DD has asked for a therapist

[BruFord]

I’m looking for advice on how to sympathetically discuss this with DD (19) and help her get what she needs, while also being realistic about the financial constraints.

I’m diagnosed with anxiety, take medication and have had a little counseling. Sadly, my children have possibly inherited this tendency and I feel guilty about this. DS (15) became very anxious a few years ago and our doctor recommended an excellent counselor who helped DS develop strategies to manage anxiety. DS met with him twice a month and after about six months, he was able to end the sessions. He’s been fine since.

DD(19) also requested some counseling for anxiety three years ago and it wasn’t as constructive for her. She reported that the counselor didn’t really advise her on coping strategies-basically, she was going, being listened to, and then going back. We tried a different counselor, who was more constructive and after a while, DD said that she felt better and we ended the sessions.

Fast forward to now, DD will start her second year of university doing a challenging degree and she wants counseling again. Many of her friends have long-term therapists and DD feels that she needs similar support.

Here’s the issue. We’re in the US and many counselors/therapists don’t accept health insurance. If they do, the insurance will only pay a portion of the cost. Each session is likely to cost $130-200, and we can’t do this longterm. We’re currently paying for Invisalign for DD ($140/mo), braces for DS ($120/mo), her uni fees, etc., the list goes on.

I don’t know what to say to DD, tbh. Of course we want her to have support, but we can’t commit to the type of longterm therapy that some of her friends have. We could commit to a few sessions, but we’ll have to place a limit depending on the cost.

How would you approach this so that she feels supported, but also understand that we don’t have a magic money tree?

An important lesson is that as an adult she will need to earn money to have what she wants. The fact she has said “my friends have” as opposed to “I am really struggling, on medication and I can’t cope” and turning down the free/cheaper options speaks volumes.

Adults have to make difficult choices. You have treated both equally in the past for counselling, the fact hers was less successful does not mean she needs more. Perhaps she needs to work on her resilience, independence and problem solving rather than expecting parents to provide for every request.

@DavidBeckhamsrightfoot

Apparently she didn’t have enough counseling when she was younger (compared with DS) and she’s resentful of that.

Our logic was because she didn’t appear to be struggling in the same way he was. I suppose we don’t see counseling as necessary in every situation. We’re Gen Xer’s who weren’t offered counseling growing up so we view it as necessary when someone is really struggling, not to keep things ticking over.

Perhaps we’re wrong in that, I don’t know. 🤷

At some point though she just needs to get over it.
You tried and you didn't have a time machine

The question is now that as a grown up how is she going to resolve her own problem

There are all kinds of online therapists that charge about $60.00 a session.

She needs to try the university service.

I just started my own teenager back into therapy and it’s going to cost a small fortune. She is in high school so we have the money right now. That is actually part of the reason I’m sending her to therapy now. I’m worried about her needing it while we are trying to pay for university at the same time.

talk to her about how finding a good counselor can take some trial and error. Sometimes the first one is not a good fit. Just because her friend has a bad match does not mean she will too.

we got lucky and the practice we are using prescreens before matching you to a therapist. The university service probably won’t do that, but she needs to at least try.

Might be worth looking at Better Help (online therapy)
more reasonable than what you have detailed

@Whataretalkingabout Yes, there have to be more affordable options out there. I think it’s expensive in our area, online might be the way to go. Thanks.

I just didn’t realize how angry she is about her brother getting what she views as more help in the past. His doctor recommended counseling when DS was struggling so we did it. She didn’t get a similar recommendation so we thought she needed it less (although she had some when she asked). She’s very different from DS, far more confident and outgoing so it didn’t seem as necessary, I suppose.

She’s really resentful. 🙁

Well at least your daughter is talking to you about how she is unhappy. It is good that she us able to share that much with you. Maybe she would like to keep sharing with you? Try to let her talk without answering back, just listen and validate her feelings.

Good communication about our emotions is not something that a lot of us were taught to do by our parents. But it is not to late to learn to support our adult children ! Keep reading and sharing OP.

