment for (not underweight - I am a normal weight with bingeing/restricting behaviours). I do have minor health problems (long Covid type stuff) but I feel guilty for even worrying about that. My GP is supportive and I feel guilty that I never seem to get better.
I am terrified of being sectioned if I admit that I am experiencing ideation and self-harm behaviours. Funnily enough I actually doubt anyone would care if I did admit it - whenever I tell my mum this her response is usually: "well I want to die too", so that's not really helpful.
I am terrified of this post being picked up by the media or of getting sectioned - please bear this in mind.