Hi,
I've made some pretty stupid decisions in my life and think I've screwed up. I'm not sure if it's my childhood causing it, my menopause (delightful that was) or just, generally unhappy in life. I get no pleasure from life. At all. I just feel like every day is the same old, same old.
I am early 50's and not on HRT. GP didn't think I was menopausal when I went 7 years ago. I was.
Anyway, I've done some pretty stupid things over the last few years. Just need some advice from others as to what to do next.
A little bit of history...
I was the youngest child of 3 with a significant age gap - they were both male and both had left home before I turned 4. So, you could say, I was brought up as an only child. I remember feeling very lonely at times. My parents divorced when I was 8. My father disappeared from my life and died years ago. My older brothers had their own families and didn't really bother with me. My mum was a difficult woman. She had an obsession with the medical profession - well, male doctors! She would invent illnesses to be seen every week. She never met anyone else after my dad and I sometimes thought this was her way of getting her male fix.
My mum didn't have much money. Due to her long list of illnesses (some genuine), she didn't work. I wanted to do well in life and concentrated on my education and career. Did well at school/uni and walked into my chosen career. I had, however, neglected going out with boys etc.
Basically, to cut a long story short, this is what happened...
(1) I married an older man - 11 years older - who I realised I wasn't attracted to and, quite frankly, he was 💩 in the bedroom. I even ended up with fertility treatment as I desperately wanted to be a mum. He also lacked affection. We never kissed, never held hands. Sex was infrequent and a chore. It stopped - many years ago!
(2) Mum became ill (cancer) and I spent time caring for her, working full time and looking after 2 children and a house. I was looking after all the admin of house/children too.
(3) Mum died and then my husband's parents both took ill. Again, lots of caring and both passed.
(4) I hadn't had any help with the children due to grandparents being old. It was tough. My job demanded weekend and night work. I ended up leaving for another role higher up. Management. I hated it. Yes, more money but not worth it.
(5) Menopause at 45. Changed me as a person. Struggled as a wife, a mother, a friend and as an employee. I also developed the sex surge of menopause pretty bad but didn't realise this was menopause related. I had anxiety quite bad too and would escape anywhere I could, away from people.
(6) The one I'll be slated for. I got involved with a man online and we ended up in an affair. He is still in my life 7 years on. Lives 3 hours away but still, it carries on. Both of us were married when things started. My marriage was, at the time, very dull. It was obvious we were no more than friends. OM and I get on well, still do, and he insisted me never met (due to the mutual attraction) but we did after a year or so. We met again and well...
He is everything my husband wasn't in more ways than one. I filed for divorce almost immediately. And, like a young fool, my feelings for OM got stronger. Even though he ended it a few times (so we could both move on) he always came back. He has insisted it is to be platonic now and regrets what we did but constantly talks about our times together. I do regret it all but do, genuinely, have feelings for this man which I can't shake off. However, knowing he won't commit to me is slowly killing me. I'm have dated others but none interest me. I feel like I have lived a sexless life, devoid of affection.
(7) I have changed jobs again. Similar role. Not enjoying it as it's just all so negative. I'm just sorting out problems all the time. It's also 100 miles away so a long drive each week across the isolated parts of Cumbria and Yorkshire. I'm also staying one night a week, at my expense. I worry about the winter months and dark nights. I'm just not enjoying it.
(8) I have paid out thousands in solicitor fees and ended up getting rid of the solicitor as I just couldn't carry on paying. Bill over £15k. It got me nowhere and stbx is getting more than me meaning I will struggle. House goes up for sale next week. Divorce almost finalised.
(9) Both children can be difficult to deal with and I get no pleasure from them.
Life is just awful. I've gone from a young, happy, successful woman to this. Feel extremely lonely and unhappy. Menopause symptoms did settle but have wrecked havoc with my life.
Any advice?