DD has asked for a therapist

[BruFord]

I’m looking for advice on how to sympathetically discuss this with DD (19) and help her get what she needs, while also being realistic about the financial constraints.

I’m diagnosed with anxiety, take medication and have had a little counseling. Sadly, my children have possibly inherited this tendency and I feel guilty about this. DS (15) became very anxious a few years ago and our doctor recommended an excellent counselor who helped DS develop strategies to manage anxiety. DS met with him twice a month and after about six months, he was able to end the sessions. He’s been fine since.

DD(19) also requested some counseling for anxiety three years ago and it wasn’t as constructive for her. She reported that the counselor didn’t really advise her on coping strategies-basically, she was going, being listened to, and then going back. We tried a different counselor, who was more constructive and after a while, DD said that she felt better and we ended the sessions.

Fast forward to now, DD will start her second year of university doing a challenging degree and she wants counseling again. Many of her friends have long-term therapists and DD feels that she needs similar support.

Here’s the issue. We’re in the US and many counselors/therapists don’t accept health insurance. If they do, the insurance will only pay a portion of the cost. Each session is likely to cost $130-200, and we can’t do this longterm. We’re currently paying for Invisalign for DD ($140/mo), braces for DS ($120/mo), her uni fees, etc., the list goes on.

I don’t know what to say to DD, tbh. Of course we want her to have support, but we can’t commit to the type of longterm therapy that some of her friends have. We could commit to a few sessions, but we’ll have to place a limit depending on the cost.

How would you approach this so that she feels supported, but also understand that we don’t have a magic money tree?

If she’s asking for it, then please don’t disregard this. I speak as the parent of a DD who masked her anxiety until she crashed and burned in year 3 of her degree, and has had horrendous mental health issues since then. Perhaps agree to fund a course of say 6 sessions and by then the therapist should hopefully be thinking about reducing the sessions anyway, if all has gone well, so they can be spaced out more.

@Longhotsummers Oh, I wasn’t going to disregard her request, it’s just difficult having to consider money in relation to someone’s mental health, isn’t it. I’d love to say that we don’t have constraints, but we do. Some of her friends are from wealthy families so they probably can have therapy for years.

I’m also going to speak to her orthodontist and see whether we can get a firm date for finishing the Invisalign, as freeing up that $140 would make a big difference. Plus her teeth now look amazing. 🤩

Can her university help? I know my USA based niece had a counsellor at uni (DSis wouldn't have paid) and so did my DD in the UK.

Could you speak to a couple of therapists and explain you are looking for them to work to a specific timescale, say fortnightly sessions for three months? Hopefully, you’d be able to find someone who can tailor the therapy to your budget.

Alternatively, starting once the Invisalign have come off could be an option.

Can she put money towards the sessions?

@FragmentedProvision Ive suggested this, but she says that last year, one of her friends had a bad experience with the uni counselors (I need to find out more about what happened) and she doesn’t want to use their services. I’m going to look into it more.

As she is an adult I'd speak to her as one.

Yes, we want to help. How do you see this working fincially?

She needs to be aware of what the situation is and how to adapt accordingly.
I'm aware of the pressure on parents with children in college on a basic level.
This alone financially cripples many families.its great she's reached out but she does need to work towards her own healing

Can she do a little work while undertaking her degree?

I appreciate it sounds like it could be full on but everyone I know worked and studied at the same time as none of us are rich.

And sometimes having a job, even just during the holidays, can be looked upon as showing you're a hard worker and motivated individual to a potential employer in due course and get you references, especially if the field is relevant eg studying to be a veterinarian and working in reception in a local vet surgery on Saturday mornings (or more in the holidays).

@Lemonsallday Not right now. She’s worked full time over the summer to help with her living expenses. Her uni is expensive and local rents are high as there’s a captive student market for limited housing. We’ll make it work, we just have to be realistic. It’s so frustrating to have to think like this.

US healthcare is so costly!

DD is unreasonable not to fully investigate any local subsidised services and try them.

Most people sadly can’t afford long term talking therapy.

Unfortunately she's going to have to understand beggers can't be choosers.

@DavidBeckhamsrightfoot Yes, she can’t rule out a cheaper option on the basis of one person not liking it. It’s possible that other people have had good experiences.

I can recommend a remedial hypnosis colleague in Seattle who works on a fixed fee basis if that's any good?

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy is good for anxiety

Thanks @Eyesopenwideawake , not the right area, I’m afraid.

I think you've got to get her involved in finding a solution as you can't afford it.
Firstly I'd suggest trying the Uni Counsellor, just because it didn't help her friend, it doesn't mean it won't help her.
If after trying that, she doesn't feel it has helped you need to ask her what she suggests doing next. What you don't want to do is find her a Counsellor, pay for it and then find she's not improving (like her previous experience).
You need to get her to 'buy in' into finding a solution even if it means she contributes a small amount.

I have been diagnosed with CPTSD Severe Anxiety and Depression. Talking Therapies didn't work for me and at age 61, I didn't want to live anymore. Until I found Anna Runkle "The crappy childhood fairy" on You Tube. I was hooked. She has saved my life.

Why does she think she needs long term therapy apart from that her friends have it?

Long term therapy can be appropriate for some conditions but mainly for people who have complex trauma and a bad early life which it does not appear she does. Anxiety disorders respond well to CBT which is time limited. The idea is to learn to use the skills yourself.

Long term therapy can foster harmful dependence and can actually be just reassurance seeking with a lack of appropriate challenge or therapeutic work being done. I would refuse to pay for long term therapy just because everyone else is having it.

Plus if you can't afford it that is that. It's a life lesson that you can't provide unlimited bail out to a person who is now an adult and should be thinking of how she can afford things she needs for herself.

Plus there's fairness. What if DS then decides he wants it too. Where does it end?

No worries - they work via Zoom if that helps. Generally 3 sessions are sufficient.

Don't uni's in the US have counsellors?

Yes, @Sunshine9218 but I mentioned upthread that one of her friends used the uni’s counselling service last year and said it was awful. DD has now given me more details of what happened and it doesn’t sound great. I’m still going to look into it and see what it costs. Perhaps it was a particular counsellor.

Anyway, I spoke to DD this afternoon and explained that we’d need to look into different options, there’d need to be constraints on sessions due to costs, etc….and it didn’t go well.

She accused me of favoring DS as he’s had counselling in the past (as has she, hers wasn’t as effective, unfortunately) and making her feel like a financial burden. I’m afraid I lost my temper and we had a big row. 🙁

She’s a hard worker, good with money, and we’re very proud of her achievements, but I don’t think she yet realizes just how expensive life is nowadays. We’re comfortable but that’s because we live within certain financial constraints.

I’ve told DH that he should talk to her as I’ve messed it up.

Gosh that sounds like an extreme reaction! Was she not open to exploring other options? Why is she so wedded to having a counsellor? Do you think she needs it? What has she tried to help her anxiety so far? One thing that strikes me is your comment that some of her friends (so more than one) has long term therapy. Do you think that might have something to do with it?

@Harvestfestivalknickers I’m sure it’s partly because some of her friends have therapy. She did get anxious about her studies last year and I think she’s starting to worry again now as here, they start back in a month.

We do want her to have support, but as DH puts it, he doesn’t want it to become a “lifestyle”, I.e., something that she does every couple of weeks indefinitely. Someone who can help her develop strategies to manage her anxiety would be better.

Such a difficult subject to navigate, i had a feeling that our conversation wouldn’t go well.

Simple answer is she is an adult and he is a minor.

As an adult she needs to begin fincaing her own wants.

If she carries on like this I'd point out you could pay for councillors if she pays for college.