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Need some advice about an argument me and my partner have had

13 replies

Tilly387 · 31/07/2024 18:48

I need some advice, I had an abortion not long ago, I took the mifepristone on Monday and the misoprostol yesterday. Long story short, I wanted to keep the baby but my partner didn’t, and for some valid reasons, so we agreed that a termination would be best this time and when we’re ready in the future we can plan properly and have everything we need to be the best parents. After I took the first tablet on Monday I was upset and just had a general attitude with my partner, I was just being moody but hadn’t actually said anything bad about or to him. Whilst I was vacuuming up I was being a bit heavy handed with the hoover and my partner came downstairs and said to me ‘no wonder everything’s broken’ and I said ‘what? It’s fine, I’m literally using it what are you on about’ and he was just saying how I’m bashing it about and not being careful and that I always break everything, and it kicked off a massive argument where he ended up saying ‘you should have wanted this abortion for yourself, because otherwise you would have been stuck alone here with a baby’ and then he left to go to town. It really upset me because he had said previously that he would never abandon me and that he would be here no matter what decision I made. I ended up putting my keys in the door so that when he came back he couldn’t unlock it and get in. He ended up sitting outside the front door for a few hours before I let him back in. I didn’t speak to him in person the entire day, we were texting each other occasionally because he was saying sorry and that he didn’t mean the things he said and stuff like that and I was just saying back that I wasn’t having any of it and that it wouldn’t have even crossed his mind to say if he didn’t at least partially believe it.
It got to yesterday and I still hadn’t spoken to him and barely saw him, he slept in the spare bedroom. I took the second lot of tablets and I went through the abortion completely alone and with no support. He brought me McDonald’s for tea and left me alone for the rest of it and he slept in the spare bedroom last night as well.
Today I still haven’t spoken to him but I sent him some couples therapy websites over text and suggested that we go and see a counsellor because I don’t know if i can forgive him for what he’s said and we need some professional help. He agreed and we’re going to book an appointment. He text me a few hours ago and told me that he was going to go to his parents tonight, he’s just left and I’ve done nothing but cry. I’ve been crying for three days straight it feels like, one of the reasons we couldn’t keep our baby was because I suffer with my mental health, I have diagnosed depression, anxiety and eupd and I attempted to end my life in March, I just feel so fed up and so exhausted and so alone and I just feel like I’m a horrible person and I don’t know what to do. I can’t even talk to my mum because we’re not on speaking terms right now either. She went behind me and my partners back and told my partners parents about the pregnancy, so I genuinely have no support and no one to talk to anymore. Everything has turned into a complete shit show and I feel like it’s all my fault, I feel so guilty and I’m really struggling. Does anyone have any advice and am I in the wrong?

OP posts:
DontBiteTheCat · 31/07/2024 18:50

Oh OP, you’ve been through such a lot.

No it’s not your fault, I don’t have any magic words of wisdom but I’m sending you a gentle hug x

Tilly387 · 31/07/2024 18:55

@DontBiteTheCat thank you, I really appreciate it
It just feels like there’s so much that’s gone on recently that it feels like it has to be my fault, I know that sounds stupid but it that’s how it feels x

OP posts:
Sunshineafterthehail · 31/07/2024 18:59

Emotions are running high and likely he has no idea how to support you.. Locking him out wasn't ideal either. Why not ask your GP for some help coping with loss? Just because you opted for a termination doesn't mean you aren't grieving.

DontBiteTheCat · 31/07/2024 19:00

I agree that hormones could be playing a part too, I had a medical abortion last year and emotionally I wasn’t myself for a few weeks, I verged between absolute rage and crying hysterically for those few days afterwards.

Can you speak to your GP? Are you under a mental health team?x

Parky04 · 31/07/2024 19:02

You both sound very immature. It sounds as though you are not suited to each other, and I would end the relationship.

NetflixAndKill · 31/07/2024 19:03

Parky04 · 31/07/2024 19:02

You both sound very immature. It sounds as though you are not suited to each other, and I would end the relationship.

Helpful…

Tilly387 · 31/07/2024 19:04

@Sunshineafterthehail i agree that locking him out was wrong and I did apologise to him for it as well as having an attitude earlier in the day too. I just didn’t know what to do and in the moment my brain thought that made the most sense, which when I look back on it now I know I made a mistake and I shouldn’t have done it. I didn’t really want to contact the GP because I feel as though there are people who need help more than me, but I think it might be the best choice at the now because I’m really struggling. I understand that my partner doesn’t know how to help and support me too, I just didn’t think I’d be completely alone throughout this whole thing but at the end of the day it is my own fault because I told him I wanted to be alone after the argument

OP posts:
Tilly387 · 31/07/2024 19:06

@Parky04 we’ve been together 6 years, we have been through a lot together and we usually support each other really well. This is just unknown territory for us both and I don’t think either of us know how to help each other in the right way but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t at least try to work through it

OP posts:
Tilly387 · 31/07/2024 19:07

@DontBiteTheCat im not under a mental health team at the moment, when I left the hospital in March the mental health team at the hospital referred me to the community mental health team. When the community team reviewed my case they said I wasn’t suitable for their care and they declined my referral

OP posts:
BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 31/07/2024 19:10

I'm trying to say this gently because I do understand but you locked him out then refused to talk to him - you didn't give him a chance to support you. Try telling him you need him and letting him be there instead of pushing him away.

Tilly387 · 31/07/2024 19:16

@BaronessEllarawrosaurus that’s true, I appreciate that tbh. I do need to work on asking for help and letting people support me

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 31/07/2024 19:18

For him to say “you should have wanted it for yourself”, I’m guessing you said you had the abortion for him. That’s a heavy responsibility to put on someone and unfair. It would provoke a response.

Saying you’d be alone with a baby does hint at his underlying feelings. But he had no need to tell you he felt that way when you were discussing it as you both agreed it wasn’t the right time for a pregnancy.

I think laying it at his door provoked him and it slipped out by accident.

Summerhillsquare · 31/07/2024 19:19

He should have taken precautions instead of making all this your problem. Is he really adding anything to your life is the question I'd be asking.

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