Is it the fact he had more of something being the issue, or that she really needs therapy?

if she really needs therapy, then trying every available opportunity - the University one first - might be her right step,

Find a uk therapist who will work online, time differences can be negotiated. It’s a fraction of the cost here. BUT, be sure they are registered, eg. BACP or UKCP.

Just go through her uni? I got counselling through my university's medical centre. It's normally for limited runs but with a view of achieving something not just open ended, I accessed it again in Y3 when I needed additional support with my finals.

Just seen her friend had a bad experience, but that seems silly to not rule it out as an option for her first if she hasn't got the means to do it privately, it's what we all have to do.

I can kind of relate to this. I'm the younger female sibling and it can sometimes feel like an older brother is favoured. Its very subtle but as a female you have to push more to get what you need. Also perhaps she doesn't recognise her own achievements.

I had counselling at Uni and I honestly don't think at that young age it's possible to have a huge amount of insight. You are still a developing mass of hormones. I just off loaded to a counsellor for 6 months and I can't say I learned anything.

Something like a coach might be more helpful than a therapist - is there a student support team at the uni that can help her with managing her studies?

Thanks all, we’re definitely going to get her some support. DH also spoke with her and I think she knows that we are on her side, we just have to be realistic and explore all the options.

It’s hard to hear that resentment and be told that you’ve let them down, when you genuinely have tried! All parents make mistakes though and we may have underestimated her needs. At least she was able to share her feelings and we can try to help her now.

what my mum said when I asked if I could have therapy- 'no. it either won't work or you'll just get addicted to it!
I guess there's an element of truth there but the reasons were mainly financial I think.

@BobbyBiscuits Yes, I never asked that question, but I would’ve received a similar reaction from my parents!/

It’s a generational difference, I think. Nowadays doctors will recommend counseling/therapy for children and DD knows lots of people who’ve had/are having it. It was unheard of among my friends growing up.

@BruFord yeah, it seems like it's almost expected. Like you hear adults saying, oh, I can't be with someone unless they've done or are doing therapy? I think it often seems a little self indulgent.
I'm very sceptical of MH treatment having been sectioned, so I think it's important to make her aware it's not something that everyone will benefit from. I always think, 'why can I expect a stranger to know my mind if I don't know it myself'.

This is such an interesting thread topic OP. I appreciate it must be really hard to navigate this with your daughter but I was just struck by the difference of having loads of friends in therapy so this is so normalised versus how it was when our generation were growing up. How things have changed! I think your daughter needs to give the university service a go, they will probably have a team of counsellors and one bad experience should not tarnish an entire service. Give them a try.
In terms of her being resentful of her brother this feels like a trickier one and I would perhaps approach this with something like 'perhaps you already had the skills to support yourself whereas your brother needed a little further help' or something like that. I don't think it's a given that we all have to have or need therapy, I also don't think it's a one stop shop and depending on our life circumstances and how we respond to different situations we may or may not need therapeutic help.

I am curious why your daughter think it is appropriate to have long term therapy. Long term therapy is generally for people lots of trauma and for older people who have reflective capacities. I think it is reasonable for her to try the university services.

That’s tough. She may need to go see them if she wants therapy. She wants a long term one just because her friends have one. That’s not financially viable for you and you just can’t pull money out of your arse if you dont have it.

Saying no to adult kids when they pluck your heart strings and use manipulation is tough but if you cant afford it you cant afford it.

My two youngest go/went to private school because their dad is wealthier than my first husband - dd1 dad. There is an 18 year gap between them. And boy did she make me financially recompense until I had to say enough. Mum guilt is a killer but there are times when you have to say no.

Just a side note - I’ve just visited my dd1 where she lives abroad. She does very well and lives in a very expensive country. She seen her back side when I bought my two younger dds an ice cream ( 8&11) and didn’t buy her one. She is 28 and drives a brand new Range Rover. Adult dc can be arseholes

Because it’s trendy in US if your wealthy to have some one to go a whinge to on a weekly basis. Here in the U.K. it’s generally used when people have real issues