I need some advice, I had an abortion not long ago, I took the mifepristone on Monday and the misoprostol yesterday. Long story short, I wanted to keep the baby but my partner didn’t, and for some valid reasons, so we agreed that a termination would be best this time and when we’re ready in the future we can plan properly and have everything we need to be the best parents. After I took the first tablet on Monday I was upset and just had a general attitude with my partner, I was just being moody but hadn’t actually said anything bad about or to him. Whilst I was vacuuming up I was being a bit heavy handed with the hoover and my partner came downstairs and said to me ‘no wonder everything’s broken’ and I said ‘what? It’s fine, I’m literally using it what are you on about’ and he was just saying how I’m bashing it about and not being careful and that I always break everything, and it kicked off a massive argument where he ended up saying ‘you should have wanted this abortion for yourself, because otherwise you would have been stuck alone here with a baby’ and then he left to go to town. It really upset me because he had said previously that he would never abandon me and that he would be here no matter what decision I made. I ended up putting my keys in the door so that when he came back he couldn’t unlock it and get in. He ended up sitting outside the front door for a few hours before I let him back in. I didn’t speak to him in person the entire day, we were texting each other occasionally because he was saying sorry and that he didn’t mean the things he said and stuff like that and I was just saying back that I wasn’t having any of it and that it wouldn’t have even crossed his mind to say if he didn’t at least partially believe it.
It got to yesterday and I still hadn’t spoken to him and barely saw him, he slept in the spare bedroom. I took the second lot of tablets and I went through the abortion completely alone and with no support. He brought me McDonald’s for tea and left me alone for the rest of it and he slept in the spare bedroom last night as well.
Today I still haven’t spoken to him but I sent him some couples therapy websites over text and suggested that we go and see a counsellor because I don’t know if i can forgive him for what he’s said and we need some professional help. He agreed and we’re going to book an appointment. He text me a few hours ago and told me that he was going to go to his parents tonight, he’s just left and I’ve done nothing but cry. I’ve been crying for three days straight it feels like, one of the reasons we couldn’t keep our baby was because I suffer with my mental health, I have diagnosed depression, anxiety and eupd and I attempted to end my life in March, I just feel so fed up and so exhausted and so alone and I just feel like I’m a horrible person and I don’t know what to do. I can’t even talk to my mum because we’re not on speaking terms right now either. She went behind me and my partners back and told my partners parents about the pregnancy, so I genuinely have no support and no one to talk to anymore. Everything has turned into a complete shit show and I feel like it’s all my fault, I feel so guilty and I’m really struggling. Does anyone have any advice and am I in the wrong?